(Tuts) Typical! See this? Story about a bloke who was shot by gangland villains in the East End. Says, "They dumped the body, riddled with bullet holes, in the boot of his brother's car and though interestingly, this was something the local garage failed to spot when they went over it for the MOT.
S3The Beast in the Cage (4)
S3Beware the Trickster on the Roof (5)
[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger] You callous coldhearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!
We can't leave it here (A cow with a back leg slightly damaged)
No, I'll just slip in the freezer with the beef burgers.
S3The Worst Horror of All (6)
MMan
Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?
[with poorly concealed menace] Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.
MMan
[contemptuously] I should think so.
[louder] Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! (does so)
I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. [to the woman] Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. [to the man] You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!
[says at the end just before he opens the kitchen door to discover Ronnie & Mildred there] At least we’ve escaped from the worst horror of all.
S4Descent into the Maelstrom (2)
You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!
Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!
I do not believe it!
S4Hearts of Darkness (3)
NSNick Swainey
Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!
I'm sorry, what language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks!
S4Warm Champagne (4)
And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!
He's [Victor] the most sensitive person I've ever met, and that's why I love him and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen.
Who is she?! Have you, have you been-?! Tell me you haven't been sleeping with this! Who is she?!
[confused, stammering for an explanation] I, I thought it was you! [Margaret's expression becomes one of offended outrage]
[offended] Thank you very much! I mean, where did she come from?! And what on earth is she doing? AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL AM I WHISPERING?! This is my bedroom! I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?! To come home, and find your husband has taken up necrophilia!
Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?
BBen
No.
No, I really don't think you do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's One Foot In The Grave pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.