Patrick quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Patrick

[in the Meldrew's living room and talking to Pippa] It's like spending an evening at The Munsters, coming around here...what nameless horror you're gonna come across next?

Patrick

I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's be a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight. I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time. Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.

Pippa

Can you see an old dirty floor cloth by the door?

Patrick

Uhm...yup.

Pippa

Well, would you mind SHOVING IT in your bloody mouth?!

Patrick

Frankly Mr Skinthorpe, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. The fact is that the Open Sesame Garage door which you installed last week has just jammed for the third time, and as BMW rather short sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I am keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.

Yes, I'll tell you precisely what's 'chafing my hide' this morning, Mr Gorrindge. It concerns a majestic 2000 millennium globe which I foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two Northen Hemispheres.

Patrick

If by 'one of our top service engineers' you are referring to that child with the head-full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on a ladder, presumably in an attempt to get his testicles to drop, I was not impressed Mr Skinthorpe.

Unfortunately not, Mr Gorrindge and whilst a world with two Europes and no Australia may have certain cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite fall in with the theory of continental drift.

Patrick

Well I can't say with any certainty, Mr Skinthorpe, whether it was Rick or Dave. Although he very sensibly had a ring fitted through his nose like a cow, I'm afraid the name tag seemed to have fallen off. Really? Well how fine and dandy for him.

Well it depends what you mean by "very noticeable" Mr Gorrindge. Had my brother been horribly blinded by some hideous accident then all our troubles would be over.

Patrick

Well please offer him my profound congratulations, Mr Skinthorpe, and tell him to get his arse round here now and finish the job.

I shall expect a proper replacement in 24 hrs or heads and hemispheres will roll.