Margaret quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Margaret

Monday morning will be fine.

Margaret

[to Victor] We went there for our third anniversary. Do you remember? And you took me to that huge funfair place, 'Dreamland'. We were like a couple of excited children.

Margaret

We can't leave it here (A cow with a back leg slightly damaged)

Margaret

He's [Victor] the most sensitive person I've ever met, and that's why I love him and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen.

Margaret

[to Victor] Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in!

Margaret

Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.

Margaret

[to Victor] If it's sunny in the morning, you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.

Victor

It was Bovril flavour today.

Margaret

What?

Victor

The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.

Margaret

[On Victor being made redundant] What did they say?

Victor

"Bugger off", I think was the general gist of it.

Margaret

You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean, you've hardly started. Got it all still to come.

Victor

I know. That's what scares me.

Pippa

I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.

Margaret

Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.

Pippa

What sort of things does he eat?

Margaret

[disgustedly] Anything, of any sort or description. In the most hideous and disgusting of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.

Pippa

Stomach like a bin liner? [Margaret murmurs in agreement]

Margaret

You must be thrilled, congratulations.

Pippa

[Sombrely] Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... Hitler... Dr. Crippen...

Margaret

Who is she?! Have you, have you been-?! Tell me you haven't been sleeping with this! Who is she?!

Victor

[confused, stammering for an explanation] I, I thought it was you! [Margaret's expression becomes one of offended outrage]

Margaret

[offended] Thank you very much! I mean, where did she come from?! And what on earth is she doing? AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL AM I WHISPERING?! This is my bedroom! I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?! To come home, and find your husband has taken up necrophilia!

Margaret

Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?

No.

Margaret

No, I really don't think you do.