Christian Troy quotes from Nip/Tuck

Sean

They should just be honest and rename the show "Shit".

Christian

Shit.

Christian

Well, we had a case a couple of years ago... Remember, Sean? This woman came into our office. She burned her lips off in a cooking accident.

Sean

Right, we had to do a graft using skin from her vagina. The only problem was, her husband didn't like oral sex, so she couldn't let him know where the skin came from.

Christian

We called her Pussy Lips. I'd watch a show with pussy lips on it.

How soon can you start?

Christian

We're not interested in just being consultants, Mr. Prune.

Sean

We're not?

Christian

We want producer credits and the occasional line.

Sean

Look at us. Mutilating our bodies, selling out to some hack TV show. We're good surgeons. Why live in a place which doesn't appreciate us, you know? Maybe we should have moved somewhere where substance reigns over style. Like New York.

Christian

Julia's gone. Living a couple of subway stops away ain't gonna change that.

Christian

Look, you made a bold move coming out here, partner. Maybe the first one of your life, huh? How many guys our age finally get the opportunity to get the recognition they deserve? This is just the beginning.

Sean

Fame isn't love, Christian. Getting it isn't going to fill up some hole you've had inside you since you were a kid.

Christian

Let me start off by saying I'm a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I've been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don't like about yourself, Miss Summers?

That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I'm sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor's worst nightmare. You stretch actresses' faces so they don't have to stretch themselves.

Fiona

Says the woman who hasn't landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.

Christian

I'm taking Carly to the Ivy.

Sean

[referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?

Christian

No, but you're not doing anything. Come on, it's business.

Sean

I thought you turned down her surgery.

Christian

I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We're not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?

Sean

How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I'll do the convincing.

Christian

Because I'm the charismatic salesman and you're the talent. That's the way it's always been.

Sean

That's exactly why I left Miami.

Fiona

What are you? Leg man, ass man, tit man...?

Christian

Tit man, why?

Fiona

(unbuttoning her shirt) Mommy issues. You should know.

Christian

You're right. I'm an asshole.

Fiona

The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?

Christian

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Christian

You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?

She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.

Christian

Very kinky. Where's papa now?

Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.

Christian

Julia called yesterday and said she's moving in with someone.

Sean

Well that's great. She's seeing someone, I'm seeing someone.

Christian

Since when you're seeing someone?!

Sean

I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.

Christian

Well there's a bit of a difference here. You're not moving in with your current piece of ass!

Sean

Yet!

Sean

Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.

Sean

It's not funny.

Christian

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn't even like 'em.

Christian

Julia moved to Lesbania.

Liz

Julia is just a tourist.

Christian

[referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?

Liz

For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.

Dr. McNamara, Dr. Troy, I want you to take 15 seconds and write down everything you can think of to describe your partner. The first things that come to mind. Go. [The partners scribble]

Dr. McNamara, why don't you go first?

Sean

"Tall, arrogant, peacock, womanizer, clothes whore, damaged, dangerous, asshole."

Dr. Troy, do you have anything you'd wish to say?

Christian

Well it's kind of hard to argue with any of those.