[about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.
Dan, they can't be that bad.
My God, Harry! They're Democrats!
...I stand corrected.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[watching Dan apologize humbly to his parents]
Did you hit him?
I think he hit himself.
Oh, as long as somebody did.
Arnold? (Arnold turns) You would have been a good judge.
AArnold
(beams) I was a good judge.
[quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!
[who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.
[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
SMr. Sheldon
Agony.
Thanks. Why?
SMrs. Sheldon
We're just waiting for the children to die.
SMr. Sheldon
Not that we want them to die, of course...
Of course.
SMrs. Sheldon
It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
The boys?
SMr. Sheldon
Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
SMrs. Sheldon
And the baby just retired.
[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]
You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding: no cover, no minimum.
[Quon Le was arrested for sharing a house with a group of prostitutes.]
[trying to explain Mac and Quon Le's relationship] Mac was just temporarily acting in the role of spouse.
TLTawny La Belle
Well, hey, that's all we were doing, and we got busted for it!
If we actually live together as husband and wife... I said if. We'd have lots of problems.
All newlyweds have problem.
Who told you that?
Bull. A man named Phil told him.
Quon Le, but we'd have extra problems. 'Cause even though America is land of liberty and all that, some people haven't accepted the idea of two people from different races living together as man and wife.
Can you accept it?
Well, of course I can accept it, but that's because I love you.
EIEveryone in cafeteria
Aw...
That is the first time you said you love me.
Quon Le, there's a chance it could get ugly.
Mac, I have lived with war ever since I was five years old. My home was destroyed, most of my family were killed. And I have lived with that horror every single day of my life. Tell me, can it get any uglier than that?
[about the Soviet Union] It's really that bad back there?
YKYakov Korolenko
You ever been to Milwaukee?
Yeah.
YKYakov Korolenko
Well, close your eyes. Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, you walk, run, or fly, you're always going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can grab a a car, and drive two thousand miles away, you're still going to be in the middle of...
[clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]
YKYakov Korolenko
[to his brother] Works every time.
[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]
GMr. Glasscock
Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
NKNikolai Karpov
I have been "without" for two months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.
[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]
[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]
What is it, Dirk?
DDirk
Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.
WOMEN'S detention?
Dirk, Grayson's a man.
DDirk
No. There was a dress.
It was a man wearing a dress.
Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?
DDirk
Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.
Where is he now?
DDirk
Right below us, room 1706.
1706? Isn't that where they do the...
WWoman
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Strip search.
SMr Slotkin
Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!
Jersey. Been there.
[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]
The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.
OMOld Man
We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!
What did he do?
OMOld Man
He talked to us.
Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.
What is that weapon?
...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.
OMOld Man
It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!
People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...
OMOld Man
We don't get the guns back?
[giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!
[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]
Daddy, what happened?
I got caught with a hooker.
FFlo
Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.