[re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?
No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
JWJudge Wilbur
Let's get the ground rules straight. I run my court differently than that yo-yo Stone. I don't do card tricks, I don't have dribble glasses, and I hate fun. Now let's go hang someone.
[in a holding cell]
CChip
What're you in for?
Uh, contempt of court. You?
CChip
Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.
DDale
[jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... [noogies Dan in the stomach] burned to the ground!
Ted, we had so little time to talk. Did Christine tell you that I'm running for state assembly?
TTed
Yes, and I plan to give you every consideration.
Damn it, man, I need money!
TTed
I'm sorry, I never contribute to political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favors.
Listen, if elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.
TTed
I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.
You bet I will! But I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who'd want to buy me!
[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!
[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."
[on election night, Dan is lying in bed with his opponent, Joan Hobson]
Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.
I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.
Oh Dan, I'm so sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.
There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.
[He touches her elbow playfully, and she laughs despite herself.]
Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?
[smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.
[surprised] Goodnight, Dan.
[Roz places a large box on Mac's desk.]
What's that?
Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.
[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these? [They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.] Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?
[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.
[drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!
[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]
I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!
This whole thing is... a scam. It's like a play.
A play?
This is part of a government sting to catch some criminals who have been bribing judges.
Really? Then all that stuff Christine told me about your feeling alone without any family, that was all part of the act?
Right.
Whoo! What a relief. And to think I almost told you that I was your father.
You mean my stepfather.
No, I mean your real father. But now I guess there's no need to tell you.
What?
Heck, I always figured you'd be better off not knowing anyway, so you won't hear it from me.
All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!
You were born in a mental institution!
...I stand corrected.
Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.
And that's... where I came into the picture.
Yeah.
Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?
Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!
JJames
I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?
Doesn't get quieter than up here!
[They both look at him.]
...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...
[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]
That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.
JJames
Because you might let me go?
Because I might throw you off the roof!
I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.
[modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...
What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?
[looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.
Good. Now bend over.
[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]
[softly] Thank you.
[dressed as Geordi La Forge] Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!
[dressed as Mr. Spock] Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?
[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
How do you like the Bailiff Bull grip?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.