Christine (over the phone): Hi, is this the St. Ain Motel?...Beg your pardon? (looks at the phone book again; in disgust): The Stain Motel. Uh, yes, I'm looking for a man. He's tall, he's got dark hair, he's wearing a gray suit, and a red and black tie...What's that? (looks down): Oh, I'm wearing a black skirt and a pink swe...What difference does that make?...You want to do what with my shoes? (offended): How did you even think of that?! (hangs up)
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!
QLQuon Le Robinson
Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!
[after hearing of Irwin's rescue from a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon] You must be the luckiest man who ever lived.
IIrwin
No... Dan Quayle is.
Tell you what. If you feel up to it, I know a place around the corner that serves a great cappuccino. And if we get there before eleven, you can watch me wrestle a live, large Swede woman.
Maybe not all in one night.
CMr. Carney
Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.
In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?
Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."
I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen?
HMr. Higgins
When I came by the hospital to take him home. Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule!
Gee, that must have hurt.
[Roz is wearing an elf suit.]
Are you laughing at me, Dan?
[laughing] Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.
[Roz pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest.]
Pick a body cavity, Dan.
[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?
MMcCracken
I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!
All right!
MDr. Malloy
Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
MDr. Malloy
We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
MDr. Malloy
Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
MDr. Malloy
We call them subjects.
[grabs microphone] Let the games begin!
So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?
I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...
DMDan/Mac/Bull/Roz
[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.
Ah, the legend lives.
You know, with everything that goes on around here, I'm surprised someone hasn't been killed!
[stands, brightly] I was!
...I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?
Well, you see... it was a dark and stormy night...
[Clip from Episode 5.03, "Death of a Baliff"]
So the reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms are "sat on a bomb," "hit by lightning," and "ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman."
Sounds right to me.
[After viewing clips from "Dan, the Walking Time Bomb" [5.12], "Death of a Baliff" [5.03], and "Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson" [4.20].]
My God, he's gonna kill us!
Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.
He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?
Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.
Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.
Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to train 'em first?!
What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.
[Distant crash, rumble.]
What the hell...?
[Everyone ruses to the courtroom.]
Oh, my dear Lord!
[Bull is standing there, eating popcorn and apparently oblivious to the fact that a full-grown elephant is standing behind him, and in front of a very large hole in the wall.]
Hi, guys!
[Harry, speechless, turns to Mr. Edwards.]
Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]
[holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.
Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!
These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.
[takes it] Well, every vote counts.
[While he checks the address, Roz reads the message on the other side.]
"Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."
Ah-ha. An undecided.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.