Night Court · Season 1
How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
"Oxymoron".
If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."
"Bitter sweet."
"Free love."
I understand.
Yeah, that's a good one too.
You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.
What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.
Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.
[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]
Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!
Where is your pride?
Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.
Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?
It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.
[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]
I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!
[cheering]
Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will never, ever be crazier... than ME!
[as everyone opens their presents]
[gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.
Read the inscription.
"Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."
[To everyone's confusion, he drops the watch into his water glass, covers the glass with his hand and shakes it briskly, then pulls the watch out and checks the action.]
[gasps again] It's real!
You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.
It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.
Get out!
No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...
Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?
[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]
[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."
[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."
[singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!
Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really... [gasp] Ugh! Blood!
[annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?
[at Dan's funeral] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot-licking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.
Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.
Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?
[disappointed] Chicken!
[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]
What was it, a heart attack?
[hands Harry a note] Suicide.
[reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."
[sniffles] What a tribute!
Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.
[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!
[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?
Oh, yeah.
[Diane doesn't believe that Harry's really a judge]
Hey, Bull! [stands up straight with his fists on his hips] Who am I?
...You're Superman.
No, no, I mean in real life.
Oh, Clark Kent.
My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!
Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.
Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?
Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.
Oh, uh... Some Like It Hot?
No... Psycho!
[Looks of horror all around]
Harry [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!
[chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...
[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse...]
Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?
[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]
[into phone] Uh, Harry? [screaming] HELLLLLP!
[yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
