A character in New Girl
Played by Max Greenfield
New Girl · 119 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in New Girl: in 44 of its 119 quotes
Most scenes with: Jess Day (24), Nick Miller (15), Winston Bishop (14)
[On the beach, after Nick runs into the ocean]
I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's penis.
SchmidtNick— he's gonna sh— he's gonna show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait! [runs after Nick]
[on her new hutch] Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?
SchmidtA blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Jess—pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.
I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.
SchmidtJess... [chuckles] you're wrong. Okay? My answer's no.
Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.
SchmidtI had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.
You would not dare.
SchmidtTry me.
That was the worst four weeks of my life.
He washed his hands in a public restroom.
SchmidtAnd there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.
That's not letting go, that's cruising.
Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.
What?
SchmidtOne time.
What?!
SchmidtI thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.
Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.
Dreams do not count.
You've all thought about me while self-completing?!
[opening the door for Schmidt] Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.
SchmidtUh, it's actually Schmidt. Um, we've met, uh, many times.
Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on. [barking weakly]
SchmidtAny noises I make, they come from a very truthful place.
SchmidtKnow this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...
Don't say "broken penis."
Schmidt... have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.
Schmidt[about Cece] She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess.
What? That's crazy.
SchmidtThat's why I'm gonna have to White Fang her.
Schmidt, come on! Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don't tell me things like that.
SchmidtNo, no, Jess, Jess. The book: White Fang.
I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.
SchmidtExcuse me, do you think this has been easy for me—to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Nipple play—off-limits.
I got your text. When you're going through a "Taylor Swift-like range of emotions," I should come over, right?
SchmidtYou were the only one that I could talk to. Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women.
[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"
SchmidtI'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?
It's Urkel!
Urkel?
[chuckling] Urkel.
Urkel, Jess?
It's funny.
Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
No, it's not.
But Urkel?!
Come on.
Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
Schmidt[about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me.
They're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
SchmidtA lovers' quarrel?
Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.
Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.
SchmidtThey're polyamorous?! Damn it!
[showing her outfit to the guys] I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."
SchmidtYou have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged.
More tired— more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.
Schmidt[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.
Yeah.
Schmidt[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions."
[imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."
[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona."
Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.
Just update your résumé, you ninny.
Did you call me a ninny?
Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!
Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!
Ah! Why would you... Yucky!
SchmidtNo, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.
It hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
You know what? I feel the same way.
Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!
SchmidtHey, Winston, tell him what you have.
Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.
Sympathy PMS? What's that?
No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
