A character in New Girl
Played by Max Greenfield
New Girl · 119 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in New Girl: in 44 of its 119 quotes
Most scenes with: Jess Day (24), Nick Miller (15), Winston Bishop (14)
SchmidtYou are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius.
Jar.
I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
You, too? Jar.
Wh...
SchmidtAs an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.
Jars! Jars! All around jars!
I know you're trying to avoid me, but just— just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.
SchmidtI don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.
[Schmidt and Robby go to Cece's apartment to try to win her back]
[whispering] Why are the two of you even together?!
SchmidtAre you wearing a traditional sari?
Yes.
SchmidtI begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.
Shh!
SchmidtMonsoon Bedding, The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel.
[whispering] Stop that.
SchmidtSlum-Doggy-Style Millionaire.
SchmidtMy koala claws, now that's a pogo!
At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
SchmidtThey make shoes for your penis—they're called pants!
[to Nick] You can't escape destiny! She comes for us all, that relentless bitch! [turns to Schmidt] That's right. Destiny's a lady.
SchmidtDestiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan.
Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
SchmidtMelon balls.
Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.
SchmidtCece?
Now, I know you're down about it.
SchmidtI'm not down about Cece.
This is— this is a mess.
SchmidtListen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanna see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me!
Ball you?
SchmidtBros ever before the ho!
Anybody have a jar?
Schmidt[in Mexico] Jess, I got this. I know how to handle these people. [hands front desk clerk money]
Is this for me?
SchmidtThat's for you to send your kids to college, or for you to send some fun up your nose.
SchmidtNo sig oths.
Just say "significant others."
SchmidtMaybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight schedj.
Are you dating Cece?
SchmidtI'm dating Cece.
Are you dating Elizabeth?
SchmidtYes.
How do you do that?
SchmidtThey made me choose.
You have to choose! You can't have both women!
SchmidtWhat was I supposed to do?
[shouting] You think you can have a bunch of wives? You get one wife! This is the way the world works!
Schmidt[shouting] Why?
I don't know.
SchmidtDo you know how I broke up with Elizabeth so I could start dating CeCe again?
Absolutely, that was really hard for you.
SchmidtYeah. That actually never happened.
What do you mean?
SchmidtI'm still dating Elizabeth.
What do you mean?
SchmidtI'm dating both of them and neither one of them knows it and I feel terrible about it.
But Elizabeth is gone.
SchmidtShe's...
What do you mean?
SchmidtShe's not gone.
So you broke up with CeCe...
SchmidtI didn't break up with either one of them.
What do you mean?
SchmidtYou process this however you need to process this. If you want me to keep talking...
Which one are you dating?
SchmidtBoth.
SchmidtWe are hooking up tonight! All five of us. Including the gimp. This is the last wedding of the summer which means it is the last chance. Nobody meets anyone in fall or winter! What, are you going to gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?
[shakes head] Not me.
SchmidtDo you realize how important this is?
I do!
SchmidtWinter…is coming. [pause] No one comes home alone!
You know what? Yeah! Yeah, I’m in.
SchmidtShe’s in.
We’re all in.
Yeah!
I’m in! I can’t hear what’s going on, but I’m in!
All five of us out there, together, in the wild, getting some strange. Like a sex fist!
I’m sorry, what?
Mmm that’s not what you mean.
SchmidtWhat’s a sex fist now?
One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
You’re making a mistake right now.
Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess - sex fist…
That’s not…
…when you put them all together, tearing our way through the reception…
Slow down!
Are you listening to what you are saying?
Isn’t that sweet, it’s a metaphor for togetherness!
SchmidtDice is a dating app.
Dating app…
SchmidtAnd it’s not for you. [walks away]
What?! Schmidtyyyy [follows him] Come on. I’ve internet dated before! You send an email, you get excited, you wait, you get an email back…
SchmidtYou are just describing emailing.
Oh, hey. How do I look?
Terrible.
SchmidtN-Not for me.
Not great.
Like crap.
Go change.
SchmidtI don't like any of it.
Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
