A character in New Girl
Played by Zooey Deschanel
New Girl · 119 quotes
Most-quoted character in New Girl: in 81 of its 119 quotes
Most scenes with: Nick Miller (31), Schmidt (24), Winston Bishop (20)
You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius.
JessJar.
I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
JessYou, too? Jar.
Wh...
As an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.
JessJars! Jars! All around jars!
[Jess and Winston fake a burglary to cover for the damage they did to Schmidt's suit collection]
Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer?
Jess[in a meth-head voice] This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth.
[in Jess's room] This?
JessNo.
This?
JessNo.
This?
JessI just don't think the meth-heads would want anything in this room. [runs out to the living room] What about this?
A landline?
Jess[in a meth-head voice] To me, it looks like a meth sandwich.
Jess[at a Christmas party, ducking behind Schmidt and Cece] It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on, we're leaving.
Sam Sam? Where?
JessYes, he's right over there. He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.
JessYou're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor. We're both kind of living the dream.
We're not "dating." What Angie and I have together is pure anarchy in, like, a sexy, cool way.
[After Nick's father, Walt, convinced Jess to buy a horse for Nick]
I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold!
JessNo, you can't sell A Father's Love. There's more to A Father's Love than just semen! Ew! Poetic, but ew.
[Jess and Nick go to the house of a student in Jess' creative writing class that Nick thinks is a psychotic killer]
If Pepperwood taught me anything—
JessThere's no Pepperwood.
Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."
JessThat's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."
What?
JessI use "apricot" too much in my normal life.
Why do you use "apricot" so much?
JessWhat am I supposed to call them—"sweet tangy balls"?
Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.
[wearing a woman's coat that was accidentally delivered to their apartment] This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.
JessAnd it has room for your hips.
And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
JessYou're wearing a dress.
Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."
My coat makes me say things like that!
JessNick kissed me.
Whaaaaaaaaaa...?!
Jess[to Nick] You can't escape destiny! She comes for us all, that relentless bitch! [turns to Schmidt] That's right. Destiny's a lady.
Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan.
JessIt's so weird to think that Nick is the last person I kissed. Actually, Schmidt's the last person I kissed.
Okay, what?
JessIt was nothing. Nick was watching.
What is happening in this loft?
[Jess and Winston are vying for the attention of a football player]
I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.
JessOh, what am I gonna do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality. [chuckles] Fool.
I got, like, three of those things.
Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
Melon balls.
Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.
Cece?
Now, I know you're down about it.
I'm not down about Cece.
This is— this is a mess.
Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanna see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me!
JessBall you?
Jess[reading Nick's hardware store list] Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench?
Our old nut wrench is bad.
JessQuick-hardening... caulk.
You don't wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden.
JessLube for... drill shaft.
[about Schmidt] After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
JessWhat?
Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
JessWhy does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
We are hooking up tonight! All five of us. Including the gimp. This is the last wedding of the summer which means it is the last chance. Nobody meets anyone in fall or winter! What, are you going to gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?
[shakes head] Not me.
Do you realize how important this is?
I do!
Winter…is coming. [pause] No one comes home alone!
JessYou know what? Yeah! Yeah, I’m in.
She’s in.
JessWe’re all in.
Yeah!
I’m in! I can’t hear what’s going on, but I’m in!
JessAll five of us out there, together, in the wild, getting some strange. Like a sex fist!
I’m sorry, what?
Mmm that’s not what you mean.
What’s a sex fist now?
JessOne, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
You’re making a mistake right now.
JessSchmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess - sex fist…
That’s not…
Jess…when you put them all together, tearing our way through the reception…
Slow down!
Are you listening to what you are saying?
JessIsn’t that sweet, it’s a metaphor for togetherness!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
