[While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his crotch...]
Do it and die, Amadeus.
S3 E20Untouchable
Wish I had a neighbor like that. Old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?
Shouting out "no means no!"?
Ha, that's a good one, but that's a good one, but not even close.
I was actually kidding.
Oh.
I have the same problem at my place Tony.
Really? You have a surround-sound system too?
No, I'm what you Americans like to call a "screamer", yes?
[Tony and Ziva are watching Gibbs interrogating a suspect]
This woman is a total turd! [Tony looks at her strangely] A geek, yes?
The term is nerd.
S3 E21Bloodbath
Sounds like a bloodbath.
Mondays. How many bodies we talkin' about here?
Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?
[as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.
How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?
Someone was dissected here, Duck?
More like three someones.
McGee, you're lurking without a permit.
This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.
Why didn't you come to me Abby?
Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.
[Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business, Krime Kleaners]
The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.
I'm a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.
I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don't think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y'know, to relax.
Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.
We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
[Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
This is not my toothbrush.
Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.
Are you going to use it or not?
An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
Where are you going?
To get my toothbrush.
No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
That's a really good point. You go.
I'm not leaving you alone either.
Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
(grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)
(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
What'd you forget?
My keys.
Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
My car keys. Now, you do not answer the door for anyone. (Abby gives him a mock salute) Anyone, or I will tie you up.
(excited) Really?
Coordinate with Abby.
Boss, you're gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.
[Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a stun gun]
Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths each year occur in elevators?
Nobody is going to hurt you, Abby.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Did it?
Yeah, can you say it again?
Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.