Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Tony

[doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.

Ziva

He has full diplomatic immunity.

Tony

Wish I had a neighbor like that. Old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?

Ziva

Shouting out "no means no!"?

Tony

Ha, that's a good one, but that's a good one, but not even close.

Ziva

I was actually kidding.

Tony

Oh.

Ziva

I have the same problem at my place Tony.

Tony

Really? You have a surround-sound system too?

Ziva

No, I'm what you Americans like to call a "screamer", yes?

Ziva

This woman is a total turd! [Tony looks at her strangely] A geek, yes?

Tony

The term is nerd.

Ducky

And you probably shouldn't be down here.

Ziva

I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please 'please' tell me where I should be?

Ducky

Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.

Ziva

Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control, just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated like a leopard.

Ducky

I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Tony

This is so "Usual Suspects"...

Ziva

Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

Ziva

I'm confused.

McGee

So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.

Tony

The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.

Ziva

I love that movie!

Tony

One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?

Ziva

[muffled] Mmm-hmm.

[in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...

Mcgee

{confused} What did he say?

Ziva

[in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?

Mcgee

Now what did you say?

Ziva

That I understood him.

Ziva

Ducky, drip it!

Ducky

Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?

Ziva

Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.

Ducky

Well, actually... never mind.

McGee

[as he's leaving] On it, boss!

Tony

[smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.

Ziva

Is that why you're being nice to him?

Tony

I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.

Abby

What are you not telling me?

McGee

What do you mean?

Abby

You have that three-little-pigs-look.

McGee

What?

Abby

The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.

McGee

I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)

Abby

Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)

Ziva

I should be a professional photographer!

Abby

The Director hasn't called.

Ziva

About?

Abby

About?! Gibbs!

Ziva

Oh...

Abby

She didn't call you, did she?

Ziva

No.

Abby

Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.

McGee

Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?

Ziva

No music.

McGee

That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...

Abby

What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?

Ziva

Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.

Abby

What if they were?!

Ziva

The color would be more coffee-brown than red.

[in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...

McGee

[confused] What did he say?

Ziva

[in Turkish] Want to see this bitch take that cigar to your testicles?

McGee

Wait, what'd you say?

Ziva

That I understood him.

Ziva

Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn't I?

Tony

No.

Ziva

Yes!

Ziva

You know what that means?

Tony

The director's taking over the investigation.

Ziva

Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.

Tony

Gibbs would never let her take over.

Ziva

Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

Gibbs

We work together?

Ziva

Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.

Gibbs

Mossad? When did they start doing that...

Ziva

It's been a year.

Gibbs

Don't feel bad, I worked for that...

Ziva

Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!

Gibbs

Do you always finish people sentenc...

Ziva

Only when I'm in a hurry.

Tony

My gut tells me we're missing something.

Ziva

Gibbs?

Tony

Yeah. Gibbs.