Ziva David quotes from NCIS

You are a woman.

Ziva

You're a genius.

Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.

And illegal!

Ziva

And you are?

Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!

Tony

Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

McGee

Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.

Ziva

I do not understand the humor or the art.

McGee

It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

[after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!

Ziva

NCIS! We don't want any candy!

Tony

Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Ziva

[walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I have been thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as-

Tony

Your superior in every way.

Ziva

[takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me probie?

Tony

I say it with love.

Tony

And if I refuse?

Ziva

You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.

Tony

As you should be!

Tony

Mmm! Mmm-.mm!

Tony

Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?

Ziva

I have to if I want to become an agent.

McGee

Good for you, Ziva.

Tony

Who says we want her as an American?

Ziva

Who says you have a say?

Tony

A little thing called the Constitution!

Ziva

[sarcastically] Really? Where?

Tony

It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.

McGee

That's Dr. Strangelove.

Tony

That's --

Abby

Uh-huh!

McGee

It's no longer in --

Abby

Nuh-uh!

Ziva

This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby

This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!

McGee

What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva

Or who killed them.

Tony

Or how they ended up on the boat.

Abby

Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Ziva

Those are none of your business, those belong to McGee.

Tony

They're funny.

Ziva

They're private.

Tony

They're self-help CD's McLonely's hearts ordered...um, download your destiny. Three easy payments of $19.95 each satisfaction guarranted or your money back.

Ziva

Maybe McGee's already satisfied.

Tony

Well maybe there's an easter bunny too.

Ziva

Tony...

Anyone can achieve their fullest potiental. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our [Tony laughs]

Ziva

Oh my god, turn that off!

Tony

I love this guy! Sort of a poor man Shatner.

We should never allow our fears or the exceptions of others to set the frontiers of our [Ziva shuts it off]

Ziva

I've heard enough maybe your the one who needs the self-help.

Tony

Well, see that's where your wrong Ziva. I'm already enlightened.

Tony

Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.

Ziva

Like an elephant.

McGee

Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist, credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association --

Tony

She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.

Ziva

[snatches the paper away] It does not say that.

Tony

Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.

Ziva

I do not follow.

Tony

Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.

Ziva

You annoy me sometimes.

Tony

Sometimes?

Ziva

Most of the time!

Tony

Well somethiing must of happened between Kai and Vance. Seriously director shows up at a crime scene that's not kosher.

Tony

It's in your blood isn't it.

Ziva

What is?

Tony

Your thinking of how your gonna get him. Maybe some intense mind games followed by sheer force [Locks the women door] Go for the the jugular or the slow kill your a dangerous woman.

Ziva

Who am I getting Agent Dunham

Tony

Why would you want Dunham thought we were talking about Pak Su Ji

Ziva

Dunham is from Texas. I like Texas what is that saying anyway umm, he cleans up nice.

Tony

Not that nice I thought he was kinda creepy.

Ziva

Oh, come on stop being such a big brother he's a field agent a nomad I've had enogh of that in my life I came to seelt down to make a home for myself the last thing I need is a Chad Dunham.

Tony

Mmm

Ziva

However.

Tony

What?

Ziva

Well to answer your question how would I get him brut force is intriguing.

Tony

Who are we talking about right now Pack Su Ji or the Texas Longhorn.

McGee

Heck of a day isn't it.

Tony

You went home.

McGee

Yeah, just for an hour.

Tony

I've been talking to agents all night doing recon and you went home and got your game on with little sexy miss text message, Ziva look at him.

Ziva

What are you talking about?

Tony

He's ussing a husky cave man esk primitive satisfication like Heston in Planet of the Apes and it didn't matter that that world was ruled by arrangatanges because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loing claw you pulled a Heston. Didn't you?

McGee

I don't know about that. It was only for a few minutes.

Tony

Yeah sometimes that's all it takes in my middle aged world.

Ziva

[LAUGHS] You are so jealous.

Tony

Yes I am and there's nothing wrong with that I'm proud of Tim, very proud of you did you take pictures

McGee

Please.

Ziva

Well I'm excited to meet her make sure she's good enough for you.

McGee

Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]

Ziva

Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]

McGee

Why did you do that??

Ziva

Because it was either you or the watch!

McGee

It's just, what's taking so long, you know?

Ziva

Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.

McGee

Yeah, how's that?

Ziva

We could be stuck here with Tony.

Tony

[from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!

Ziva

Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.

McGee

Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Tony

If you want, I could sing a song for you guys.

McGee

We'd rather have an update, Tony.

Tony

There was an explosion at a Potomac Electric substation, causing some kind of... wait, what is it? Uh, begins with a "C", rhymes with... "parade sailor"?

McGee

Cascade failure?

Tony

Cascade failure! God, you're good at this, McGee! So that chain reaction knocked out power in half the District. PEPCO says they'll have it back up soon.

Ziva

Cannot happen soon enough. I'm sure Gibbs is feeling right at home.

Tony

Well, you don't need electricity to use hand tools or drink a bottle of bourbon. [laughs]

McGee

[from inside the elevator] He's right behind you, isn't he?

Tony

[realizes] Yes, he is. Boss, you know, there's nothing wrong with the occasional cocktail.