Hetty Lange quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Callen

We didn't realize he'd just gotten back from....

Hetty

Oh his assignment, yes.

Sam

Which was where again exactly?

Hetty

He was in the People's Republic of... none of your damn business.

Callen

Is that where he learned how to shoot?

Hetty

Actually, I gave him a few pointers.

Sam

Apparently the People's Republic of none of your damn business can be a dangerous place.

Hetty

What are you doing?

Sam

I need to activate a former alias.

Hetty

Oh, no. NLV. NLV. "No longer viable." Tyrell Ellis was compromised.

Sam

I know. I was Tyrell Ellis, remember?

Hetty

I do remember. I also remember you were nearly killed before we got you out.

Sam

My cover was never blown. I spent seven months undercover working Memo Torres while he was still a cartel underling. Now he's the man. That means he's the fastest route to finding those missing Marines. And the only one who can get to Torres right now, is in this box.

Hetty

The man in this box has a price on his head. Why don't you just arrest Torres?

Sam

We don't have anything on him. We yank him in off the streets and we blow any chance of ever going back under in his organization. Plus, Memo hates cops of any kind. He'll be lawyered up as soon as we bring him in and we may never find those missing Marines, Hetty.

Hetty

[Callen walks in] Oh, Mr. Callen, could you please talk some sense to your partner?

Callen

What, like that's ever worked? Admittedly, putting Sam on the streets as Tyrell Ellis is not without risks. Memo Torres is behind this. Reactivating Tyrell Ellis is the only way to find him.

Sam

It's our only bet, Hetty, and you know it.

Hetty

I don't like it.

Sam

Trained in wilderness survival, G. I know what poison oak looks like.

Sam

It's on my butt, isn't it?

Hetty

Yes it is, Mr. Hanna. And there's nothing like a good *thick* slathering of calomine. Remove your pants, I won't look.

Hetty

I had to do this for Ollie North in Nicaragua - twice. The man really was an ass.

Hetty

Mr Hanna. Mr. Callen. Gentlemen?

Callen

She retired, last I heard. That was 5 years ago.

Hetty

[Entering] Undercover agents don't retire. They just go deeper.

Deeks

[Quietly to Kensi] You guys ever consider putting a bell around her neck?

Hetty

Many people have tried, Mr. Deeks.

Hetty

I sense impending mayhem... and perhaps an outrageous petty cash request.

Callen

One simple question, Hetty.

Sam

Do you trust us?

Hetty

Mattias.

This is getting to be a habit.

Hetty

I told my director, that he might someday regret having passed you on to the C.I.A.

And one day later?

Hetty

The regret is all mine.

And now you're asking yourself, why would the CIA free me? Especially after I tried to kill you.

Hetty

Obvious answer. You're working for them. You get your freedom. What do they get?

The book.

Hetty

Ah. You said you didn't think it even existed.

Doesn't matter what I think. The CIA believes it exists. And by your presence here, so do you. Although I do find it odd. This office has already been thoroughly searched.

Hetty

Then why are you here, Mattias?

Because the easiest way to find the book...

Hetty

Is to follow me. You're aware there are other players?

Isn't it in all our best interests that the Russians don't get the book?

Hetty

The Russians. [sighs] Then I can trust you to leave my agent inside alone.

She'll find nothing. And you know it. It's a shell game. You want us looking here so we're not looking somewhere else.

Hetty

I could shoot you right now, Mattias. But you're not even worth the paperwork. [keyless entry remote chirps]

Callen

Dare I ask what we did to deserve this, Hetty?

Hetty

Rest assured, Mr. Callen, I never give gifts unless they perfectly suit the recipients.

Callen

And perfection struck four times today?

Hetty

...Happy Holidays everyone!

Hetty

Move it, Mr. Callen.

Callen

I've got more body mass to move than you.

Hetty

You've got a lot more excuses too.

Hetty

I just got off the phone with Director Vance. He's on his way to brief Sec Nav. Who in turn has an appointment with the President. You know what that means, don't you?

Callen

Heads are going to roll.

Hetty

It's that other end of one's anatomy I'm worried about. The ass chewing gets worse on the way back down the ladder.

Callen

What does that mean? You're next?

Hetty

No. Because you're going to resolve this before that happens.

Callen

I will do my best to protect your ass... sets.

Is that what you call surveillance?

Deeks

Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.

You're interfering with a federal investigation.

Kensi

Uh, our investigation, actually.

We've been working this case for months.

Callen

And it's clearly time for us to take over.

Kensi

You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Kensi

No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.

Deeks

Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.

You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.

Callen

Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. [speed-dials cell phone] Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.

Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?

Kensi

You know her?

We've heard stories.

Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.

Deeks

Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.

Callen

[hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.

This is Agent Frisbee.

Eric

[whispering] Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Hetty

Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?

Yes.

Nell

His wife's name's Darlene.

Hetty

How's your wife, Darlene?

She's fine.

Eric

[whispering] Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.

Hetty

How's Heather?

[clears throat] Heather?

Hetty

Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.

It's "Freeze-be."

Hetty

I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.

Bobby?

Hetty

Your director!

[clears throat] I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.

Hetty

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.

It's Freeze... [Hetty hangs up] [phone beeps]

Sam

You should've told me.

Hetty

That's precisely why I didn't.

Sam

Moe isn't trained for this. He shouldn't be in there alone.

Hetty

He isn't in there alone. You underestimate me, Mr. Hanna. One of our best people is in there with him. Uh, Eric, ISP number 579.72.351.462. Access camera 7.

Eric

Okay.

Nell

I'm sorry where is this?

Eric

Oakville Federal Prison.

Hetty

I'm sure Nate is more than capable of this.

Hetty

You see what happens when you pull away from your team.

Callen

My team? I didn't hire Deeks, or any of them for that matter.

Hetty

No, if I left the hiring up to you, you'd be the only person working here.

Callen

You saying I don't play well with others, Hetty?

Hetty

I'm suggesting that your default is to go it alone when you may be needing them most. I'd like to think that I impart a certain wisdom and skillset to those who pass through those doors. The one wish I have for you, Mr. Callen, is that by the time you leave here, you've learned the art of trusting others in your personal life as well as at work.

Callen

[On his cellphone] Nell, you don't have to whisper.

Nell

Right, well, maybe I don't have to, but I would prefer to, if that's okay with you? Not that I don't respect your authority, Agent Callen. It's just, I think it's in my best interest not to get on Hetty's bad side.

Hetty

[Entering] Too late dear.

Sam

Need to stop this video Eric!

Eric

Video's already in the cloud, the auto run script executable is about to go live, I'm almost there....

Sam

Eric!!

Eric

Video's been disabled guys.

Hetty

What did you just do?

Eric

I used a VNC controller to piggyback the upload with a Trojan and corrupt the streaming data packets by initiating the stack buffer overflow.

Hetty

(pause) In English, Mr. Beal?

Eric

Oh...I broke the Internet.

Deeks

Hospital admin asked me for my next of kin. Who should I, uh... Who should I put down?

Hetty

Lange. Henrietta.