G. Callen quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Callen

[looking at a teenage militia member] You've got to be kidding me. I'm being shot at by a Jonas Brother... And I think I'm about to meet the rest of the family.

Callen

Now is that a casual walking away or is that an 'I see two guys who may be law enforcement' walking away?

Callen

Sam doesn't play well with others and he doesn't like to share his toys.

Callen

Do I have to remind you of the nunchuk incident? You get hurt; you're driving yourself to the ER. That's all I'm saying.

G. Callen

That whole motherland thing's overrated. I mean, look at me. I come from a line of blood-feuding gypsies who keep trying to kill me. How's that justice?

Callen

What are we, if anyone asks?

Sam

Uhh, city inspectors?

Callen

No, nobody talks to city inspectors.

Sam

Okay, you're a realtor, I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.

Callen

Do I look like a realtor?

Sam

Okay, I'm a realtor, you're the guy looking for the apartment. Okay? Can we go?

Callen

Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.

Sam

Well, that's why I'm showing you, to see if, you know, you would wanna live in a place like this.

Callen

Does it have a Jacuzzi?

Sam

If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.

Sam

I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.

Callen

Great. You make sure you put some money in it.

Sam

How 'bout I put a personality in it?

Callen

Where are we with friends or lovers?

Sam

There is one stand-out, a guy.

Callen

Friend or lover?

Not really the question that had jumped out at me.

Callen

Informed guess?

He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. So, I'm leaning towards a friend.

Sam

Good call, Dom.

Hetty

Wardrobe for your undercover work. I know you grew up in the well-meaning, but cold embrace of the welfare state, Mr. Callen, but, just because you're an orphan, doesn't mean that you have to dress like Oliver Twist. Now, we need something, modern, individual, that speaks to the man within. [hands him clothes] That's not for you to admire, it's for you to try on. Here, and here, and here. [holds up clothes] This or this?

Callen

Those.

Hetty

Uh, fitted boot jean, medium weight, distressed denim. I think we need something more relaxed, Mr. Callen. [Callen chuckles] Something amuses you?

Callen

Oh, it's just in three years, you've never called me "G".

Hetty

It's not a name, it's a letter. Now, if you were to tell me what the "G" stands for.

Callen

No one ever told me.

Hetty

Expense accounts--you're 6 months behind. I would have thought that, seeing you had time off for recuperation, you would have caught up on your paperwork.

Callen

Please tell me you're kidding me, Hetty.

Hetty

Well, I could, but it would be a lie. No rush! Tomorrow will be fine...

Sam

SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.

Callen

Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.

Kensi

Look you guys, I am the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charming, spontaneous, tasteful.

Sam

Like me.

Callen

And the second?

Kensi

The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.

Sam

Like G.

Sam

How fast can we get that footage off the web?

Eric

With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? [Sam looks at him] Okay, cutting through the legal tape... [types in some code and grins] I just crashed their entire server.

Hetty

[yelling from her office] Idiot hackers!!!

Eric

Uh-oh

Callen

Sam, I think we're due in the boathouse.

Sam

Walking!

Callen

Eric did it.

Sam

Hey, Hetty.

Hetty

I was watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?

Sam

So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college friend?

Callen

How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?

Sam

Oh, yeah!

I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up, you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.

Callen

I know exactly what you mean.

Sam

I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.

Callen

Two out of three ain't bad.