Hetty Lange quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Hetty

Wushu is the Chinese martial art with 18 arms or weapons. I prefer the steel whip or the meteor hammer, but you have to stay in practise with all of them.

Callen

No doubt. I mean, you never know when a horde of murderous Mongols are gonna come galloping over Laurel Canyon.

Eric

[blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team] All hands on deck.

Callen

[to Hetty] You gave him a whistle?

Hetty

Oh, do I look as if I've gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.

Sam

Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

Callen

You want to be briefed on this?

Hetty

I don't know. Do I?

Callen

I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.

Hetty

Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'

Callen

You're the first line of defense?

Hetty

Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

Hetty

Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.

Callen

I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Deeks

Hmm... Who are you guys?... I mean... I mean... H-how did you get all this information?... I mean the only thing missing here is... (She hands him a pen)

Hetty

No need to date it.

Hetty

$50,000 limit. However, if more than $5000 is charged to this card, I will come for you with my letter opener. Is that clear, Mr. Deeks?

Deeks

Got it. Wait, what? You want me to sign this? Cause it's Cal - it's Callen's card.

Hetty

And you're the guarantor.

Hetty

You know I despise your wardrobe, particularly those flip-flops, not to mention your surfboard leaning preciously close to my car. The sand you track into the OPS center or the millions of dollars of top-secret technology you use to play your frivolous video games.

Eric

I only left my surfboard near you car once... twice. I don't do it anymore.

Hetty

But I tolerate it all, for the most part. And, do you know why, Mr. Beale?

Eric

My playful kitten-like personality? I don't know why I just said that. I make jokes when I'm nervous... use humor as a defense mechanism. It's a bad habit. I don't even know why I'm still talking.

Hetty

I tolerate it because you are unequalled at what you do. I am the way I am because I demand the best. This is an elite unit whose unparalleled success rests on the superior skills of those who work here. And that's why I know that if anyone can fix this, it is you.

Eric

This is traffic cam footage pulled from that intersection approximately 15 minutes ago.

Kensi

I'll call Deeks. Make sure LAPD knows we'll be handling this discreetly.

Sam

Eric, pull up everything you've got about this guy.

Eric

According to initial reports, the dead man's name was Michael St. Paris. No criminal record. Employed by North Gate Elite Security. They're a private investigation firm specialising in surveillance work.

Sam

He was running a tail. G caught him, so St. Paris bolted. I'll call North Gate and see who hired him.

Eric

Callen left the crash scene almost immediately. He must have stuck to blind spots and moved fast because no cameras got him. Also, his phone went dead right after he sent that alert to Hetty. Off the grid.

Kensi

Could this have anything to do with Agent Macy's murder in Annapolis?

Hetty

No. It's unrelated.

Nate

What's Callen going to do now?

Hetty

What he does best. Become a ghost.

Sam

Um, so we can't find him?

Hetty

Not until he's ready to be found.

Hetty

Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?

Callen

I'm keeping receipts.

Callen

What happened to protocol?

Hetty

It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.

Callen

Well, he's going to have to get in line.

Hetty

During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.

Callen

You didn't?

Hetty

Perish the thought.

Hetty

[after sharpening her pencil] I much prefer a good HB to a Bic. Press firmly enough and people don't have to read between the lines to get the message. The answer is no, Mr. Callen.

Callen

Hetty, you don't even know what the question is.

Hetty

It's no to all of them. Is there any mention of this in your classified file? No. Was I aware you had a relative? No. Am I surprised? No. Should you stay on this case? Definitely, no.

Hetty

The agent's name is Trent Kort... Sam and Kensi, boathouse in half an hour. [Hetty leaves]

Sam

[to Callen] She knows. You can't go. [Callen sighs, then starts to leave] Where you goin'?

Callen

Shoot someone.

Hetty

You need a place to live, Mr. Callen.

Callen

I'm staying at Sam's.

Hetty

[groans] Spare rooms and office couches. Flophouse floors are not conducive to a restful sleep. And I need you awake. Someone's gone missing.

Callen

Who?

Hetty

Deeks.

Hetty

Second unrelated question, do you have plans for this weekend?

Nate

Plans?

Hetty

Plans.

Nate

Uh, are you asking me out? No, that'd be weird. No, no plans.

Hetty

Pack a bag, and your passport.

Nate

I'm sorry?

Hetty

You're needed.

Nate

Needed where?

Hetty

You'll find out when you get there. There's a C-117 leaving in 90 minutes. Transport's outside.

Nate

But I - uh.

Hetty

You did say you had no plans.

Hetty

Go.

Nate

Going.

Deeks

I think there's something wrong with you hot water heater.

Hetty

The showers are on timers Mr. Deeks, you obviously exceeded the recommended duration.

Kensi

You might want to make an exception in his case, he really needs it.

Deeks

For your information, I won the hygiene award in high school.

Eric

What kind of school rewards you for bathing?

Deeks

I don't know, man, a sparkly clean one?