Marty Deeks quotes from NCIS: Los Angeles

Deeks

(to Kensi) You smell like sunshine and gunpowder...two of my favorite things.

Kensi

Eww. You're like wet dog.

He also likes blondes.

Kensi

All right, I will wear a wig, but I will not dye my hair for this man.

Wouldn't help. You're not his type.

Kensi

[Long pause] What's his type?

Deeks

No. Really?... Come on!

Deeks

Wonder what it would be like-- you, me, Red Team...

Kensi

Unbearable.

Deeks

...working together.

Kensi

We're supposed to be working an unsolved murder case in which the victim was shot in the back of the head with a low-velocity round, Deeks.

Deeks

Living together. Me walking in on you in the shower. Or the bunk room. You walking in on me in the shower. Or the bunk room.

Kensi

You walking in on Sam or Hetty.

Deeks

Who invited them?

Kensi

We're a team, aren't we?

Deeks

Yeah. No, two people can be a team.

Kensi

Mm. How many case files have you reviewed?

Deeks

Seven.

Kensi

Mm?

Deeks

Almost.

Kensi

33.

Deeks

33?!

Kensi

Get on it!

Deeks

(clearing his throat) Detective Marty Deeks, Cold Case Division. (laughs) Oh. Yes. Hi... Hetty. Yes. No, we're... Right now? Ops on the double.

Kensi

We'll take the bikini bar.

Deeks

What? We will?

Kensi

I don't like to see him beg. And plus, he would mope all the way to Point Mugu if we didn't.

Deeks

This is fantastic news, but I don't beg.

Kensi

Oh, you beg.

Deeks

I definitely don't mope. 'Cause you're the moper. You're, like, Mopey Dick

Kensi

Look, I am taking a leap here with this babysitting thing. It would be really nice to have my partner there to back me up. That is, if he takes me up on it.

Deeks

You want to play house?

Callen

They want to play house, Sam. At your house, when you're not there.

Sam

Oh, yeah? I have nanny cams. Everywhere.

Deeks

That's okay, 'cause I do some of my best work on camera.

Kensi

Oh, thank you for an image I will never be able to get out of my head.

Yeah? Hello? Hello?

Kensi

I think they hung up. [flashing her badge] NCIS.

What?

Kensi

Too many letters? Federal agent.

[tries to run but gets into a fist fight with Kensi] Back off, bitch. I mean it. [fight continues]

Deeks

Freeze!

Max, what are you doing? Shoot her!

Kensi

Sorry, honey, he's with me. And his real name is Marty Deeks, and he's a cop, and he's my partner. Who's the bitch now?

He is.

Kensi

Can't argue with that.

Deeks

I was just going to see if you were good.

Kensi

Yeah. You?

Deeks

I mean, I'm good if you are good.

Kensi

I'm good.

Deeks

Okay, good. We're good. Which is, you know... great.

Kensi

Glad we cleared that up.

Deeks

You got me a Cronut?

Kensi

Um, I did, but that was a while ago, and I left it at your doorstep, so that's old, don't eat it.

Deeks

N-N-N-No, d-don't throw it away. It's the thought that counts, I'm gonna frame this thing.

Kensi

You're so weird.

Deeks

I mean, look at that. It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby.

Kensi

What happens next?

Deeks

It's a love story.

Hetty

Oh, uh, I need to inform you all that because of an executive order, Omni's shares of Norris BioTech are now the property of the U.S. And Dr. Leonard will be the acting president of the company. That's it.

Deeks

Good for him. See? I told you. He's, uh, socially awkward and annoying because he's a super genius.

Kensi

Great. What's your excuse?

Deeks

Whoa, wow, did that just happen? Did you just make a torture joke?

Kensi

I'm sorry. Was that too soon?

Deeks

No, no, that actually may be too late.

Kensi

What? Oh, come on. You haven't been here. It's been building up!

Deeks

All right, you know what, fire away.

Kensi

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Deeks

Get it out of your system. Let's hear it.

Kensi

[chuckles] Do your new teeth have satellite radio or just terrestrial? Think a surfboard company would make a leash for your gun? Would have screamed louder had they cut your bangs? [puts hands up in the air in celebration]

Deeks

Wow

Kensi

It feels good! I missed you.

Deeks

Sorry....what?

Kensi

You know what I mean

Deeks

I do

Deeks

You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.

Kensi

Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.

Deeks

They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.

Kensi

And yet you still found room to hide your gun.

Sam

They're like Archie and Edith.

Callen

It's more like Archie and Meathead.

Sam

I thought that party was VIPs only.

Deeks

Yeah, no... I... not-not that I'd been, but if I had been, which I'm not saying that I have, it's only because the security guards are very pro-LAPD.

Kensi

Which probably means he used his badge to get in.

Deeks

Of course I wouldn't do that. That's against, uh, LAPD regulations.

Sam

You good?

Deeks

Yeah! I’m good! (Sam, Callen and Kensi all stare at him.) God, you guys, I’m fine, all right? You can stop walking around me on eggshells. I understand it’s my first day back and you’re worried about me but I’m … I’m good. You know what? I’m … I’m better than good. I haven’t wept the bed in over a week and the voices in my head have all been going away. (Deeks starts talking to himself.) Shut up! No, you shut up! I’m fine!

Sam

Seems good to me.

Deeks

Thank you.

Deeks

Why'd you wait with the bodies? You could have been long gone by the time we got there.

Because I wanted you to know what happened, what Callen was going to do.

Kensi

Why?

Because Callen is a friend of mine and I don't want him to die today.

Deeks

Hetty, hi. Can, I, uh... ask you a question?

Hetty

No.

Deeks

No, as in, I can't ask you a question?

Hetty

No. Upstairs, there's a case.

Deeks

You're not even curious of what the question is?

Hetty

No. (walks away)

Deeks

Okay. I cherish these conversations. Feels like we're really bonding as a couple.