Muppets Tonight Season 1 quotes

[Infiltrating the CLA] The name's Prawn, James Prawn!

Don't you think you're being a little...shellfish?

I am a little shellfish! Oh, I get it, it's a pun! Wait a second...crustaceans don't make puns!

Yeah, you're no prawn!

Get him boys!

Ok, your time's up! This is it! [hits the Band Leader with the 'Deadly Alarm Clock] You have really ticked me off now!

[Cheering] Grouper, grouper, give a shout,

Excuse me, but who are you?

We're the corporate majorettes. [One bimbo punches Kermit in the face]

What did you do that for?

This is a hostile make-over.

[Entering] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That is take-over, you bubblehead! Now get back to the limo. I don't know why I made them senior executive vice-presidents.

Woof!!

Ah, now I remember.

Excuse me, but what are you doing to my office?

It's not your office anymore. Now that I'm in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.

Er, my name is Kermit.

That's one of the changes, from now on you are Virgil the Monkey.

[upon seeing the Two Homies of Verona] This is trash. There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all!

That's not very nice.

No, this is not very nice: Beavis, intimidate them!

Hello everyone, Kermit the Fr... [Ernst Stavros Grouper coughs] Virgil the Monkey here.

Make the noise

Ee, ee, ee, oo, oo, oo. O.

I love this little monkey.

Anyway: I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.

Now, as your new owner I would like to get to know each of you by name: Who are you?

Well, I'm Rizzo the Rat

Not anymore, now you're Alfred the Worm!

What the...?

And you: Who are you?

Err, I'm Bobo the Bear.

Not anymore, now... you're... Whitley Nibbles the Television Elf.

Alright.

And, er, let's see, who, who are you?

Well, I'm, err,... Bob, and, Err,... raisins come out of my Ears.

No, you are Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.

It worked! YES!

Now, now, now. There will be a few more changes. Number One: Yellow will be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two: I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.

Number three.

Very good, Alfred, my obsiquious little worm.

Err, Mr. Grouper?

Yes, my little funky monkey.

I am a frog, I am not a monkey.

Yes, and the Elephant Man is a human being, what else is new?

Well, I tell you what's new. Just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.

What are you saying Virgil?!

I tell you what I'm saying: if the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are, then I quit, Grouper, I quit, quit, quit!

[sweet] Virgil, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey, you cannot quit.

Why is that?

BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!! Muhahahaha!

Andy

What? The winner of what?! $14,000,000!?!?! Well, no, thank you. We cannot count that high. [they both hang up]

Clifford

Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe that you just turned down $14,000,000!

Andy

Oh, we didn't. It was for you.

Clifford

Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?

Bobo

Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure.

Bobo

[answers the phone] Homicide, how can I help you?

Alright, man. Listen and listen good.

Bobo

Okay.

There's a bomb in your studio.

Bobo

Oh, I know: I read this week's script too. [laughs] Have, have a good day, sir! [puts phone down. The mad bomber tries again]

Don't hang up again!!!

Bobo

Ok, whatever you say, sir:

Now, listen to me, and listen carefully!

Bobo

Ok.

I have something very important to tell you!

Bobo

Oh, ah, eh, Should I write this down?

Yes, it's important!

Bobo

Okay, eh, well, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. I need to find a pencil.

Hey, no! [gets put on hold while listening to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection"] D'oh!

Clifford

How am I gonna keep the ratings above 50?

Well, first off, you gotta get rid of this act. Ugh!

Clifford

Aw, man!

I don't understand the concept of changin. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!

Seymour

Hey, hey, hey, put us on, we've got an act!

Are we that desperate?

Yes, go, go, go, come on!

Pepe

Hahahah, Richard...

Seymour

I'm Seymour.

Pepe

I'm Pepe.

We're two of a kind.

Pepe

I'm a little bit forward,

Seymour

and I've got a big behind.

Pepe

Hey, Seymour, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Seymour

Gee, Pepe, I don't know.

Pepe

Ela-if I-know.

[to Clifford] Oh, oh, oh, well: Dennis Quaid is doing great! Yeah yeah, you know: you guys really ought to do this show together, you know, well, we can call it the, er, the Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour Featuring Dennis Quaid! Huhhuh, haa!

And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.

Help, help! I've been murderized!

Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!

[rising] Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really-

Bobo

[shutting his mouth] SHHH!!! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. [lowering him down]

Bunsen

Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?

There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!

[in his French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.

Bobo

Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?

Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.

But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.

I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.

Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.

Bobo

Shht. Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!

[grabbing Bobo's collar] Yes. I might, if I was HercuLES, which I am NOT! Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.

Bunsen

Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.

Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.

Bunsen

What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?

[normal voice] Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Jason, please, you're breaking character.

I'm breaking character? You're supposed to be DEAD! [pokes him in the eyes] This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!!! [falls off the train]

I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. [honks his horn]