Go to hell.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.
S1 E3Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale
So you're a nurse?
Mmm, I was.
Where did you intern?
Modesto General.
So you knew Michelle Bletched?
Oh, oh, my God, yes. [She and Dr. Vezza laugh] “The Wretched Miss Bletched”.
[in falsetto] Attention, everyone! Attention! This is not a drill!
God.
[imitating Katharine Hepburn in falsetto] Yes, you should hear my Katharine Hepburn.
That's very good. Very good.
Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.
Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Like I said, it's just not possible.
[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
What time is it?
[checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Oh-- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
What about liposuction?
What?
Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Reverse liposuction.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
You think that's possible?
I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?
[Stottlemeyer arrives to arrest Dale for the murder, interrupting Dale's video-talk with another girl]
Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.
I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. [tosses Dale an envelope] That's a warrant. Duly sworn.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
[to the girl on TV] Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. [turns off the monitor] Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution…again? [Stottlemeyer motions towards the French doors]
I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
[laughs] A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?
Mr. Monk!
DBDale "the Whale" Biederbeck
Well, my, my, my. [Monk, Sharona, and a uniformed cop enter, carrying two chairs] It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.
These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. [refers to the uniform] This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?
SCSgt. Cargill
265.
Would you mind? [Cargill stands on top of the chair, which breaks under his weight] So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant? [Randy enters wearing Dr. Vezza's empathy suit] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. [Randy stands on the other chair, which does not break] Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.
[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
So when she died...
Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]
S1 E4Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival
[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No -- you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!
[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
You son of a bitch.
I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
I think I did do the right thing.
He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.
Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
No, sir.
Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
LDLt. Disher
Horse tranquilizers, sir.
I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
LDLt. Disher
Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
You okay?
I just wanna be alone.
Okay, I'll come with you.
Let's go up in the Ferris Wheel, then we'll be able to see everything.
I've got a better idea. You go up in the Ferris Wheel and you can see everything.
(cuts to Sharona in the bucket.)
You do know how to operate this thing, right?
How hard can it be?
Get me down! I thought you said you knew how to operate this thing!
I am not familiar with this particular model!
What am I doing up here? What am I doing up here?!
Rescuing me!
[first time line is spoken in the series]
So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse. Now don't ever take my shoes again!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.