Misfits · Season 1
So, you all set? In the past, I could touch Alisha. The power didn't work on me.
It was you.
What was him?
The first power I ever sold was the immunity from other people's powers. You came to see me. I knew I recognized you. I sold it to you. And you gave me ten grand. Now, you need to come and see me after you go back.
I don't have ten grand.
I do.
You're gonna give him ten grand?
Yeah, well, he's gonna give it me back, so... I guess it's a loan.
Just go back and make Alisha fall in love with you all over again. Promise me, yeah?
I promise. I'll see you soon.
Can I help you with something?
I want to buy a power.
Well, what sort of thing are you after?
I want the immunity to other people's powers.
How do you know what? I just bought that exact power. How do you even know about me?
A friend told me to come and see you.
You got money? That should cover it. So, what are you going to do with it?
I'm going to make a girl fall in love with me.
Right, so, hang on...
So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?
I think it's dead romantic.
Is it, though?! I mean, what are we supposed to feel; happy or sad?
It's a bit of both.
Right.
So... [sobs and laughs simulataneously] I'm not very good with your mixed emotions. I'm just going with happy.
We're never gonna see them again, are we?
What's the matter with you?
You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?
So, what do we do now?
Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.
Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.
[Sitting on bench with Finn] Don't.
What?
Make small talk. I hate small talk.
Me, too. Hate the small talkers. Like me mum. What a twat. That was probably a bit harsh. She can't help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn't had a stroke. She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! [Mimics rasping voice] "They took me womanhood..." I was like, "Mum! Spare me the graphic biological details." [Chuckles] Did they tell you nine o'clock? 'Cause they said nine to me. [Jess walks away]
[Rudy is in office fondling to online porn] Oh, yes! Fuck me harder! Oh, yes, I like it when you do that! [Finn and Jess enter office and Rudy sits up]
Who are you?
We're here for our community service.
Who are you?
I am your probation worker.
Fuck this tight little asshole! [Rudy attempts to turn it off unsuccessfully]
That's not... That is just wrong. That is not how... That's not how God intended it. Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.
Oh, yes!
Wow.
Oh, it's so hard!
This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...
Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!
[Turns off monitor] Somebody's daughter! [Holds out a bag] Want a nacho?
This isn't going to end well for ya. You've already lost a hand. There's only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase... and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.
Fuck you.
[Answers phone] What?
[Watching Finn and Jess] I think we might have a problem.
[Talking about Finn and Jess] They show up here the day after we get the briefcase. They're not on Community Service. It's bullshit.
I'm all over it. Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker. It turns out that I'm quite the actor.
[Watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?
I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.
Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?
It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.
Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.
They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker. [Walks away] Shit! [Walks in other direction] Just put that back on there. Safety is very important. [Places fire extinguisher in corner and it falls over] That's...poor craftsmanship, that is.
[Spied on by Jess at a coffin freezer who has x-ray vision] Shut up! Stop making me out to be the bad guy! This is a situation entirely of your own making! Your bollocks are going to freeze into little hairy ice cubes unless you tell me where that case is.! I'm taking that as well! A Cornetto! No Cornetto for you, mate!
You know how you said this was a weird setup? So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
Okay. You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation for locking someone in a freezer.
Do we need to get involved? What if we pretend you didn't see it? How's that sitting with you? Cos...that feels good to me.
I was just getting a Bounty.
Whereas I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.
We need to get that guy out of the freezer.
[Sees chainsaw on office table] That's a definite ball-tightening moment. [Jess grabs key ring]
[Rudy opens door to office to Seth torturing Michael] What's going on?
Well, either there's a fire, or someone's attempting to fuck with us! Stay with him!
The question is, how much is a bollock worth to you?
Fuck you.
Michael!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
