TV show quotes
This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
[To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Denied.
Gutted.
They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
[To Curtis after fighting with Rudy for Ally's model seat] Hi. Is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. So, um, you're gonna be sculpting me? If that's all right with you?
I'm Ally.
Curtis. I'll... I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.
It's my first time doing anything like this. I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
Oh! Go for it.
You've got lovely skin.
You are bang out of order, mate!
Yeah? And how's that?
Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
No.
It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
And how's that?
A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
Can you please stop saying "vagina"?
Yes.
What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
[Alex walks in] Who's he?
Alex. He just started working here. Come on.
One, two...
He is fucking gorgeous.
Whoa! Please! It's just, I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive. Yeah, and secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a "will they, won't they, yeah, they probably will sort of thing going on. I'm just...
Are... Are you actually mentally ill?
I could be, if... Is that your thing?
You need help. I need a piss.
I've just remembered, I need to go home, to let the dog out. [Runs away]
[Spews his drink] Fuck, man! Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one! Let your dog out! Let it off the leash, let it off, grr! See you tomorrow.
Dirty bastard, off home for... [does hand motions with putting up v-sign] to be continued.
Whatever.
[Finn opens front door] Evening. Ha!
What are you doing here?
In the neighbourhood.
How d'you know where I live?
Instinct.
Instinct... That was a lie, that.
Here's the thing, I followed you home. I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep, you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so... psychology, it's clever.
You can't stay here.
You don't mean that.
I do, you can't stay.
I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear it. Invite me in, you little prick. [Forcing his way in a fight]
You're not invited!
I'm inviting me!
I'm uninviting you!
I'm reinviting me!
Get off! Get off me! You're on me!
[In hall] Thank you. Invitation accepted. [Notices door with multiple locks] Is that mine there, with all the bolts and padlocks on it?
No. That's, er... It's that one down there.
Put the kettle on, then.
You can't keep me tied up for ever.
I'll let you go as soon as we get it sorted.
When will that be?
Soon. Really soon, I promise.
[In hall drinking a mug meeting Finn holding a bucket] Morning.
I thought you were asleep.
Yeah, well... the early bird catches the worm. [Notices bucket Finn is holding]
I like to shit in a bucket.
Well, that's... strange.
It's my flat. I can shit where I like. I should probably flush it. It's a bit of a stinky one.
[Rudy, Curtis and Jess are at blind people's clay modeling in the recreation centre atrium]
He shits in a bucket?
Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?
Whose shit was it?
Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...
[Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.
What? Why does she want a different model?
Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.
[Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
Hi. It's Curtis. From yesterday. Why did you ask to change models?
I don't have to explain myself to you.
Did I do something to offend you? Look, it's obvious you've got some kind of problem with me, so why don't you just tell me what it is?
I think that people like you and people like me should stick to our own kind.
[Scoffs] You're racist?
That's your word. You can call it that if you want. I call it that because that's what it is.
She's a racist.
[Softly] Jess?
What? No! Ally. No.
Lovely blind Ally with her shiny hair, she smells of roses. No.
She asked to change models cause I'm black. She's a racist.
She's blind. I think it... That cancels it out, does it not cancel...?
There ain't no canceling out. What about Stevie Wonder?
What's your point?
Blind and black, you idiot. [Points at Curtis] Ebony and [points to self] ivory. Why can't we all just sit together? In perfect harmony! With... [sings] Paul McCartney... [normal voice] who was a vegan. [Laughs] He weren't a racist.
I've no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Stevie Wonder. Old...wobbly head, that's me way in.
To what?
To curing her of her terrible racism. [Curtis stares in stunned silence]
Is it all right if I go home to let my dog out?
What's it worth?
[Chuckles] What, you want me to pay you?
Well, you're asking me to risk my job, my pension, my reputation, so... what's it worth, dipshit?
About £2.86? [Puts change in Greg's hand]
Fuck off.
Does that mean I can go and feed me dog?
No.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I believe I am, yeah. He is keeping a talking dog prisoner.
[Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
Are you coming on to me?
No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
What's going on?
I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
[Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Why didn't you just leave her?!
Because I love her!
You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
