Metalocalypse · Season 1
Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.
What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?
Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...
But don't make a fan your girlfriend!
Why not?!
Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.
...Hi.
Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!
It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!
She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.
All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.
...Hi.
[disgusted] Uhhh, come on guys, we gots to gos to a meetings.
Yeah you're right. Let's go. Charles always gets pissed off when were late, you know? [chuckles; Charles walks in] He's such an uptight [notices him standing right beside him] diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildooooooooooooooo-hi.
[not amused] ...Hi.
Gentlemen, Dethklok has returned back to Earth and is on the verge of releasing a new record. General Crozier?
In addition, Nathan Explosion has begun dating a fan.
Historically, dating a fan has proven to be catastrophic.
Yes. Here to speak more is Nathan Explosion Romance expert, Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin. Dr. McMildidindindin?
Nathan Explosion is cursed by love! In this case he is involved in the worst relationship known to mankind; he's begun seriously dating one of his wretched, mindless, fans. A lactic pathetic attempt to avoid intimacy. These fan elastic pretend relationships have the illusion of working, but when the celebrity wants out, the results can be quite dangerous.
Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.
Sweaty nerds!
Ugh, cosplay geeks!
Dethklok furries!
Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.
[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!
Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.
Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?
It's a galloner...
Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?
[moving on] Yeah...
Nice Nathan outfit!
Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...
Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?
Oh, I do, it's over there...
Ams thats supposed to be me?
Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...
[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!
Can you guys ever be serious?
[smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!
How come what's-his-face isn't here?
What's-his-face...
Uhhh Toki!
Toki!
Oh Toki's not here!
I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.
So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.
Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?
Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.
It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.
We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!
Boy is that ever!
Either way the media thinks your racists.
Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.
Yup.
Chinese food.
Yup.
Black, uhhh, liquorice.
Guys this youth center is gonna mean a lot to your minority fans so let's just get through this and we won't be racist anymore. I mean uh, we never were...but people thought we were. But I know I'm not racist, and I suspect that you are not. Okay once they get their building-
They?
Okay...then we get our non-racist reputation back.
[about the special costumes Toki made them wear for the Diversity event] Holy shit, guys! We ams dressed likes the fuckings Klans!
Toki, your special outfits, while very comfortable, are going to get us killed!
[watching on TV having been left behind at Mordhaus] Ah, you fuckers left me again!
[as the band run for their lives from a mob of outraged fans] This is so not doable!
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
[phone rings] Hello?
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
We can order pizza!
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
Told you so.
It's too late.
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
Oh what happened?
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.
GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!
Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!
[silence] YOU'RE A JERK-
What was I talking about? Fuck this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] Fuck you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.
That was pretty goods.
My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!
Pickles, calm down!
It's true!!
Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!
Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!
Uh, Pickle?
Yes?!
You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.
[infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!
Yeah! The family that you hate!
And you also calls dems assholes all the times.
Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!
[shocked] Pickles! Us?!
YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.
[deep in thought] .....you mean houses.
...Yes.
Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!
Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!
Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!
You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-
HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.
Why do you need that?
It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!
Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.
God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?
Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"
Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!
Guys come on, I don't think-
CLEAR!!
Dude that's pretty awesome!
Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?
I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.
How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
