Metalocalypse quotes

Nathan

Attention! You big baby!

Skwisgaar

Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?

Murderface

Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?

Nathan

We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.

Murderface

Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.

Nathan

That's part of the surprise.

Murderface

Why?

Nathan

Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.

Pickles

Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!

Nathan

Well, what do you think?

Toki

Big fat tires and everything!

Murderface

But I already got, like, a million limos.

Pickles

Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]

Nathan

It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

Pickles

And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki

And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

Murderface

You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]

Skwisgaar

Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.

Toki

Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!

Skwisgaar

Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.

Toki

[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

Charles Ofdensen

Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.

Nathan

All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.

Ofdensen

Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.

Pickles the Drummer

So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.

Pickles

Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.

Nathan

You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll".

Senator Stampingston

Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.

General Crozier

That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.

Senator Stampingston

Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?

Ofdensen

Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.

Skwisgaar

Well, I'm not sorry.

Nathan

Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Toki

Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!

Nathan

I know!

Pickles

Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!

Toki

That's brutal.

Pickles

So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!

Murderface

Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.

You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...

Nathan

Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.

Nathan

Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.

Skwisgaar

Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.

Nathan

Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.

Nathan

I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.

Murderface

What are those wooden things? Chairs?

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

Skwisgaar

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Pickles

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Nathan

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

Nathan

Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?

Toki

I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.

Skwisgaar

Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!

Toki

Can you?

Skwisgaar

No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.

Nathan

Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?

Toki

Honestly, I was just hitting any note.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.

Toki

THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!

Skwisgaar

[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!

Nathan

Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!

Nathan

[into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Toki

Well, we wins that.

Nathan

Whatever.

Skwisgaar

You preferred that we'd lose?

Nathan

Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.

Pickles

Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?

Nathan

Exactly.

Ohhh.

Murderface

Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.

Pickles

Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.

Murderface

Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!

Oh, thank you William.