Gary quotes from Men Behaving Badly

Tony

Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?

Gary

Course, mate.

Tony

Ta, mate!

Deborah

How come you can't drive, Gary?

Gary

Some people were born to drive, and some people were born to be driven.

Dorothy

Some people were born to be run over.

Gary

You know Felicity Kendal?

Yes.

Gary

She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?

Yes.

Gary

You know the Magic Roundabout?

Yes?

Gary

What the Hell was that all about?

Dorothy

You know my nephew's coming to stay.

Gary

Yeah, why can't he stay in a hotel like normal people?

Dorothy

Because he's 10.

Gary

Isn't there a "kiddies" hotel we could put him in?

Tony

(to Jonathan) So, do you like Thomas The Tank Engine? He's good, isn't he? Eh? With his face. All flat and blue.

Gary

Puff, puff.

Gary

Grow up to be a decent member of society.

Tony

Play lots of sport.

Gary

Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.

Tony

Mmm, except Debs' mum.

Gary

Yeah. Don't help her.

Tony

No. Hinder her.

Gary

Hinder her from crossing the street.

Tony

And just remember, eat plenty of celery.

Gary

Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.

Tony

Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Gary

Yeah, except Debs' mum!

Tony

Because she's not old!

Gary

Not old.

Tony

Not in the slightest.

Gary

In any way.

Tony

At all.

Gary

Leg it.

Dorothy

Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.

Gary

Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.

Dorothy

It's got some horrible stains on it.

Gary

Where?

Dorothy

There. There. There. There.

Deborah

There. Here. There.

Dorothy

There. There. There.

Deborah

There.

Gary

Well, I can't see any.

Deborah

Oh, and what's that, there?

Dorothy

Err.

Gary

Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.

Gary

...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?

Tony

Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.

Gary

Well, why aren't you doing that, then?

Tony

You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

Gary

I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.

Tony

Sure.

Gary

To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.

Tony

What, you mean...

Gary

Yeah.

Tony

The fire's burning but the logs not going in?

Gary

Yeah.

Tony

Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?

Gary

Yeah.

Tony

The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?

Gary

Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.

Tony

Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.

Gary

Thanks, mate.

Tony

Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.

Gary

What?

Dorothy

It doesn't matter, love.

Gary

I know it doesn't.

Dorothy

Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.

Gary

[drunk] You know, I've never said this before...

Tony

[drunk] What?

Gary

"Ibble-wibble wibble".

Gary

Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.

Tony

How do they know?

Gary

I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

Anthea

Did you have a nice drink with Tony?

Gary

Tony Posty! Yes, I did, thank you very much. Here, wait, wait a minute, I've always wanted to...I've always to try this.

Gary

Not actually as much fun as I'd expected.

George

Someone's a bit squiffy.

Gary

Yes, that'll be me. [Anthea starts to leave] No, wait, wait, Anthea don't go, wait, don't go wait, don't... pull up a...a thing, you too Porgie.

Gary

I've had to get squiffy to tell you this, 'cause in a funny way...I care about you. Now, I know that might sound a bit stupid and a bit spooky and perhaps even a bit... [He puts his hand on his head] God, I'm getting a headache! Right...here goes. I've got some bad news.

Anthea

Is it about the pencils?

Gary

No, just forget about the bloody pencils, Anthea. [pause] The office has to close down in two weeks and we're all out of a job.

Anthea

Oh, I can't see that happening.

George

Nor can I.

Gary

Look, imagine this is our job. Yeah? Now look closely. [He turns and gestures with the stapler to the window] Job...going out of window. No? Job...window. Window...job. [He throws the stapler out of the window, breaking the glass. Anthea and George stand up in shock]

Gary

That obviously works a bit better better if you open the window first. But you get my point. [turns and notices Anthea and George standing right by him] Oh! There will of course be a redundy package, a rebundancy package. [takes George by the tie and plays with said tie] George, you've been with the company for...eighty three years, you'll get three million and several thousand pounds. Anthea, [He makes his hand into a fist and almost does a "matey" punch on her shoulder] You've been with the company fifty two years, so you get a small castle in Surrey. Well done! [He sits back down on his desk] Don't worry about me, I obviously will find a nice slot with Parks and Spenenser or Tele British Comms. One of the two.

Gary

Shall we hug, would that help? [Anthea and George back away from his stretched arms]

Anthea

Well, right, [clasps her hands together] I'll just get back to work. [She leaves]

Gary

Oh, blast!

Gary

George...say something.

George

I can't see it happening.