Dermot quotes from Men Behaving Badly

Dermot

That fat bloke pushed his way to the front again.

Gary

Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible. Crush the peppercorns into a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well I haven't got one, Delia. Oh. If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon.

Dermot

Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again.

Gary

How'd it go?

Dermot

I'm knackered. I fell asleep against this woman on the bus. She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her shoulder.

Gary

Slice that, will you? Don't tell me your-- your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board.

Dermot

They didn't offer me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas.

Gary

Well, it makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi naked women in bits of white underwear.

Dermot

Not really. These sofas already had semi naked women in them. They squeezed up to let me sit down.

Gary

That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex.

Dermot

Well, that's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food. What are you cooking anyway.

Gary

Well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish and a rather subtle juniper sauce followed by jelly and ice cream.

Dermot

With hundreds and thousands?

Gary

Yeah.

Dermot

I need something to take my mind of Lisa.

Gary

Yeah.

Dermot

I taught her all my best beer-mat tricks, you know. Why did she leave me?

Gary

Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with her best friend.

Dermot

Women don't like that much, do they? Her teeth went all clenched, like in Dallas. Is this mine?

Gary

Nope.

Dermot

Good. I'm gonna change.

Gary

Well, change into something useful, like a curry.

Gary

Hey, I think a woman's gonna move in upstairs. I found a letter addressed to someone called Deborah.

Dermot

Great. What's it say.

Gary

How should I know? It's private. Actually, I did accidentally steam it open and read it. Her mother enjoyed her holiday in France but the weather was a bit disappointing.

Dermot

France, eh? (Imitates French accent) Bonjour, Deborah. Je m'appelle Dermot. I am sensitive and artistic.

Gary

Have you got the sharp knife in there?

Dermot

Yeah, it's on the side. I'll bring it out in a minute. Yo! Get down, bitch.

Gary

Dermot! Oh, I see. It's a duvet. Well, silly old me. I thought for a moment you'd spent all the money you owe me on a new suit, you piece of scum.

Dermot

I'm looking after it for a friend.

Gary

No, you're not.

Dermot

All right. It's an investment.

Gary

No, it isn't. It's a bloody new, bloody suit, you bastard.

Dermot

It's not my fault. Whenever I see a cheque, I go out of control. I'm the same with tight black skirts, actually.

Gary

This is my money we are talking about here. What would you say if I emptied your wallet and went out on a spending spree?

Dermot

I'd say, "What can you buy these days for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down on Brighton Beach?"

Gary

Well, what else have you bought for yourself?

Dermot

Nothing.

Gary

Well, what's in that bag?

Dermot

Oh, it's-- it's a cookery book.

Gary

You expect me to believe that, do you?

Dermot

You're always saying you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time.

Gary

(sighs) Yeah, all right.

Dermot

Not that there's anything wrong with fish fingers Sur La Toast.

Gary

Take those stupid sunglasses off.

Dermot

You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.

Gary

No, she saw him last night.

Dermot

That must be why she was looking so knackered.

Gary

If you must know, they were up late playing chess

Dermot

Is that what she told you?

Gary

What's that supposed to mean?

Dermot

No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.

Dermot

Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.

Sorry, I don't play chess.

Gary

What?

I don't play chess.

Gary

Oh, you "don't play chess"?

No, I don't

Gary

You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!

Well, I'm sorry.

Gary

GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!

[to Dorothy] Is he always like this?

Gary

GET OFF TO YOUR POXY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!

Dermot

Don't mind them. We could have a game of chess if you want to.

Deborah

No, it's not that. You're leaning on my hair.

Gary

Oh, sorry.

Dermot

I'm just showing you what it would be like if you went out with me.

Deborah

Yes, but it never stays like this. How long would the flowers last? A week? A month?

Dermot

They'd last forever. They're plastic.