Are you alright?
Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me. Let's start there!
[Gary is drunk and stagger into the office, slamming the door open]:
Did you have a nice drink with Tony?
Tony Posty! Yes, I did, thank you very much. Here, wait, wait a minute, I've always wanted to...I've always to try this.
[He swings on the door then gets off and walks over to his desk]:
Not actually as much fun as I'd expected.
Someone's a bit squiffy.
Yes, that'll be me. [Anthea starts to leave] No, wait, wait, Anthea don't go, wait, don't go wait, don't... pull up a...a thing, you too Porgie.
[Gary sits on his desk and Anthea and George take two chairs and sits down]
I've had to get squiffy to tell you this, 'cause in a funny way...I care about you. Now, I know that might sound a bit stupid and a bit spooky and perhaps even a bit... [He puts his hand on his head] God, I'm getting a headache! Right...here goes. I've got some bad news.
Is it about the pencils?
No, just forget about the bloody pencils, Anthea. [pause] The office has to close down in two weeks and we're all out of a job.
[pause]:
Oh, I can't see that happening.
Nor can I.
[Gary is flummoxed. He picks up a stapler]:
Look, imagine this is our job. Yeah? Now look closely. [He turns and gestures with the stapler to the window] Job...going out of window. No? Job...window. Window...job. [He throws the stapler out of the window, breaking the glass. Anthea and George stand up in shock]
That obviously works a bit better better if you open the window first. But you get my point. [turns and notices Anthea and George standing right by him] Oh! There will of course be a redundy package, a rebundancy package. [takes George by the tie and plays with said tie] George, you've been with the company for...eighty three years, you'll get three million and several thousand pounds. Anthea, [He makes his hand into a fist and almost does a "matey" punch on her shoulder] You've been with the company fifty two years, so you get a small castle in Surrey. Well done! [He sits back down on his desk] Don't worry about me, I obviously will find a nice slot with Parks and Spenenser or Tele British Comms. One of the two.
[pause]:
Shall we hug, would that help? [Anthea and George back away from his stretched arms]
Well, right, [clasps her hands together] I'll just get back to work. [She leaves]
Oh, blast!
[He walks over to his desk]:
George...say something.
I can't see it happening.
[While grabbing his chair, Gary falls over]:
[drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?
GAGeorge/Anthea
Yes
No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?
[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]
F (beep) CK F (beep) CK BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?
MMidwife
Just a bit. Nearly there.
[knocks at the door]
WHAT F (beep) CKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU F (beep) CKER?!
[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]
[drunk] That's probably normal.
[drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.
[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]
Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!
You could get a job in a school. Oi, you, get down off that fence! I saw that. Like that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Men Behaving Badly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.