Gary quotes from Men Behaving Badly

Gary

Do you know what hurts the most?

Tony

....Getting your balls caught between two bricks - got to be.

Gary

No, no - do you know what hurts the most about Dorothy and her new bloke?

Tony

Oh sorry, no, what?

Gary

She says she's in love. She never said that with me.

Tony

Oh mate, she doesn't love him. Perhaps he's just better with his knob.

Tony

Gary, you know masturbation?

Gary

Vaguely, yes.

Tony

And you know women?

Gary

Women, yes.

Tony

Well, when they do it, right, they just imagine Richard Gere or Linford Christie or whatever lying on top of them, probably on a mountain top.

Gary

Or in a leafy glade.

Tony

Yeah, something with a girly atmosphere, yeah.

Gary

Whereas all we have to do is reach for your favourite mag and yank yer plank!

(singing) I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker. And it does me good like it bloody well should. I'm a wanker. I'm a wanker.

Gary

Do you wanna come in?

Dorothy

I'd better not.

Gary

Don't worry, we found out where that faint musky smell came from. It was Tony.

Dorothy

No, I'd just rather be somewhere a bit more neutral.

Gary

Switzerland?

Gary

I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.

Vulcan? Don't you mean "vegan"?

Gary

What, with these ears? [laughs]

Dorothy

I shouldn't have come here, but I...

Gary

I know. You needed a shoulder to cry on.

Dorothy

No. Just needed someone I could feel superior to.

Gary

[drunk] There someone here who wants to say hello!

Tony

[drunk] Hello!. Bye!.

Gary

[drunk] That was Tony!

Dorothy

How did that happen?

Gary

Give me the trousers, Dorothy!

Dorothy

Well, first there was Clive, the one they call Dances With Trousers Down. Then Dermot.

Gary

Did I tell you he's got a job at Euro Disney testing the rides?

Dorothy

You see? And now Tony.

Tony

The pub.

Gary

The Crown?

I'm Ken. The new, um.

Gary

Landlord?

Landlord.

Gary

What's happened to Les?

The brewery sacked him.

Tony

Why? He was a brilliant landlord.

He kept forgetting to open up at lunchtimes.

Gary

What exactly do lesbians do?

Tony

I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.

Gary

Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?

Tony

And one lies on top of the other one, and...

...get off again.

Gary

Brilliant.

Tony

Fantastic.

Dorothy

I've had enough. I'm turning back.

Gary

[drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?

Deborah

Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.

Gary

No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.

Tony

Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?

Gary

I think it's just fornopoly

Tony

You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.

Gary

Yep

Tony

It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.

Gary

With a big wobbly dome

Tony

Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".

Gary

Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?

Tony

No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.

Gary

[as oyster] "No we don't!"

Dorothy

We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd split up.

Gary

(still watching) Close the door quietly on your way out.

Dorothy

Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?

Gary

How do you mean "woman"?

Dorothy

A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".