[Al is fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid.]
EEnid
See, I told you I was a four.
No ma'am, fore is what you when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
EEnid
Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
I'll teel you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
EEnid
That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
May I suggest Jenny Craig.
[Peg has just given Al a gift of herself in a negligee.]
So tell me, Al, what do you really think.
Well I think you look....
ASAl's Wife-O-Meter
I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)
I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.
Me too. I hate nature shows. How much longer do we have to watch the mating habits of the sea anemone?
(camera widens out to reveal Bud and Kelly acting out said mating habits by squirming around)
Well, at least it's better than watching them act out Martin. I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying, "I gots ta have it!"
CColeman
Hi, I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?
I am. (blinks, then points): Aren't you...
CColeman
No! Don't even ask. I'm not him. I've never been him. I can't even stand the little creep. (as he walks in the Bundy house): Now, I understand you wanted to report an illegal driveway.
Yes, I did, Inspector. (points outside): That one right out there. If you look carefully, you can see that it's built nowhere near code. I know, because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes. How much is the fine?
Coleman (cheerfully): Well, since you turned yourself in, I think I'll let it go at $100.
I see, and what if I said I built it that way just to make you look like an idiot?
Coleman (slightly offended): Then that would be $1500.
And what if we called you a moron to boot?
Coleman (getting madder): $2000.
Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rnt Strokes?
Coleman (angrily): $5000! (tears off the citation and hands it to Al, who raises his hands)
Don't give it to me. It's not my driveway. It belongs to those people right next door, but they might not let you in, because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.
Coleman (glares at Al): Whatchu talkin' about, Bundy? (realizes he outed himself with his catchphrase): Aw, hell! Now I gotta fine myself!
[A fat woman named Barbara is having shoes put onto her at Gary's and both men are trying to remove it.]
BBarbara
OW! You're hurting my baby toe!
DDexter
Ma'am, there ain't a damn thing on your body that's "baby".
We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.
[Al is trying to remove a shoe off a fat woman with Dexter when Peg has called him to sing to her.]
Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Then jump off the roof, Peg.
