Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil quotes

Glass eye of St. Augustine, find the Antichrist. (eye on chain swivels and looks at Special Father #1) I knew it! It's you! You're the Antichrist!

What? What are you talking about...no.

Your weird accent and your fancy shoes with your swagger.

Pardoné. Sister. Excuse me, sister it's the poster! (poster for Tequila Sally's is next to Special Father #1) The eye isa lookin' at the poster.

Ha, ha. I knew it.

Oh my God. I am so sorry. You just carry yourself in a way that I...

What's the matter Becky, huh!? You don't like singing and fun? Everyone else here does! Okay, wet blanket!

Holy chimichanga! I'm goin' outta my man-ga!

All right now, someone from the audience will sing 'Shadows of the Night' by Pat Benatar, while DJ Jesus attempts to free himself before the song is over. And if he doesn't, he will be lowered into a pit...of vipers!

You know, I would split nachos.

I'm not supposed to eat cheese.

You're not supposed to eat cheese? Why not?

No, it's like an irritable bowel...

Fathers!

When archaeologists unearthed the Black Sea Shrimp Forks, the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco. These forks are part of the legendary Last Serving Set, and one of the few utensils in the world that can pierce the heart of the Antichrist.

(on phone) No, no, no I appre..I appreciate that you overnighted them, Your Holiness. Yes I know it's expensive. They're two thousand years old, I know, I know. What can I say, this is, this is ah, this is my fault. We went to yoga, and we had to sign up and it was a whole, it was our fault...Anyway, tomorrow, we'll make sure that someone will be here to sign for them.

According to our studies, if the people of the world masturbate just eight percent more, civilization will collapse.

We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more, but women, women can.

Yeah, especially her. Translate that.

Hello?

Lucy

Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.

Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!

Lucy

Where are you?

Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy

You have a dildo factory?

Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.

Lucy

I know Sinsperations!

You do?

Lucy

Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn' wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.

Lucy

No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...

No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.

Lucy

Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.

Bye.

Lucy

You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.

Bye, I shut my phone.

Lucy

Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

Police! Come out of there.

Lucy

Are you talking to me?

Yes... Is that a Dildo in your pocket?

Lucy

No, I'm just happy to see you.

Hey I've heard that one.

Lucy

I just need one...

Every shoplifter makes that same joke.

Lucy

This is my dad's company! I am not a shoplifter!

We want your Dad to make a dildo of me breaking the world record for holding my arms out. We're gonna auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.

I'd buy it...For my Mom! (silence) Ah. For your Mom! Woo!

For two minutes I'm inna the bathroom and the guy comes! It's not my fault!

Oh, I doubt it was two minutes. He reads US Magazine cover to cover in there!

(examining ID) I don't even know what this, what is Vatican City Special Father status?

(sighs) I am a Special Father of the Vatican, Vatican City.

You gotta passport?

This is better than a passport.

I need a passport or a US Driver's License.

(sighs) This is ridiculous. I can get in to see the Pope with this, but I can't pick up a fucking package? This is bullshit.

You know who gives these out? God gives these out. Who did your background check, asshole?

(holding up dildo) Here's to Lucy and her horrible dildo!

You know what, I don't wanna cheer with dildos.

What's the problem, that one hasn't been used.

That one has? Ughh.

Ah, this is a mountain?

It's a small mountain slash hill.

It's a mill. How would you say it?

I would probably not do it like that, I would probably say a himalountain.

Heh. Which is longer than...the whole purpose of smooshing would be to shorten the...

Is that the whole purpose, or is it to have fun?

That's the most awkward way to do it.

Wow one quarter scale diesel cog railway. Who's on board, guys? Chugga, chugga! Come on!

Chugga Chugga?

My problem is that you like to impose your opinion on how I want to do things.

What? What? No I would not.

You would do mill, I would do himalountain. The end.

I agree with you, I'm saying I agree with you.

The end.

What do you mean the end? It's not the end.

The end. You have your opinion, I have mine, so what else is there to talk about?

What is with your tongue?

I ah, found some mushrooms in the backpack and I ate them. And now I'm starting to feel a little bit...

Oh, gimme some.

They're all gone, I ate them all. Take these.

Don't eat that! Spit it! (Grabs Special Father #2 and prys open his mouth) Spit it! You! Mr. Bad Influence!

They were in the backpack.

What's wrong with you?

You don't run my life!

You're becoming a drug addict!

You're ruining Burning Man for me!