Lucy quotes from Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil

Lucy

Did you just call art stupid? Dad?

No.

Lucy

Yes you did!

Art is not stupid Lucy. I gotta go.

You're playing it pretty cool with me. Very, "get out of my face". Very "I'm not impressed with your power and money".

Lucy

You are an enormous douche bag!

Oh, I'm ordering your Tequila Sally's uniform. So what are you, a ten?

Lucy

A ten?!

Twelve?

Lucy

Oh my, oh my God, I'm a six.

Mmmm, I don't think so. I mean really? Ah, maybe I don't know women's clothing.

Lucy

I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types, because there's no universe in which I am a twelve.

Okay, Lucy. I don't want to order you a six and then you're gonna tell me, a week after I get it for you, I need a ten. Or I need a twelve.

Lucy

That's not gonna happen.

Alright, so between now and the time the six comes in, you should lose twenty pounds.

Lucy

Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?

What's that?

Lucy

Karaoke.

...I love karaoke.

Hello?

Lucy

Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.

Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!

Lucy

Where are you?

Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy

You have a dildo factory?

Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.

Lucy

I know Sinsperations!

You do?

Lucy

Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn' wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.

Lucy

No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...

No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.

Lucy

Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.

Bye.

Lucy

You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.

Bye, I shut my phone.

Lucy

Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

Police! Come out of there.

Lucy

Are you talking to me?

Yes... Is that a Dildo in your pocket?

Lucy

No, I'm just happy to see you.

Hey I've heard that one.

Lucy

I just need one...

Every shoplifter makes that same joke.

Lucy

This is my dad's company! I am not a shoplifter!

Lucy, nothing in the book is meant to be taken literally.

Lucy

But it is literal! It's about me and you, and things we've done together.

Right, but it's not meant to be taken literally.

Lucy

You changed one letter in my name.

Yes, her name is Lacy, and she's tall and thin which you are not.

Lucy

Are you trying to hurt me?

Of course not, why would I do that, I love you.

Lucy

Aww.

You are welcome.

Well, here's the deal. I don't want you to think that he's replacing you.

Lucy

I don't.

Just because he's been doing most of the stuff you're supposed to do.

Lucy

He has? Like what kinda stuff?

Like work stuff. For like, for me. Like making me proud. Which you choose not to do.

Lucy

I mean, since Terry, I've never seen more of you. You've been here like every day for like two weeks.

Well, I'm, that's because I...

Lucy

I personally think he's replacing you. I mean, didn't you used to have a job?

What? That's ridiculous, Lucy. You're just bitter that your boyfriend wrote a bestseller about you and then dumped you.

Lucy

It's an allegory. And he didn't dump me. He's just been busy with casting, and the film, and scouting locations.

See, isn't it perfect? It's so corny and stupid and inauthentic. I mean, you can't fake this!

Lucy

Hey, what are you doing back here?

Oh, I was giving Terry a tour.

Lucy

Where's Terry?

Ah, I put him in the deep fryer.

Lucy

Well, that's good timing because DJ Jesús just ordered up a veggie burger.

Lucy. Evil.

Lucy

Why do you want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?

Satan

I want to invite him to like a guy's only barbecue. I want to get to know him.

Lucy

Oh. Like a bonding kinda thing?

Satan

Yes exactly. Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed. Yell at the sky!

Lucy

All right, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.

Lucy

Um, I'm just going to a thing for my Dad. Some political thing. Boring. What are you doing?

Oh nothing, uh, just some gig, uh, a bar mitzvah. It's not an orgy.

Lucy

What? Did you just say it's not an orgy? That's so weird why would you say that? Why would you explicitly say it's not an orgy?

Uh, I'm losing you Luce.

Lucy

It's not the kind of thing that comes up every day.

No, I can't hear you, what you just said. I'm gonna call you later.

Hey, you see that lady over there? She got the Chimmy-changa, but she only ate half.

Lucy

Good to know.

She left over a lot of guacamole.

Lucy

She sure did.

Mmmm, she left over a lot. It's still warm.

Lucy

Okay.

You're nice.

Lucy

Uh, thanks?

Well, better get this stuff into the kitchen.

Lucy

Okay.

'Cause I'm gonna fuck it.

I'm going to...work on my meat.

Lucy

(tied up in the walk-in freezer) Um, what are you doing that for?

You're a little heavier than I thought.

Lucy

It's the way I'm sitting!

I tell ya, there's nothing like working from a live model.

Lucy

You know, it's not easy to sit up straight.

Yeah, but could ya?

Lucy

You encourage them!

Lucy, I'm a DJ. Having a girl sexy-dance right next to me is part of the job. It's like if I was a construction worker and you said to me: 'I don't like how there's always cement hanging around you.' Or if I was a baker, okay, and you'd be like 'What's with all the yeast?'

Lucy

I get it, I get it. Okay, how 'bout this, if you want to be with me, you can't be a ridiculous manslut, how 'bout that?

Yeah, that's fine. But I'm starting to get a little claustrophobic, so...

Lucy

What?! Claustrophobic! I give you your space, all I ask is this one thing!

No, no, no, not in the relationship, I mean, literally in this closet. It's a tiny space for two people so if we...

Lucy

How can you be claustrophobic, you're an escape artist.

All escape artists are claustrophobic, that's why we want to escape.