Sister Mary quotes from Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil

The glass eye of St. Augustine! We can find and destroy the Antichrist.

Eh, how much for this?

$7000

Hmm, that's a little steep...

Sister no...This is why I hate shopping with you two.

Glass eye of St. Augustine, find the Antichrist. (eye on chain swivels and looks at Special Father #1) I knew it! It's you! You're the Antichrist!

What? What are you talking about...no.

Your weird accent and your fancy shoes with your swagger.

Pardoné. Sister. Excuse me, sister it's the poster! (poster for Tequila Sally's is next to Special Father #1) The eye isa lookin' at the poster.

Ha, ha. I knew it.

Oh my God. I am so sorry. You just carry yourself in a way that I...

You know, I would split nachos.

I'm not supposed to eat cheese.

You're not supposed to eat cheese? Why not?

No, it's like an irritable bowel...

Fathers!

For two minutes I'm inna the bathroom and the guy comes! It's not my fault!

Oh, I doubt it was two minutes. He reads US Magazine cover to cover in there!

(examining ID) I don't even know what this, what is Vatican City Special Father status?

(sighs) I am a Special Father of the Vatican, Vatican City.

You gotta passport?

This is better than a passport.

I need a passport or a US Driver's License.

(sighs) This is ridiculous. I can get in to see the Pope with this, but I can't pick up a fucking package? This is bullshit.

You know who gives these out? God gives these out. Who did your background check, asshole?

What is with your tongue?

I ah, found some mushrooms in the backpack and I ate them. And now I'm starting to feel a little bit...

Oh, gimme some.

They're all gone, I ate them all. Take these.

Don't eat that! Spit it! (Grabs Special Father #2 and prys open his mouth) Spit it! You! Mr. Bad Influence!

They were in the backpack.

What's wrong with you?

You don't run my life!

You're becoming a drug addict!

You're ruining Burning Man for me!

Umm I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna say it. I think it's best if you don't come to book group.

Oh, is that so?

Wait, there's a book group?

Yeah, sorry I just...I don't know if you're the right for the group. Like, I think you're a great guy, but I just don't know if it like works.

Well that's funny because Sister Louisa called me last night.

Oh she did?

You guys have a book group?

Yes, she did. She's forming a new group. And she invited me to join it. And she asked me to ask you, not to come.

I see.

She was uncomfortable I think. I think you have kind of a masculine energy. Which rubs people the wrong way.

Masculine?!

Well yes, for a group like that. They're nuns but they're still women, you know so...

What do I have a penis?

Nooo, not necessarily.

I don't. Look. (lifts up skirt of habit and flashes the fathers)Looky here!

Uh, yes, okay, but how do I know that it's not taped behind?

I have not tucked a penis behind my legs!

(holding up puppy dog mask) Hey! I lika thisa one!

Nooo! It's not Trick-or-Treat. It's a very specific kind of mask

For an orgy?

(frustrated) Yes! For an orgy!

(putting on purple gorilla mask) I would wear this to an orgy.

You know what, I'da wear it to an orgy too.

No, we're going in circles. (pause) Is someone doing comedy?

These people are monsters!

Ah, you ever take a shit so big you take a photo of it?

The most deadly assassin nun the Catholic Church has ever produced. You need no introduction.

Thanks kid, but why don't you take your lips off my ass and just tell me who to kill.

Woah, woah, woah, Sister. I like your spirit, let me just give you a quickie primer, okay? First of all, as I'm sure the Special Fathers will tell you, hunting vampires...well, forget everything you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk!

Sunlight?

Oh, no, actually sunlight is real. Sunlight can kill a vampire, but...

Stakes in the heart?

Well, uh, yeah. Hold on, uh, let me give you my spiel, okay?

Garlic? Just a mild food allergy. If you want to give a vampire the runs, cook them ziti with some garlic sauce.

Good to know. Get ready to shit, vampires!

And Father Murphy, how long did he serve here?

Just a week.

They just kept sending priests.

Like staying in and ordering take-out.

Aaaahh! Do I taste good to you? Well your strange immoral blood doesn't taste good to me! You can't make me drink your androgynous yet powerful juices.

We're not trying to!

Well good, 'cause I don't want it!

Then we agree!

Yes, finally! We agree to agree.

We'll just agree to agree then. You bleed and die, we drink your blood.

No!

Less talking, more dying.

No, more talking, less dying.

Just shut up and die.

No, let's keep talking. Have you seen any movies lately?