Devil quotes from Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil

I paid for your stupid art school, didn't I? And I got you a dog. A hypo-allergenic dog, mind you, because you're allergic.

What's the matter Becky, huh!? You don't like singing and fun? Everyone else here does! Okay, wet blanket!

Lucy

Did you just call art stupid? Dad?

No.

Lucy

Yes you did!

Art is not stupid Lucy. I gotta go.

But it's funner to say letters.

Yes it is fun for you.

Do one.

Ok how's it going with the A.C.

The Air Conditioning?

See this is what I mean.

What's the A.C.?

Anti Christ!

Oh, I'm ordering your Tequila Sally's uniform. So what are you, a ten?

Lucy

A ten?!

Twelve?

Lucy

Oh my, oh my God, I'm a six.

Mmmm, I don't think so. I mean really? Ah, maybe I don't know women's clothing.

Lucy

I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types, because there's no universe in which I am a twelve.

Okay, Lucy. I don't want to order you a six and then you're gonna tell me, a week after I get it for you, I need a ten. Or I need a twelve.

Lucy

That's not gonna happen.

Alright, so between now and the time the six comes in, you should lose twenty pounds.

Lucy

Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?

What's that?

Lucy

Karaoke.

...I love karaoke.

According to our studies, if the people of the world masturbate just eight percent more, civilization will collapse.

We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more, but women, women can.

Yeah, especially her. Translate that.

Hello?

Lucy

Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.

Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!

Lucy

Where are you?

Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy

You have a dildo factory?

Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.

Lucy

I know Sinsperations!

You do?

Lucy

Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn' wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.

Lucy

No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...

No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.

Lucy

Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.

Bye.

Lucy

You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.

Bye, I shut my phone.

Lucy

Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

(holding up dildo) Here's to Lucy and her horrible dildo!

You know what, I don't wanna cheer with dildos.

What's the problem, that one hasn't been used.

That one has? Ughh.

Ah, this is a mountain?

It's a small mountain slash hill.

It's a mill. How would you say it?

I would probably not do it like that, I would probably say a himalountain.

Heh. Which is longer than...the whole purpose of smooshing would be to shorten the...

Is that the whole purpose, or is it to have fun?

That's the most awkward way to do it.

Wow one quarter scale diesel cog railway. Who's on board, guys? Chugga, chugga! Come on!

Chugga Chugga?

My problem is that you like to impose your opinion on how I want to do things.

What? What? No I would not.

You would do mill, I would do himalountain. The end.

I agree with you, I'm saying I agree with you.

The end.

What do you mean the end? It's not the end.

The end. You have your opinion, I have mine, so what else is there to talk about?

I don't know, it's just not my thing.

What, it's just what?

Well first of all, I mean, you know, these ladies are kind of old.

Not all of them. Let's go out on the patio, we'll find some baby tigers! Ariel, Brooke, Granny, Ethel, Sadie, Sonia, Navy Seal Nancy-we're goin' out on the patio. Please join us and bring some hard lemonade.

Get behind me Satan!

What? What'd you say?

I said get behind me, you and Betsy!

Becky!

I'll shield you from the sand! I've got glasses on, we can try to make it inside!

Alright, great, but don't say get behind me, I've got a thing about that.

Okay. But seriously dude, if you like these chicks, yah gotta check out Burning Man, it's like Sodom and Gomorrah. It's all glitter and body paint, no one wears clothes!

A teratoma is a tumor that grows teeth and hair. It's the most disgusting thing in the world.

Yeah.

And, I'd like to introduce you. Becky, this is Terry.

Hello Becky.

It sounds like me because it's part of me. It's my genetic material but concentrated into like a ball of teeth and hair.

Wow.

Yeah, and I have more hair.

Hey, at least I don't have a lisp.

Do I have a lisp?

Well, a little.

Shut up Satan.

This is like the worst ventriloquist act I have ever seen.

That book is a big problem.

Don't worry about it. I already posted a bad review on Amazon.com

That's not enough!