Satan quotes from Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil

Satan

I'm sorry. I'm on the South Beach diet. And it makes me a little edgy. Not to mention I have hygiene issues. When someone goes (blows raspberry) and it's not me, that's not hygienic.

Praise Satan!

(as he is dropped into a flaming pit) Aieee!

Satan

(opening door) Sorry I'm late! Holy shit it's hot in here. I brought Pinot Grigio. Where can I chill this?

(VO) Worshipers believe that a blood sacrifice secures for them their selfish desires and an audience with their dark prince.

Hey that's a great sweater.

Satan

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, it's so Cosby.

Just wanted to let you know that we're on schedule to announce my candidacy for President. Friday night! The big sacrifice at Bohemian Grove!

Satan

Ugh. Two sacrifices in one week?

Master, you have to come! I mean, this one is just like friends and family, but Friday's the real one.

Hey, uh any requests for who we should sacrifice?

Satan

I don't know. Don't you usually do that? I just show up.

Lucy

Why do you want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?

Satan

I want to invite him to like a guy's only barbecue. I want to get to know him.

Lucy

Oh. Like a bonding kinda thing?

Satan

Yes exactly. Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed. Yell at the sky!

Lucy

All right, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.

That's what you've been working on all day? Poop jokes?

Satan

Yeah. What's wrong with that? Becky, you go poop. I know you do.

Satan

Reggie, you need a hook, right? I don't just have that one joke I told you, I thought up a whole bunch about poop.

(weakly) Oh, yeah?

Satan

Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie the Poop Guy, the Shit Comedian. What's your last name?

Goldstein.

Satan

You'll be like Reggie 'I'm taking a shit' Goldstein.

Satan

We celebrate the quest for power. We desecrate with blood and fire!

Praise Satan!

Satan

But first, please put your hands together for our opening act. You've seen him on Premium Blend. Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein!

I need you to give my fuck-up son a job. It can be anything; I just need him tucked away somewhere during the campaign. He's a registered sex offender. Did you know that?

Satan

Uh, I'm not surprised. I mean look at him.

Well, I'm on the Sex Offenders' web site, so what do you want to do?

Satan

Wow, look at that. You can see them on the map?

Yeah, you haven't seen this? And look, you click on one of those dots, and it brings up his mug shot. It's like the worst online dating site in the world.

Satan

That's funny, too, Becky! You're having fun at work!

Fun?

Satan

Yes!!

Yeah, I guess...

Satan

You WERE Becky... don't take it back.

I guess. No, this is... this is fun.

Satan

Don't do that, don't itch your neck...

Satan

I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears.

Are you a therapist?

Satan

Sort of.

You know who you remind me of? Freddy Krueger.

Satan

Why?

Because of your sweater and your lumpy skin.

Satan

I don't have lumpy skin! Alright, fine. Let's just focus on you, Jesús, and your fears.

Hey, you're like Freud-y Krueger!