Amenadiel quotes from Lucifer

Amenadiel

Thanks for your help. I mean, I will admit that I was a bit skeptical of your plan, but this might actually work.

Lucifer

Yes, of course it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart--

Amenadiel

And evil. [laughs good-naturedly]

Lucifer

[a bit stunned] Evil?

Amenadiel

Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask... Well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all.

Cain

By chance, do you have any idea how annoying it is to be an immortal human being?

Amenadiel

I can't say that I do.

Cain

Oh, well, let me enlighten you. You see, first you get to watch everyone you love die, over and over. And that sucks. And on top of that, it's boring. I've been everywhere there is to go, I've tried every kind of food. Sex, music... Nothing surprises me anymore,

Amenadiel

Have you tried Game of Thrones?

Amenadiel

You wouldn't.

Cain

I killed my own brother. What makes you think I wouldn't kill some random person to finally have peace? Maybe the guy wearing the scarf indoors, no one will miss him.

Lucifer

Brother. You look like I feel.

Amenadiel

No, I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.

Lucifer

I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine. The strangest thing just happened--

Amenadiel

Linda's pregnant.

Lucifer

We'll call it a tie.

[performing an ultrasound on Linda] Okay, do you see that little protrusion right there? You're having a boy.

Amenadiel

A boy?

Maze

Better luck next time.

Amenadiel

Do you see a second protrusion anywhere? Maybe even a third?

Uh, typically, there's only one penis.

Amenadiel

Nah. I was looking for the wings.

Amenadiel

Eve. What are you doing here? Did you hurt Lucifer?

Eve

Only when he asked me nicely.

Amenadiel

After all that you've been through, Chloe, what you're worried about most is what's best for those that you care about. No wonder your dad is so proud of you.

Chloe

Oh, that's sweet, but you know, my dad, he...

Chloe

He... [realizes] Oh! Right. Thank you.

How can human women wear these torture devices? What are they called?

Amenadiel

Jeans.

Amenadiel

I have a favor to ask you. Apparently, there is a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents.

Lucifer

Are you seriously asking me, Evil incarnate, to be the child's godfather? Ha! The irony.

Amenadiel

[icy calm] I know who did this.

Lucifer

I'll drive.

Amenadiel

[considering baby names] What about the name, uh, "Zoriel"? That's a good name for a warrior. We can call him "Zori" for short. Or "Ezekiel". "Zeke".

Linda

Yeah. Um,... I was thinking about the name... "Jack".

Amenadiel

Hmm. Mm. [considers] Short for "Jackiel". [off Linda's look] We could definitely put that on the list. Right after "Azmortiel".

Dan

Amenadiel, you gotta stop playing vigilante. You can't make citizen's arrests on jaywalkers and littering.

Amenadiel

There was a sign. It was clearly forbidden.

Dan

The kid was three years old.

Lucifer

My slopey-shouldered brother is pulling a prank hardly worthy of Saved by the Bell in order to humiliate me.

Amenadiel

This isn't about you, Luci. Michael's threatened Charlie's safety.

Lucifer

Oh, please. Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.

Amenadiel

I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.

Lucifer

Let me get this straight. I just spent millennia down there diligently doing everything He asked without complaint, and you have one sleepover in Hell and Dad tells you your watch is over?

Amenadiel

Well, you know Father works in--

Lucifer

If you finish that sentence, I will punch you in your "mysterious ways."

Chloe

Why would Destiny Page (a pop singer) be calling a nun at a convent that she wants to buy?

Amenadiel

[mildly enthused] Well, her latest album was a testament to a new-found faith, and the one that she's working on now is supposed to continue in that vein.

Amenadiel

Please don't tell Lucifer.

Chloe

Your secret's safe with me.