Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Lucifer

[Showing Eve the station] Oh, that's Daniel. He's a douche again.

Eve

Oh. Shall we punish him, too?

Lucifer

Believe me, his existence is punishment enough.

Chloe

Golden gun. It's unique and it sounds familiar.

Lucifer

Yes, Roger Moore's Bond films. Perhaps our killer's Scaramanga, the man with three nipples.

Chloe

Lucifer, this is not who you are. I think Eve is a bad influence on you.

Lucifer

This has nothing to do with her. It's who I am. I punish people.

Chloe

So do I. But like I said, there is a right way and there is a wrong way.

Lucifer

And what makes you the authority on right and wrong?

Chloe

Because I'm a cop and it's the law.

Lucifer

Well, I'm the Devil! [gets angrier and more agitated] I ruled Hell. Bad people were sent to me so they could get what they deserve, and it is my job to do the same here on Earth, because when I don't.... When I don't, bad things happen.

Trixie

['interrogating' Eve] Where do you live?

Eve

Here.

Trixie

Where are you from?

Eve

Far away. I came here for Lucifer.

Trixie

Keep the commentary to yourself, lady. Have you ever been married?

Eve

Yes. It didn't work out.

Trixie

How come?

Eve

We weren't right for each other.

Trixie

What do you do for work?

Eve

I don't. Pretty much just get to be me.

Trixie

Well,... that's kinda cool. What's your favorite color?

Eve

Red, what's yours?

Trixie

I'm asking the questions.

Lucifer

Would you excuse me whilst I do something less mind-numbingly boring like, uh, color-sort my suits?

Amenadiel

I have a favor to ask you. Apparently, there is a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents.

Lucifer

Are you seriously asking me, Evil incarnate, to be the child's godfather? Ha! The irony.

Chloe

Father Kinley had been asking to see me, so I finally went. [getting nervous] He told me about... a prophecy.

Lucifer

[scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps winter is coming.

Eve

Tonight, a friend helped me realize that...[sighs] I'm great. No. You know what? I'm awesome. And... I deserve to be treated well.

Lucifer

You're right. And you are... so much more than awesome, Eve. You have a light inside you that brightens the world, and a smile so infectious that it captures the heart of anyone lucky enough to see it. And I'm sorry for the way that I've treated you lately. You don't deserve that.

Amenadiel

[icy calm] I know who did this.

Lucifer

I'll drive.

Lucifer

I can't go downstairs, Detective. Between my sunglasses, scarf and gloves, I'll look like Stevie Wonder on a snow day.

Chloe

[pulls out a full-face white porcelain Devil mask] Don't worry. I got you covered.

Chloe

Hm. You're in a good mood.

Lucifer

Well. The world will not be destroyed because I forgave myself. So I'd say that's a pretty darn good day for me and all mankind for that matter, so... you're welcome.

Chloe

[trying to be discreet] So, um... it's all... totally gone? The red skin, the devil wings. No more flare-ups?

Lucifer

It's not hemorrhoids, Detective

Lucifer

There must be something you're not telling us.

Not to speak ill of the dead, but Judy was a bit of a party pooper. We had about five books the entire time we were in there, and she managed to spoil the endings to all of them.

Chloe

[imitating Lucifer's normal interrogation style] Yeah? What'd you do, bite the head off a bat? Stab her in her sorry space ass? Huh, Shar-ron?!

Actually, that was my husband that bit the head of a bat.

Chloe

[shouting] Oh, come on! You're lying.

Lucifer

I apologize for my partner. That was very unprofessional.

It's quite all right. By the way, I never managed to thank you for all the things you did for Ozzy. From one Prince of Darkness to another, right? [laughs]

Lucifer

Yes. Well done.

Maze

How could you? After everything we've been through, Lucifer, how could you go home without me?

"Lucifer"

[in an American accent] I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer!

Maze

Lucifer told me he had a twin brother.

Michael

And you are Mazikeen. Nice to meet you. I'm Michael.

Lucifer

My slopey-shouldered brother is pulling a prank hardly worthy of Saved by the Bell in order to humiliate me.

Amenadiel

This isn't about you, Luci. Michael's threatened Charlie's safety.

Lucifer

Oh, please. Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.

Amenadiel

I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.

Lucifer

[regarding Michael] Every word that comes out of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.

Chloe

Oh, well, that's a relief, because he said something so insane, I, well, obviously knew it had to be a lie.

Lucifer

[groans] Did he claim he's friends with Elvis? 'Cause, for one, the King's still alive and I'm the only one who knows where.

[an actor playing a character 'inspired' by Lucifer] But let me tell you something. I've been doing this job for seven episodes now, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's why people kill.

Lucifer

Oh?

It's 'cause they yearn for something. You want to find the killer, figure out their yearning.

Lucifer

Right. Isn't there a better word for that?

No.