Lucifer Morningstar quotes from Lucifer

Jesus.

Lucifer

Not quite.

Ella

[explaining a reality show prop] This... is the Teflon Totem. Only one... is hidden on The Cabin per season. You find this bad boy and you are safe from elimination. Guess where I found it.

Lucifer

Well, if it keeps you safe from elimination, I'd say tucked right up in the--

Ella

Melinda's pocket! Isn't that crazy?

Secrets are part of the game. But they're part of life, too. At the end of the day, aren't we all putting on a facade?

Lucifer

I know I am. [whispers to Chloe] Pretending like these people don't stink like a pack of wildebeests. Do they actually bathe on this show?

I can hear you.

Lucifer

Can you? But can you smell me?

Chloe

So... you don't bite the heads off of children?

Lucifer

No, of course not. I detest the little creatures. And I'd certainly never put one in my mouth.

Chloe

[pressing the ax blade gently on Lucifer's bare chest] If I pushed this into your chest,... It would kill you.

Lucifer

Yes.

Chloe

Because I'm close to you.

Lucifer

Yes.

Chloe

But you jumped in front of it anyway.

Lucifer

Yes. And I would do it again. And again. Don't you know that, Detective?

You see, I'm not a normal priest.

Lucifer

[laughs] Was there ever such a thing?

I mean I'm not a normal priest in the sense that I don't have my own congregation. I am a... I'm an investigator. For the Vatican. [offers a business card]

Lucifer

Vatican investigator? Sounds like a soon-to-be-cancelled TV show.

Lucifer

Brother. You look like I feel.

Amenadiel

No, I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.

Lucifer

I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine. The strangest thing just happened--

Amenadiel

Linda's pregnant.

Lucifer

We'll call it a tie.

Chloe

I arrested Father Kinley, so you don't have to worry about him coming after you anymore.

Lucifer

I don't care that he was trying to hurt me. I care that you were.

Eve

People always forget... I didn't choose Adam. I was created for him. Turns out an arranged existence kind of takes the spark out of things. [sighs] We got along just fine, but I don't think he ever really loved me. Not the real me, you know.

Lucifer

It hurts, not being accepted for who you are.... I.. I would imagine.

Lucifer

Sorry I'm not up for more tonight.

Eve

Yeah. Where'd my fun Luce go?

Lucifer

I'm still fun. Just... caught me at a bad time is all.

Eve

I get it. Can't expect the Devil to suddenly make his life all about Eve. [both smile at the reference]

Lucifer

Hello there, I'm Lucifer. Lucifer Morning--

Yes.

Lucifer

Yes to what?

Anything.

Lucifer

[pleased] Still got it.

[on Julian McCaffrey] That millennial pervert has turned our little slice of heaven into a devil's playground!

Lucifer

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Eve

I'm not angry. I mean, I was. But then I had a lot of time to think. And I realize I used to be just like you, with Adam. I wanted Adam to love me so badly that I devoted myself to becoming something I wasn't. In order to please him. I wanted to be Adam's ideal woman. But then I realized something. I was never going to be Adam's ideal woman because, spoiler alert, I'm not Lilith. I'm me. Yeah, I spent so much time trying to be whatever Adam wanted me to be that I never once stopped to think what I wanted, who I'd been all along. Guess who helped me figure that out?

Lucifer

If it's not me, then this is a terrible story.

Dan

[irate] Seriously? For all we know, someone could've put it in there at one of your latest sex parties.

Lucifer

Have you ever been to a sex party, Daniel? We don't pass notes to each other.

Chloe

This isn't gonna work.

Lucifer

No, I agree. A gingham pocket square can be a bit aggressive, but I'm feeling it.