Mayan Lopez quotes from Lopez vs Lopez

Mayan Lopez

Grandma Elsa. I thought she was dead!

Mayan Lopez

Pregnancy test? You don't know how they work, did you?

Mayan Lopez

My mom is gonna kill us, again.

George Lopez

Oh, my God! Why are you shaking your nalgas for the whole world to see?

Mayan Lopez

I'm connecting with other women who have daddy issues.

George Lopez

Oh, I'm sure you'll connect with some daddies on there too.

George Lopez

No domestic beer for you, Oscar. My best friend deserves only the best imported.

Thanks, man. Hey, you know what would be even better, though?

George Lopez

If we were high.

How'd you know I was gonna say that?

George Lopez

'Cause you said the same thing this morning, then we got high.

Hey, take it easy. Some of us are high.

Mayan Lopez

Sorry, there's an entitled white lady at work.

Just one?

George Lopez

One is all you need to ground a Delta flight.

Mayan Lopez

She treats us all like crap.

George Lopez

Sounds like you need to show her the Lopez way.

Mayan Lopez

Please, don't start.

George Lopez

It's a foolproof method. It's even how your mom and I fell in love. On our first date, we made the waiter cry.

Mayan Lopez

That's not something to be proud of.

Mayan Lopez

Freaking bitches! (breathing heavily)

George Lopez

Wow!

Mayan Lopez

Oh, man. I didn't know I had that in me. I guess I got that from you.

George Lopez

You didn't get that throwing the hammer down thing from me. You got it from your mom. Ta loca. I'm scared of you. Put that in the truck.

Mayan Lopez

How do you have a 5-star Yelp rating?

George Lopez

If you give Oscar enough Adderall, he can write a lot of reviews. Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?

Mayan Lopez

Are those guys new hires? I don't recognize them.

Mayan Lopez

They're both so fluent in Spanish. It reminds me of "me". But they speak English, too, right?

George Lopez

No, the only thing they know in English is "It wasn't me!".

George Lopez

It has a motor, fool. Where'd you even blow into?

Mayan Lopez

Before you start blowing anything up, we should check with Chance to see if this is what he really wants. I'm sure he wants a bug party. Like, he's so excited that he started his own bug collection, and now I have to burn his sheets.

George Lopez

Oh, those ants are my fault. I keep hot dogs under the bed. Why do you think I'm never hung over?

Mayan Lopez

Chance!

I've got a bounce house! This party's about to be lit!

Mayan Lopez

But what about the bugs?!

They're dead! They'll still be dead next week!

George Lopez

Guess he's okay with it. Wanna see a live chicken? Say hello to Hennifer Lopez!

Whoa!

George Lopez

Don't get too attached.

George Lopez

Oh, that must be the rest of our guests.

Mayan Lopez

What are you talking about?

George Lopez

Well, Rosie doesn't feel like it's a real Latino Christmas unless there's at least 10 family members.

George Lopez

'Course I do. I'm Latino. I believe in ghosts, Raider Nation, and that Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer. You don't?

Mayan Lopez

Quentin's a nonbeliever.

George Lopez

So now we're short a player for our fantasy baseball league. I swear, some people only think of themselves!

Mayan Lopez

But what about Quinten? He likes sports and he never thinks about himself.

George Lopez

This is fantasy baseball, Mayan, and none of my fantasies include Quinten.

Mayan Lopez

Gonna meet the new neighbors. I made them guacamole using avocados from their tree that hangs over our fence.

George Lopez

I'd love to go.

Mayan Lopez

Oh, you wanna welcome them to the neighborhood too?

George Lopez

Yeah, I'd like to welcome them to leave.

George Lopez

Okay. Listen, that's not fair.

Mayan Lopez

Hey, it's payback for all the times that you partied instead of being a responsible parent when I was a kid.

George Lopez

Damn, actually that is fair.