Mayan Lopez quotes from Lopez vs Lopez

Quick, it's an emergency!

Mayan Lopez

Oh, my God! What's wrong with Churro?

She ate my beer money.

S1 E16 Lopez vs Cheating

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[first lines]

Mayan Lopez

How's Churro looking, Dr. Pocha? Does she have a hearing problem, or is she a mean girl playing mind games?

PDr. Pocha

Let's test it out with a basic canine auditory assessment. Hey, Churro, can you hear me? Kidding. I did a cochlear exam earlier, and Churro has hearing loss because she's an old woman.

S1 E17 Lopez vs Dog Quinces

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Mayan Lopez

Great, so you 2 are gonna work together on music and decorations. I want a female mariachi band who know Rihanna's entire catalog off book.

They have female mariachis? What do their grito sound like? "Ayyy, put that toilet seat down!".

S1 E17 Lopez vs Dog Quinces

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[first lines]

Mayan Lopez

Dad, you're getting cheese on my couch. And I can't flip the cushion over because you got chili on the other side.

It's not my fault you keep your cushions where I keep my chili. Don't worry. I'll clean it.

S1 E18 Lopez vs Goosey

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All Latino kids drink it. My mom's breast milk went straight into my coffee. Didn't stunt my growth.

It's true. His head is still growing.

(on the phone) Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'? It's been a long time, huh? It's good to hear from you, man. Yeah, we need to get a beer. All right, later. (high-pitched voice) Bye.

Mayan Lopez

Who was that?

Um, Verizon.

He always uses phone companies when he's lying. He used to get a ton of calls from a hoochie named Pacific Bell.

It's just, uh, Don Patino.

S1 E19 Lopez vs The Godfather

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Come on, Mayan, talk to me.

Mayan Lopez

Not right now. I'm pretending these moles are your head.

I just thought once you saw Don that you'd remember the good times.

Mayan Lopez

No. I remember what he does to you. The old Dad I couldn't rely on comes back when Don's around. I mean, he's been here one day and you've already lied to me. Mom and I want nothing to do with him.

Look what your godfather got me. I feel like a cartel leader's wife.

Mayan Lopez

Are you really forgiving Don just because he bought you a coat that makes you look like Mary J. Blige?

I haven't necessarily forgiven him, but a fur coat is a good start. I'm gonna go see what this looks like in front of the fun mirrors.

See? Don's a good guy, Mayan, and he's missed you. Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan?

Mayan Lopez

A strain of weed?

No, but side hustle. He named his racehorse after you.

Mayan Lopez

A horse is supposed to make up for ripping my family apart?

Yes. It's a thoroughbred, Mayan. It was thoroughly bred. But listen, I know you blame Don for everything that I did wrong, but I make my own bad decisions. So if you're be mad at somebody, be mad at me.

Mayan Lopez

I am mad at you!

Why? What did I do?

S1 E19 Lopez vs The Godfather

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You don't have to remind me. I don't know what the hell that is.

Mayan Lopez

It means following through with something, even when it's hard.

S1 E20 Lopez vs Corte Caliente

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Mayan Lopez

No one would even touch these after Natalia said, "I don't eat meat wrapped in meat.".

That's crazy. The outside meat enhances the flavor of the inside meat.

S1 E21 Lopez vs Bucket Crabs

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[Chance Lopez is shown wearing a George Lopez costume.]

Orale! I'm George Lopez! Oh, my God.

Mayan Lopez

Chance, what are you doing?

Practicing for my hero presentation. Let me tell you about a day in the life of a hero like me. I wake up at 7 and crack open a beer. Then I notice I have a cool, new bruise. Whoa! Where did that come from? And then I shrug and go back to sleep, because thinking is hard.

[Chance Lopez sleeps on the couch, then he wakes up.]

Uh-oh! It's noon. Time to cough in the bathroom for 10 minutes, then have another beer for lunch.

That really how you see me, Gordo?

Yeah, you're a cool 85-year-old who does what he wants. You are my hero.

No, I'm not, Gordo. A hero sets a better example for a kid.