Have you all gone stark staring mad? What do you think you’re doing?
Well, we’re just having a laugh.
A laugh, and that’s funny, is it? Taking some of the finest young minds in the country and setting them to work on strategies for throwing flour around the kitchen.
Look. Just chill out a bit, mate. I mean what is your problem? They were just having a bit of fun for once. That’s what kids do.
Fun. You call that fun. Throwing paint in each other’s hair. What’s the point in that?
TinaThere isn’t one?
I think you should all leave now, before you do any more damage.
Damage? Professor Beazley, did you see those kids’ faces? They were happy. They were really happy and why was that? Because for the first time in their entire life, they were, they were having fun. They were being kids. They were being funny, clever, inquisitive, smelly, messy kids. Now, do you understand what we’re trying to say here or do you want it in Latin first?
Tina
Come on. Let’s go.
Nice one. You’re almost forgiven. (kissing Paul’s cheek)
Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.
Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.
Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?
Tina
They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands, millions of them, all with the same dream.
Cor! That’s a lot of competition!
Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.
Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right town?
Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.
So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.
So what about the next one?
Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!
Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.
Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!
Tina
Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.
So, let’s get up and let’s get going.
I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.
You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.
Joni said we could all stay here.
Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.
Tina
Fantastic!
Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.
Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.
Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.
Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.
AAll
Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!
Mmm. Pretty good…for an amateur.
I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy De Witt.
Tina
Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.
Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.
Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.
So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?
TDTommy De Witt
Actually, that was my stunt double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my fencing double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my body double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?
TDTommy De Witt
And I am speechless. You wanna go out?
Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Tina.
Tina
Hi.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Rachel.
Yeah. (falls on the floor)
Aha! All right. Um, time to go.
Tina
Jo, give the girl some privacy.
You’re right. Like you’re not interested whether Hannah gets a snug off Tommy De Witt or not.
Tina
She’s getting out the car.
He’s walking out to the door.
Tina
Their heads are getting closer and closer.
Leave impact in 3 seconds.
Tina
Two.
Thanks. I had a great night.
TTommy
I know you did, baby.
And Hollywood is also the world capital of romance: Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Jean-Claude Van Damme and himself.
I can’t believe it. Hannah’s falling in love with Tommy De Witt.
Tina
It’s not fair. I loved Tommy De Witt when Hannah thought he had all the charm and Charisma of a timber door frame. Now, she’s the one getting all the face friction.
JTJo and Tina
It’s not fair.
Tina
We need to get out more.
Still, it could be worse. We could be Paul.
Oh, look! Surfing Championships this weekend. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
You think you maybe, we could ask if we can perform at the closing party.
Oh, oh! That’s exactly what we were thinking.
Well. Come on. Let’s go and ask them.
Uh. Why don’t you go, Rach?
Tina
Yeah. You’re really good at that sort of thing.
Tina
Hi.
Tina
No.
Tina
Yes, we are.
MMiggy
It’s great! I’m Miggy and that’s Ziggy.
Tina
Cool!
I’m Higgy and that’s…Tiggy!
ZZiggy
You don’t look like surfers.
Oh, we are, we are. Um, these clothes. They’re not ours.
MMiggy
Why are you wearing them then?
Because we were surfing and there was this massive wave and it just sucked all our clothes off.
Tina
So, uh, yeah, we bought these.
ZZiggy
Wow! That must have been in some wave.
Tina
Um, we better go.
MMiggy
Okay, well, we’ll be here the same time tomorrow. Maybe see you then.
Tina
So drear!
Finally, at last! Something is actually happening!
I know! This gig could be really good for us.
So, what song should we sing, guys?
I don’t know. What do you reckon, Jo? Jo!
(waking up) Hmm? What? Who? Sorry, I’m a bit tired. Paul kept me awake all night last night snoring.
Tina
He does a lot of things he never used to do.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Must have been a very nerdy cat.
What happened to you, bro?
Did you mislay your fashion sense?
No. Linda said that I didn’t look nice in my other clothes and I look better like this.
Paul, you don’t have to do anything she tells you.
You’re allowed an opinion, you know.
I know, and I’ve got one.
Tina
Which is?
Which is Linda’s right. I look much nicer like this.
Fancy changing a whole image just for the sake of a date.
Tina
Pathetic.
Oh, crikey, Teen! We better go and change our image for our date tomorrow.
Tina
Quick!
Grubs up. (giving Jo a burger) Burger for you. (giving Hannah a burger) Burger for you. (giving Tina a burger) Burger for you. (trying to give Paul a burger but he doesn’t) And burger for you.
You don’t like playing cards. You don’t like fast food. You don’t like normal clothes.
Is there anything you do like doing?
Tina
According to Linda?
Yes. I like reading the newspaper and having serious political discussions.
Fascinating. I’m off to bed.
Tina
Me too.
Me too. Apparently, I like having an early night.
You know what? I…was…wrong.
Yes. You should stick with them.
Thanks. I mean so much to me.
ZZiggy
Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.
Tina
You know what? We’ve changed some minds too.
Tina
No. They’re not cool.
Oh, yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Teen? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.
So, what should you do now then?
(hugging Jo) Jo, you just so rock and roll. Mmm?
Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.
JRJo, Rachel and Tina
Aw.
PJPaul, Jon and Bradley
(sigh)
So why are you still with him?
Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.
You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?
Has it ever actually happened to you?
I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.
My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.
Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.
Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.
Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.
(to Jon) Well, you would.
I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?
Tina
No.
What’s the matter with him?
Tina
Come on. Let’s go.
He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?
Yeah, but what is the point?
There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.
All right. One proper gig.
Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.
Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.
Tina
We’re not going to do that.
Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?
You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.
I’m happy to help you with that.
Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.
Really? Was it love at first sight?
No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.
But, what if I never see her again?
Tina
You will.
But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.
Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.
I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.
Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.
You was in Charlie’s Angels?
There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.
Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.
Tina
So who was your agent?
Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
