Rachel quotes from L.A. 7

Jon

(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo

Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon

No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley

What does it mean?

Tina

Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley

I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

Tina

I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?

Bradley

Where are the tents?

Jo

Or the shower blocks?

Hannah

Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.

Tina

Or the cheese.

Paul

Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.

Bradley

I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.

Tina

It looks more like a university than a kids camp.

Jo

This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.

Paul

No, no, no. Of course not.

Tina

You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?

Paul

Yeah, like I would.

Jon

Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.

Bradley

Or they guy dog.

Hannah

I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.

Paul

No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.

Rachel

Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.

Paul

Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.

Rachel

Didn’t I say “I love weird?”

Jo

Where is everybody?

In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.

Bradley

Lectures?

Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.

Hannah

Oh, biology. Nice!

No. Astrophysics.

Hannah

Of course! Astrophysics.

Rachel

Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.

Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.

Welcome to clever camp.

Bradley

Oh, right. What?

Jo

Okay. Soak him.

Paul

All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.

Tina

Yeah, but Oxford?

Paul

All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.

Rachel

Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.

Paul

Did I say that would graduate it?

Jon

Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!

Hannah

Forget soaking. Drowning!

Paul

Look, look. I can explain!

Bradley

Go on then. Explain.

Paul

You’re right. I can’t.

Jon

Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.

Tina

Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.

Paul

Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina

On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

Hannah

Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.

Jo

Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.

Jon

Yeah, or phone your friend.

Hannah

Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?

Jo

What?

Hannah

It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beazley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.

Jo

She’s right.

Rachel

Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.

Jon

Hmm. How are we gonna do that?

Rachel

Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.

Hannah

And here it comes!

Bradley

What?

Bradley

Wow, look at that!

Jon

Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.

Hannah

Tinseltown!

Jo

Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.

Rachel

Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?

Tina

They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands, millions of them, all with the same dream.

Hannah

Cor! That’s a lot of competition!

Rachel

Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.

Jo

That’s New York, Rach.

Rachel

Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right town?

Bradley

Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.

Paul

So does this look cheap enough?

Jo

Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog zone and rent out a kennel for the night.

Jon

Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.

Bradley

Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.

Rachel

Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

Joni

So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.

Bradley

So what about the next one?

Joni

Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!

Bradley

Good!

Joni

Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.

Bradley

What a shame.

Joni

Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!

Hi!

Tina

Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.

Bradley

Oh, wicked!

Paul

So, let’s get up and let’s get going.

Joni

I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.

Jon

You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.

Bradley

Joni said we could all stay here.

Really?

Joni

Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.

Tina

Fantastic!

Paul

That is brilliant.

Jon

Oh, are you okay?

Bradley

Yeah.

Rachel

Take it easy.

Bradley

I think I’ll be fine.

Rachel

Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.

Jon

Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.

Rachel

Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.

Joni

Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.

Rachel

Yeah, cool!

Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!

Rachel

See you.

Ooh, oh-oh

Loving you is not just luck or illusion

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

We got the answers, but there’s no explanation (no explanation)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

Joni

You know, that’s the S Club 7. They’re living in one of my apartments.

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Hannah

How’s your makeup?

Rachel

Mmm. Pretty good…for an amateur.

Hannah

Hmm.

Rachel

I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy De Witt.

Tina

Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.

Hannah

Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.

Jo

Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.

Rachel

That’s the one.

Hannah

Yeah.

Paul

So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?

Actually, that was my stunt double.

Oh.

Jon

How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?

That was my fencing double.

Oh.

Paul

What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?

That was my body double.

Oh.

Bradley

Tommy.

Yeah.

Bradley

Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?

Hannah

Hi. I’m Hannah.

And I am speechless. You wanna go out?

Hannah

Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.

Hi, Tina.

Tina

Hi.

Hi, Rachel.

Rachel

Hi.

Hi, Jo.

Jo

Yeah. (falls on the floor)

Hannah

Aha! All right. Um, time to go.

Jo

She’s back out the car.

Tina

Jo, give the girl some privacy.

Jo

You’re right. Like you’re not interested whether Hannah gets a snug off Tommy De Witt or not.

Rachel

Of course we’re not.

Tina

She’s getting out the car.

Rachel

He’s getting out.

Jo

He’s walking out to the door.

Tina

Their heads are getting closer and closer.

Jo

Oh. Snuggle her.

Rachel

Leave impact in 3 seconds.

Tina

Two.

Rachel

One.

Hannah

Thanks. I had a great night.

I know you did, baby.

Rachel

Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni

Ooh, that makes two of us. (referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel

Hmm… Tin cans.

Jo

Washing machines.

Tina

And that’s about it.

Paul

Hi.

Joni

Hi. Well, let’s party.

Rachel

Oh, look! Surfing Championships this weekend. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Yeah.

Rachel

You think you maybe, we could ask if we can perform at the closing party.

Hannah

Oh, oh! That’s exactly what we were thinking.

Rachel

Well. Come on. Let’s go and ask them.

Hannah

Uh. Why don’t you go, Rach?

Tina

Yeah. You’re really good at that sort of thing.

Rachel

Oh. Okay.

Great!

Hannah

Ooh!

Tina

Hi.

Hi.

Are you surfers?

Tina

No.

Hannah

Yes! Yes, we are.

Tina

Yes, we are.

Hannah

Dudes.

It’s great! I’m Miggy and that’s Ziggy.

Tina

Cool!

Hannah

I’m Higgy and that’s…Tiggy!

You don’t look like surfers.

Hannah

Oh, we are, we are. Um, these clothes. They’re not ours.

Why are you wearing them then?

Hannah

Because we were surfing and there was this massive wave and it just sucked all our clothes off.

Tina

So, uh, yeah, we bought these.

Wow! That must have been in some wave.

Hannah

Yeah! It was huge!

Rachel

(Off-screen) Han, Teen!

Tina

Um, we better go.

Okay, well, we’ll be here the same time tomorrow. Maybe see you then.

Hannah

Come on.

Rachel

We’ve got the gig!

Hannah

Oh, nice one! Well done!

Tina

So drear!

Jon

That’s brilliant news.

Bradley

Finally, at last! Something is actually happening!

Rachel

I know! This gig could be really good for us.

Bradley

So, what song should we sing, guys?

Hannah

I don’t know. What do you reckon, Jo? Jo!

Jo

(waking up) Hmm? What? Who? Sorry, I’m a bit tired. Paul kept me awake all night last night snoring.

Hannah

He never used to snore.

Jo

Yeah, well, he does now.

Tina

He does a lot of things he never used to do.

Jon

Speaking of which.

Jo

Look what the cat dragged in.

Hannah

Must have been a very nerdy cat.

Bradley

What happened to you, bro?

Rachel

Did you mislay your fashion sense?

Paul

No. Linda said that I didn’t look nice in my other clothes and I look better like this.

Hannah

Paul, you don’t have to do anything she tells you.

Paul

I don’t.

You do!

Jo

You’re allowed an opinion, you know.

Paul

I know, and I’ve got one.

Tina

Which is?

Paul

Which is Linda’s right. I look much nicer like this.

Hannah

Fancy changing a whole image just for the sake of a date.

Tina

Pathetic.

Hannah

Oh, crikey, Teen! We better go and change our image for our date tomorrow.

Tina

Quick!

Hannah

Let’s go!

Paul

Kids.

Jon

Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.

Rachel

Do you see the difference?

Paul

No. Because Linda’s right about everything.

Bradley

I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.

Rachel

Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.

You know what? I…was…wrong.

Jon

As if…

Rachel

It’s a miracle.

Paul

Do you really mean that?

Yes. You should stick with them.

Paul

Thanks. I mean so much to me.

Hey, Higgy.

Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.

Tina

You know what? We’ve changed some minds too.

Hannah

Yeah, we’re not cool.

Tina

No. They’re not cool.

Hannah

Oh, yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Teen? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.

Paul

So, what should you do now then?

Jo

Sleep.

Jon

(hugging Jo) Jo, you just so rock and roll. Mmm?