I think they got caught behind.
Look, this is stupid. We keep running out and our landlady every time wrenched you.
PaulYou’re right.
We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.
Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.
Paul
You’re right.
Paul
ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.
Heh. Why not? (chuckles and eats the camera)
So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.
Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.
Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.
No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.
Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?
Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.
Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.
That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)
Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!
Paul
Yeah.
So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?
Do I have to wear that on my head?
No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.
Brad, you have to be a policeman.
Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?
Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.
Paul
Any other questions, guys?
Paul
(clears throats) Detective, do we have a lead on these bank robbers?
Mm-hmm. Seems that they were 2 women.
Paul
How do you know?
Because witnesses said that they saw 2 women robbing the bank so we figured that the robbers were 2 women.
Paul
Nice work, Detective. Nice work.
We found a stick of a low-calorie gum at the scene so I guess that one of them is on a diet.
Paul
Hmm. That reminds me. Lunch. I want Detective Lee and Detective McIntosh working on this case.
But, but they don’t get home with each other, chief.
Paul
Not my problem, Detective. (eating donut)
Paul
Go!
That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!
You’re going down for 3 to 5!
Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)
Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.
Paul
Well, we have got some more take left.
So, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?
Paul
Okay.
No. You really hurt my arm.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.
So, where should we go tonight then?
Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.
Paul
You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.
Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?
Paul
No.
Paul
I’m skint too.
What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.
Paul
No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.
Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?
Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?
Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.
Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?
No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.
Great. So where are we going?
Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.
Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…
You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.
No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.
Paul
Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.
Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.
I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.
Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.
So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.
Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.
No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?
We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.
What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?
Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.
Paul
Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.
So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?
Paul
(bumping into Jo) Ooh!
The lights have come out.
Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.
Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.
Your hair always looks like straw.
Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.
Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!
Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.
Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.
What is going on down here?
Paul
We’ve burned the lights.
Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.
I have a strange feeling. She will find out.
Paul
I can’t even see to sit down.
Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.
Paul
Thank you.
Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.
What’s that noise coming from outside?
1N1st Neighbor
What’s going on? My lights have blown!
2N2nd Neighbor
So are mine.
Paul
I’m really sorry, but I think… I think it was us that blew the lights.
2N2nd Neighbor
Oh, great. It was the Brits.
1N1st Neighbor
Oh! I might have known.
2N2nd Neighbor
Well, let’s gang up on them. Throw them out.
1N1st Neighbor
Yeah. We did it in 1776 and we can do it again.
Hold on. You just wait a minute. If it’s our fault, we’ll fix it. Alright?
See? Wally will repair it! Everybody knows Wally. Wally’s a qualified electrician. You are qualified, aren’t you, Wal?
Paul
So, Wally will repair it and there’ll be no need to tell Joni that we blew out her entire building. Deal?
2N2nd Neighbor
All right.
Well, I’m glad to see it’s all been sorted out.
WWally
Uh, not really. We haven’t worked out my fee.
Oh, yes. Your fee. Okay, Wally, come on. Give us a wall park figure.
WWally
Well, rewiring an entire building, replacing dozens of junction boxes, scores of power points. It’s a big job. It’s a very big job. I’d say conservative estimate. 90,000,000.
Paul
Where are we gonna get $200 from?
Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find it down the back of the cinema seat, that’s for sure.
All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.
Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?
There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.
No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.
Guys, we could easily raise this money if we can all just keep our jobs for one more week.
I can’t believe I got fired.
Paul
Fired? But you only got the job 3 days ago.
Mmm. I know. But it doesn’t matter, because I got a new job. Yeah. You know you are now looking at… (He shows them a green suit) Bradley McIntosh valet.
You mean polishing silvers and ironing newspapers and stuff?
No. Not that kind of valet. I’m the kind of valet who parks cars and I’m working at the new cafe goffi down at Santa Monica Boulevard.
Paul
So, why did the cinema fire you?
Over conduct oncoming an aser. Can you believe they stripped me on my blazer and my torch in front of all the other rushes and everything?
I told you to stop snogging Donna the projectionist, you muffin.
Yeah, but it wasn’t the snogging. They objected to me. It was the fact, it made Donna put the rose on in the wrong order. But mind you, it’s the first time Titanic’s about the happy ending. (giggles)
Come on! Hurry up, otherwise we’ll be late for Joni’s exhibits.
Yeah, and we’re due at the cloaked Avenger’s wedding at 3pm. Can’t wait see what the cloaked wedding dress looks like.
I can’t believe Joni’s got the nerve to try and sell her paintings. Already, I mean she’s only been going to that art class for 2 weeks.
Yeah, I can’t believe we’re not DJs anymore. I don’t understand it. Every day at 2 o’clock Jerry would go off and be gone for at least an hour. Why did he have to come back at five past?
Yeah. Well, we’ll never know, will we? Best not to think about it.
Paul
Well, the main thing is that we raised the $200 and Wally repaired the building and Joni’s none the wiser.
Hmm. It has the certain naive charm. A primitive appeal that evokes cubism surrealism, and yet, remains defiantly…
A picture of Brad holding a dog over his.
This is so embarrassing, I mean, who’s gonna buy this, huh?
Paul
Well, according to the ticket, it’s already been sold.
Paul
For $1,000.
Man’s Best Friend. You know, this was the first one to sell. I was gonna spend the money today on rewiring our building because, well, it was a bit of a death trap, but then when I came and looked this morning, I found that somebody had already rewired it. So I think I’m gonna spend all the money on myself. Oh. Gotta go.
Who the heck will pay $1,000 for a picture like that?
Come on, Tina. Look. Look. It’s obvious.
Hey! My mum’s just bought my dad a new extension lead for a strimmer. Now he can really get stuck into that scruffy bit of more grass behind the shed. Isn’t that
Paul
Wow. Epic.
WOWoman on TV
I don’t know who to dress.
I think we’re getting into a rut here. I mean we’ve been in L.A. for months now and nothing seems to be happening for us.
Yeah. I think we need a change.
Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!
Paul
I thought she was in an assertiveness workshop!
I’m sorry, but that woman needs assertiveness like the desert needs sand.
Look at this place! It’s a tip!
Gosh, she’s gonna kill us!
Yeah, do you remember the last time she saw this place in a mess?
This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.
Paul
I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!
Erm. How was the assertiveness course?
Hmm? What course? All that. No. I didn’t go, didn’t go, I couldn’t. Not since I tried meditating while driving and, oops, ran my car into the ditch.
Car was the total right off. So, place is looking good, by the way.
Paul
Are you alright? You’re not injured. Anything not.
Especially like in the brain.
Oh, no. I’m okay. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been more okay and all my life. Especially since I met the tow truck guy. Yep, loves me a truck.
Okay, Joni. What’s his name? What does he do and where does he come from?
His name is Jim who lives in Arizona and he doesn’t just drive a tow truck. He raises snakes for the movies.
And that’s not all. We’re getting married!
Yeah. Isn’t that great? Jim Bob and I were so in love. We’re just gonna sell up and start at this snake ranch in Tucson.
Sell up? You can’t do that. What’s gonna happen to us?
Don’t be selfish, Bradley. Congratulations. It’s amazing here.
What is gonna happen to us now?
I think we should give it one more try.
Yeah, okay. We should just go straight up to our so-called agent and say “Amish. Either things starts to happen.” or “We’re outta there.”
Paul
And then they’ll be begging us to stay.
TRTina, Rachel, Bradley and Hannah
Yeah.
Okay, so I’ll call him and see if he’ll meet us at the cafe.
No. Don’t go. I’m begging you. What do you want? Just-Just tell me. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay. Please. (finishing his conversation on his phone) Roffers. He’ll wait 6 months for him to show up and then the first great offer that comes along. They-They drop you faster than a pooper-scooper with a hole in it. Say you don’t happen to know anything about guttering, do you, Jo?
Anyway, enough about my problems. What about yours?
You do not want to hear about our problems, Mr. Walters.
Hey, sure. I do your problems or my problems, unless they have to do with a dry skin conditioner. In that case, you’re on your own.
Paul
Well, we did have one question for you.
And for once, we’d like to hear an honest answer.
Hey. Hit me with it. Honesty is my middle name.
So, are we ever gonna make it here in L.A.?
And if so, what are you gonna do about it right now to make sure it happens?
It’s difficult, it’s very difficult.
Paul
And your final answer is…
I don’t know. I think I’m gonna have to get a regular builder to do the guttering.
I hate… Look, I’m sending your tape to a big producer friend of mine. I’m sure he’s gonna love it.
Is he really any chance related to that other big producer you were talking about last time?
Hey, hey, hey. No, no. This guy is straight up, honest. He’s a head honcho at Polymer Records. He’s a big big friend of mine.
It’s been nice not working with you.
So this is it. The last day ever in our L.A. apartment which, to be honest, is actually quite sad.
Well, it’s sad. It’s happy at the same time. It’s like… It’s like when it’s raining and the sun comes out at the same time.
Paul
It’s quite poetic for you, Jo. Very impressed.
And this is the living room. There’s been a lot of happy memories here.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
