Paul quotes from L.A. 7

Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

Paul

With extra everything?

Uh-huh.

Paul

Thanks.

Enjoy your meal.

Paul

Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

Jon

So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

Rachel

But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

Jo

That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

Paul

(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Jon

Yeah, of extinction.

Paul

No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

Jon

No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

Bradley

No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Jon

Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

Bradley

It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…

Jon

That sounds really boring.

Paul

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Jo

Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

Paul

It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Rachel

Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Jon

Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.

Rachel

What are you trying to say?

Jon

Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?

Jon

Ryan.

Ryan?

Paul

It is the night before Jon’s day of reckoning. You could even call it the eve of reckoning, and Jon is… What are you doing, Jon?

Jon

I’m making out my will while I still have arm to write with. Do you want my Olivia Newton John CDs?

Paul

The pressure of the coming day has clearly driven Jon insane.

Bradley

Jon, you can do it, bro. You’ve been trained by the best.

Paul

That’s funny. I thought you trained him.

Bradley

Shut up! You can do it, Jon. Just repeat after me. I will demolish Ryan!

Jon

I will demolish Ryan! I will! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Jon

Yeah!

Bradley

Good attitude! Now, if you don’t make it however, could I have your CD player?

Jon

Guys, I’ve got to win this competition. If I don’t, I’m gonna be the laughingstock of Venice Beach. I won’t be able to walk down the street without someone laughing or pointing and saying “Hey, look. There goes the guy with a weak arm.”

Paul

(closes the camera) At least you’ll be famous for something.

After our match, be sure and join us on the beach for our winners’ protein drink party and you’re all invited. Now, without further ado, please welcome our sixth time Southern California armed wrestling champion, Ryan Sinclair!

Hannah

(calling out loud to him)

Paul

Hi, Mr. Sinclair. I’m your director for today. I’m just gonna go around, take a few shots of making a short documentary about one man’s fight for truth and justice.

Ryan

Cool. Can you get me from my right side? It’s…my better angle.

Paul

Okay. (He goes onto Ryan’s right side) Yeah! Getting a real Tom Cruise vibe from this side.

Ryan

Yeah, a lot of people have said that.

And now, let’s, uh, welcome our contender the limey with the funny haircut, Jon. Somebody or other.

Jo

Go, Jon, GO!

Rachel

Destroy him!

Hannah

Go on, sexy!

Defence, be seated.

Ryan

Jon, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.

Jon

I seriously doubt that. (He puts his hand on Ryan’s hand)

Let the battle commence!

Jon

(panting)

Ryan

Hey, is he getting a close-up?

Paul

Maybe.

Ryan

Well, if he gets one, I want one too. Get that camera back over with.

Paul

Yes, sir.

Ryan

Hey, is it a big close-up?

Paul

It’s pretty big.

Ryan

Get it closer. Come on! Get my face on that screen. Closer!

Paul

But…

Ryan

Closer!

Paul

But!

Ryan

Closer… (Paul hits his eye) Ow!

Paul

I can’t see through the viewfinder like this. It’s really small.

Jon

Yay! Yes! I won! Yes! Come one! (Girls come to Jon) Who wants a piece of me?!

Ryan

I do.

Jon

You’ve had your chance. Yes!

Ryan

Tina, hi.

Tina

Ryan. Ryan! Are you okay?

Ryan

Doctors say I only have 24 hours to live. I wanted to spend them with you.

Tina

Oh my gosh! You’re joking on it.

Ryan

Yeah, I am.

Tina

I’m sorry about the camera and Jon’s lap of honor. Why are you in so much pain?

Ryan

Hey, I’m glad that happened this way. Because now we can go out together if you still want to. Do you?

Tina

Guess. But right now, I’ve got a class to teach. (to everyone) Okay. Places, everybody.

When the world leaves you feeling blue

We’ve got to all stick together

Reach for the stars

Don’t believe in all that you’ve been told

I said reach

Reach for the stars

Reach for the stars

Reach for the stars

Jo

(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.

Hannah

Yeah, Paul.

Paul

Yeah, Bradley.

Bradley

Yeah, Joanne.

Jo

I’m not doing it. I always do it.

Paul

Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?

Hannah

Yeah, okay.

Jo

Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.

Hannah

It’s Paul’s turn!

Paul

No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!

Hannah

It was my turn last week.

Paul

Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.

Hannah

Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!

Rachel

I didn’t get a job.

Tina

Nor did I.

Bradley

What’s up with him?

Jo

Must be his pose playing up again.

Jon

Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.

Jo

What does the exotic dancer?

Jon

No. As a model.

Bradley

Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.

Jon

I did.

Bradley

You?

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.

Bradley

Must have very hidden.

Jo

Oh, don’t be nasty.

Paul

So who are you modelling for?

Jon

Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.

Rachel

Oh, well done!

Jon

Thank you.

Tina

Well done.

Bradley

Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.

Jo

Yeah, me too.

Hannah

What job are you going for?

Bradley

Buddy’s Burger Bar.

Jo

I’m going for that one.

Bradley

I saw it first.

Jo

No, you didn’t! You know I did.

Bradley

Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!

Jo

Oh, what?! I ain’t!

Jon

Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.

Jo

You had better have to be.

Bradley

Wow.

Jon

Well, what do you think?

Rachel

Mmm.

Jon

I’m trying to look as if I haven’t tried.

Rachel

You might have to try a bit harder.

Tina

Do a pose.

Rachel

Try and look a bit more relaxed.

Tina

Relaxed but… cheeky.

Hannah

Now go for happy yet quizzical.

Paul

Now, quizzical yet somehow yearning.

Rachel

Playful yet… deep.

Tina

Sad but… cheerful.

Paul

Now try to look like a complete muffin.

THAT’S IT!

Hannah

Excellent!

Rachel

You’re definitely getting better.

Tina

But, you know, every different style of clothing has a different style of pose.

Jon

Really?

Tina

Just take this and come back when you practice.

Joni

Oh, there we are. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Hannah

Hi, Joni.

Paul

Hi, Joni.

Rachel

Hi, Joni.

Tina

Hi, Joni.

Joni

Wait till I tell all my friends, I know the S Club 7. A bunch of kids who lay around and don’t tidy up after themselves. Very impressive.

Hannah

We are gonna tidy up.

Paul

We just need to decide whose turn it is.

Joni

Well, then what you guys need is a cleaning schedule.

Rachel

I said that.

Paul

But we couldn’t decide whose turn it was to write the cleaning shed-yule.

Joni

Shall I tell you what one of the most important rules of show business is?

Tina

What’s that?

Joni

Knowing when to give up?

Tina

What do you mean?

Joni

Well, as far as I know you came to L.A. to find fame and fortune and unless it’s hiding under the dirty dishes in the kitchen. You haven’t found it.

Hannah

Yeah, if it’s early days yet.

Joni

Is it?

Paul

I think we’re making good progress.

Joni

Are you?

Rachel

Yeah?

Tina

We are.

Hannah

Aren’t we?

Joni

Well, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you guys wanna keep this apartment, you had better keep it tidy…and pay your rent on time. (She hits the table) Because otherwise it’s gonna be a case of repossession, and I don’t wanna go through that again.

Jon

Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.

Paul

Okay.

Rachel

Okay.

Tina

Okay.

Jon

Is everybody ready?

Rachel

No. Wait.

Tina

No, no, no. Hold on.

Paul

Just in time.

Hannah

Oh! How did it go?

Jo

Horrible.

Bradley

Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.

Jo

Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.

Tina

Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.

Jon

Okay. Is everybody ready?

Tina

Yeah.

Paul

Yeah.

Bradley

Hmm.

Hannah

Yes.

Paul

But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…

Jo

Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Paul

Alright. Cheers, Jo.

Rachel

Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?

Okay.

Jon

Okay, first one. Watch this.

Bradley

Casual wear.

Jon

Yes.

Woo!

Rachel

Well done, Brad.

Jo

He’s good.

Jon

Okay, this one.

Hannah

Shoes.

Jon

Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.

Jo

Sportswear.

Jon

Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?

Rachel

Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.

Jon

Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.

Tina

Pyjamas!

Jon

Yes! Nicely one.

Jon

Okay, last one.

Paul

Underpants.

Rachel

What? Are you two still here?

Paul

Yeah.

Rachel

Have you two eaten or slept or moved or… (sniffing) washed?

Hannah

No.

Tina

Oh, no! Look at the pile of dishes now!

Paul

As the plates get higher. The steaks get higher.

Tina

Isn’t that exactly where the pieces were last night?

Hannah

Probably. (She moves the piece of chess) Can’t rush into anything. (She moves another piece of chess) Strategic playing.

Rachel

Or not playing playing.

Tina

Wasn’t that Jo and Brad I heard leaving at the cracker dawn this morning?

Paul

Don’t know.

Hannah

I wasn’t looking.

Rachel

Must have been. I wonder how they’re getting on.

5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

Tina

No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.

Paul

I am not talking to Hannah.

Tina

Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…

Jon

What?

Paul

What?

Rachel

What?

Bradley

What?

Jo

What?

Hannah

What?!

Tina

I forgot I was gonna say now.

Hannah

Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.

Paul

It’s me.

Rachel

And me.

Hannah

Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.

Bradley

(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.

Rachel

Tell her it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

What did she say?

Bradley

She said it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

Oh.

Bradley

Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.

Rachel

I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

Tina

It’s gonna ruin our performance.

Jo

What is wrong with us?

Paul

I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.

Joni

Hi, guys!

Hi, Joni!

Joni

Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.

Bradley

Oh, really?

Paul

How come?

Joni

Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.

Jo

What are you talking about?

Joni

Just a little picture in a magazine.

Jon

Oh, no, no. Wait!

Jon

(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!

Paul

Oh, yes it is!

Hannah

(Off-screen) Hey, guys!

Jon

I suppose it is quite funny.

Jo

Yeah.

Hannah

Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.

Oh, yeah!

Joni

So, can I have your photograph?

Jon

Of course you can. (He signs in)

Joni

Thank you very much.

Rachel

Yeah.

Jo

Yeah.

(Off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next the number of our resident band the S Club 7.

Bradley

All right. Looks like we’re up next, guys.

Tina

Yeah. So listen, are we stopping all this not talking? Not nonsense.

Paul

But I don’t know. You better ask Bradley to ask Hannah to ask Jo… Yeah, I guess we are.

Tina

Friends?

Friends.

Hannah

But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.

Paul

Oi! I heard that.

Hannah

Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?

Jo

Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?

Rachel

Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

Jo

Yeah, and…

Tina

Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?

Rachel

A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?

Jo

You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.

Rachel

I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.

Jo

That’s a pig.

Rachel

What?

Jo

I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.

Rachel

What restaurant?

Ooh.

Jo

Are we late for rehearsal?

Tina

No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.

Jo

Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…

Hannah

It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.

Jo

It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?

Bradley

Mmm.

Hannah

As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…

Tina

He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.

Paul

People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.

Rachel

Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.

Rachel

Oh. Host me.

Jo

Brad.

Bradley

I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.

Paul

No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.

Hannah

Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.

Tina

Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.

Jo

You would do. Spring Street Downtown.

Rachel

Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.

Tina

Okay, let’s go then.

Jon

So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.

Hannah

You know what I was thinking, Johnny Jon?

Jon

Oh, I don’t know, Honey Han. Um, why, uh, butterflies called butterflies are not margarine flies?

Hannah

No. I wasn’t thinking that.

Jon

Well, I don’t know then.

Hannah

I was thinking the trouble with Los Angeles is that is so big. Nobody notices ya. I mean look at them ants. (pointing to the ants on the floor) They’re the equivalent of us in Los Angeles. They’re insignificant.

Jo

What ants?

Hannah

See what I mean?

Paul

Afternoon, Bradley.

Bradley

(groaning then clearing his throat)

Paul

The milk’s on the side.

Bradley

(muttering)

Rachel

How do you know what he’s saying?

Paul

Well, I’ve been studying Bradley speak. It’s a little like Japanese but without the words.

Rachel

I guess that means “I’ll see you later?”

Paul

No. He was just clearing his throat.

Rachel

Hmm. Tricky language.

Tina

Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.

Jo

Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.

Somebody at the door!

Hannah

I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.

Joni

Yes. I knew it!

Hannah

Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.

Joni

Just as I thought.

Bradley

Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.

Jo

What is she doing?

Tina

Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.

Joni

Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!

Paul

Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)

Paul

Um, where are my trainers?!

Rachel

I can’t go out looking like this!

Bradley

Whoa!

Joni

Look at that!

Tina

What?

Jo

Where?

Joni

Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!

Jo

Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?

Joni

I can see them. They stand out like a mile.

Jo

I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.

Joni

There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.

Jon

You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.

Paul

Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.

Joni

Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?

Jo

Um, um, to get some ant killer.

Hannah

We can’t kill them.

Jo

Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…

Hannah

Set them free.

Jo

Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.

Hannah

But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!

Jo

That’s just stupid.

Hannah

But it works.

Bradley

More milk.

Tina

Me too.

Joni

Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!