Crane quotes from Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness

Crane

[When a sick Tigress keeps sneezing on him] Master Shifu, can we take five so I can go sterilize my beak with hot coals?

Crane

He smells evil.

Tigress

That's not new.

Mr. Ping

Junjie is holding Shifu prisoner, and Po went the Jade Palace to rescue him, all alone. You have to help him.

Tigress

[wearing bunny ears] Ha, help Po? After what he did? Are you serious?

Mr. Ping

Would you mind taking off those ears?

Crane

He probably just made that up about Shifu. I mean, Junjie is a Shaolin master.

Mr. Ping

[grabs Crane by the beak and pulls him down to his face; seriously] Listen to me, limp-beak! My son may be not perfect. He may be big and loud and clumsy and annoying and impatient and hot-headed and...where...where am I going with this?

Crane

Sorry, Po. I spent my last few coins on a new nasal irrigator. Ain't she a beaut? But, uh, I'd be happy to donate my services in any way I can. Uh, excuse me.

Po

Wait a minute, great idea! We can all donate our services!

Tigress

Which means?

Po

We'll hold a Jade Palace Fancy-Pants Auction!

Monkey

You mean, get people to bid money on us?

Po

Right. Whoever bids the most, gets to spend the day with their favorite Kung Fu master. Is that an incredibly awesome idea or what?

Tigress

I doubt Master Shifu would approve.

Po

He won't know. He's off on his yearly pilgrimage to enhance his spiritual powers.

Shifu

[getting his back massaged by a bunny woman jumping on him; sighs in relaxation] Just a little to the left. There-- Ah! Thank you.

Monkey

No auction for me, Po. What if Mrs. Yoon bids on me? She smells like paste! Paste!

Mr. Ping

Next up, Master Crane!

Crane

[sneezes and snorts the mucus back in his nose, shortly after, making the crowd react in disgust] Excuse me. Lot of allergens in the air. [makes strained honking sounds] It'll, uh, it'll clear up in a second. [sneezes loudly and uncontrollably as the crowd follows his back-and-forth pacing and Po cringes in embarrassment]

Mr. Ping

Well, that was unattractive. Okay, do I hear 40? Eh… 39? 33? Oh, really… oh, 7?

Crane

[to Po; sadly] Sorry I ruined your auction, Po. [leaves the stage in rejection, realizing he lost his reputation and confidence]

Po

But, Crane… [Crane sneezes off-screen] mean to… That didn't go very well, did it?

Mantis

Oh, you figured that all out by yourself?

Mr. Ping

The people are watching. Continue the auction! Let's keep the, uh, good times rolling with the Dragon Warrior!

Mr. Ping

[appearing out of cover after Fenghuang flees] Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five!

[referring to Crane with his beak still stuck to the wall] More like the Furious Four.

Crane

I'm okay! I got this! [frees himself by landing in the center of the crowd, and they all laugh mockingly at him] Ha, ha. Why don't you paint a picture? It'll last longer.

Tigress

Focus, Crane. Even though she's injured, Fenghuang won't be easy to capture. We have to go after her.

Crane

[walks away from the others and lightly hits the Adversary, which he then gets his beak stuck] Ow.

Tigress

[stopping Po as he tries to console Crane] Just leave him alone, Po. Crane's an accomplished Kung Fu master. He'll get his confidence back.

Mantis

Where have you guys been? Fenghuang's been spotted up by the mountains!

Viper

And she's still nursing her wing!

Tigress

This is our chance to capture her! Come on! We gotta get up there while she's still weak.

Crane

I… I'm not going.

Po

Huh? Crane, no! We need you.

Crane

Po, you saw me freeze up when Fenghuang attacked. And you heard everyone laughing when we went down to the village.

Po

[optimistically] So? That's something. [laughs nervously before Crane turns to him with a sad look on his face] Crane, we're friends. And being friends means we can always count on each other. No matter what anybody else thinks.

Crane

Sorry, Po. [sadly looks away]

Po

Crane…

Tigress

[putting her hand on Po's shoulder] He's made his choice, Po. We gotta get going.

Crane

And that, Zeng, is how my uncle decided to re-insulate the nest with thatched reed instead of the more popular doubled-up bundled straw.

Zeng

[laughs weakly] That's very… interesting, Master Crane.

Crane

Yep. True story about thatched reed--

Zeng

Uh, Master Crane? Forgive me, but, uh, why didn't you go with the others?

Crane

[sadly lowers his head, having to have heard that] Because I'm a joke, Zeng. At any moment, I could freeze up. [honks] At least here, I can't hurt anyone. [sneezes violently and coughs, almost hitting Zeng with the broom]

Fenghuang

[laughing evilly at Crane] Aww, what's the matter, little birdy? Lose your confidence? [continues laughing]

Crane

[looks down sadly, but at the last moment, looks up angrily] I just found it.

Mr. Ping

It is with great pleasure that I announce the grand opening of the new children's hospital! Master Crane, as one of the most respected and loved members of the Furious Five, will you do the honors?

Crane

Well, uh… Me? [two bunny kids give him back his hat before putting it back on his head]

Po

[giving him a thumbs-up] Way to go, buddy.

Crane

[cuts the red ribbon with his beak, declaring the children's hospital open, and everyone cheers; then starts coughing and wheezing] Was that ribbon made of silk?! [snorting]

Tigress

[sighs] Let's get him inside.

Monkey

He's allergic to silk?

Mantis

Of course.

Mr. Ping

[laughs nervously] Let's hear it for Master Crane, the hospital's first patient!

Shifu

Crane, if you'd done that in combat, someone could have gotten hurt!

Po

[yelling in distant] Someone did!

Crane

[snapping sharply] Someone always gets hurt! Kung fu isn't safe! It's just like my… Like, someone said. [sadly turns around] I have to go. [starts walking to the doors]

Shifu

What? Where?

Crane

I'm resigning from the Furious Five. [pushes the door open, accidentally hitting Po in the face] Goodbye, everyone… Forever.

Po

Hello. Why do you want to leave the Furious Five, buddy?

Crane

I don't want to talk about it.

Po

Come on, you can tell me.

Crane

[defiantly] I said no!

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No.

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No.

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No.

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No.

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No!

Po

Tell me.

Crane

No--NO!

Po

I could do this forever. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Crane

[sighs] It's my mother. She's always been kind of… overprotective. [voice-over during a 2D animated flashback] She made me wear a full suit of armor till I was six years old. I wasn't allowed to run or play, and she tied pillows to all the sharp corners in the house. She just didn't believe I could take care of myself. But one day, I snuck out and went to… a kung fu class! It was amazing! I knew right then it was what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, the class may have been a wee bit advanced for me. I don't know how my mom found out, but ever since then, she's hated kung fu. The slightest hint of it gives her dangerous heart palpitations. So I had to promise I would never, ever, ever have anything to do with kung fu.

Po

[surprised] Whoa.

Crane

Po, my mom has a weak heart. If she knew I was a Kung Fu master, it would kill her.

Po

Are you sure she doesn't know?

Crane

Yes, 'cause she's not dead! I've been telling her that I… [sighs] Manage an inn. It's what she always wanted.

Po

Not like you… own an inn? Or you own a bunch of inns, or you invented inns?

Crane

No. Mother believes in keeping her expectations low. Anyway, I figured I could get away with it 'cause she hates traveling. So I thought she'd never come to visit. And now she's coming to visit!

Po

Huh?

Crane

[nervously worried] Oh, Po. What am I gonna do?

Po

[thinking; then gets an idea] Got it! You don't have to quit. We'll just pretend you're an inn manager. How long is she staying?

Crane

Just for the day. But it gets worse. I told her my inn is the Jade Palace. And that you and the Five work for me. And that Shifu is a poor, underprivileged simpleton who cleans the toilets!

Po

[shocked] What?!

[calling for him; off-screen] Yoo-hoo! Son!

Po

[covers his beak, silencing the screaming] Just keep her busy. [shoves him outside the noodle shop] Go!

Where are you?! [spots him; joyfully] Oh, my baby!

Po

[sits up, putting his hand on his head; groaning] Did we save the lychee nuts?

Shifu

You're lucky to be alive, panda.

Mantis

[sighs in disappointment] It's my fault. Lidong was too big.

Monkey

You did what you could, considering you're so… Uh, green?

Mantis

I should have been able to take that guy.

Po

How? Lidong once fought Tigress to a stand still.

Tigress

His size is formidable. You never had a chance.

Mantis

Yeah, because I'm comically tiny! That's what you're all thinking, isn't it?

Shifu

A true master realizes his limits. Only then can he push past them.

Mantis

Well, maybe it's time I pushed my limits. I'm not gonna be the weak link on this team. No way! [hops away]

Crane

Tiny people can be so sensitive.