Kenny vs. Spenny · Season 4, Episode 1
[To the mirror] Ooh! Yeah, you are fucking hot man! I fucking love you! Yeah, you fucking love me? I fucking love you. Do you love me? Well, let's go! You wanna go? OK!
[Proceeds to make out with himself in the mirror]
I can't do this. I gotta stop, I'm getting a boner.
You shaved your legs!
No I didn't, I clipped them.
You clipped your leg hair!
Yes, I did.
You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?
What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science.
You love rockets, right?
Who me?
Yeah.
I do like rockets.
[thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?
I would like to go to outer space.
You want to go to Uranus.
I wouldn't mind going to Uranus.
You wanna go to my anus?
No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet.
If I have to, you know, pull my pants down and smear anchovy paste in my ass to give this guy a boner, I'm willing to do this because I'm going to fucking win.
Alright, Spenny and I have decided that neither of us are going to get a boner, so the only thing left to do is have a bone-off. We both picked lap dancers for the other person. They are going to grind us--
Simultaneously.
The first person to get a boner loses.
Well, umm--
Did you get a redhead for me?
I couldn't find a redhead, but I did find...Hugo! Come on out for Spencer!
What? No! No! No! No! No! No!
We had an arrangement--we pick each other's lap dancers!
Oh my god, Kenny!
You sit down!
No, I wanted a dancer--a female dancer!
No, you said we pick the other person's lap dancer, I picked Hugo. This is better for you, if this doesn't turn you on then you're going to win so sit the fuck down and let's do this. Right?
OK, this could be good. Let's go.
[Kenny won the competition]
I know everyone was thinking that what I was doing was stupid and you believed Spencer, but in the end it was my master plan and it totally worked.
Can I make a statement? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw your girl, Jersey, and she had those boots on with the buckles--it was very erotic. It was a combination of that, and grinding of Hugo that was just, uh, caused, uh, you know, blood to flow in certain places. Now, I'm OK with it, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I don't think anything happened to me that wouldn't happen to the average heterosexual man.
I do love him, even if he doesn't admit he loves me. But not in that way!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Kenny vs. Spenny pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
