Kevin Lucas quotes from Jonas

Surprise?

It's our 15 year friend-a-versary.

Oh no no no. I can't believe it. So when you two are were acting and all dense and "Joe who?"

Just trying to keep a secret.

Kevin

Oh, you meant our Joe. Oh. Okay.

How about we crank up the coonmaster 5000?

(gasps) The 5000? That's supposed to be like a thousands times more awesome than the 4000.

Kevin

We know... thanks to Macy. She helped us plan this entire then with all your favorite stuff. (Nick, Kevin and Joe walk away)

Mace, um-- I think I owe you a huge apology--

No no no. You don't need to apologize for anything. I mean, I know you and Joe are-- well, you're not. I mean, you are so I would never. Because you two-- do anything to get in the way of that.

(laughs) Joe and I, we're just really great friends.

Yeah, great friends who have feelings for each other, but don't want to jeopardize their friendship so they hope that someday they will be brave enough to let their true feelings out.

Or... whatever.

Whatever, indeed.

Okay okay, I admit-- I mean, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if Joe and I were brave enough. (P.A feedback)

(grunts) All right, everybody to get the karaoke started, I'm gonna sing one of Stella's favorite songs. Happy Friend-a-versary, Stella. (cheering) (ballad playing) (Stella smiles)

(sings) You

You know, I think it might be safer if Joe and I are just friends.

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(filming the competition) I will be recording this historic showdown. Don't worry, if anything embarrassing happens, it will be going on the internet.

All right, as with all family competitions, we'll go in birth other. So Kevin, you're first. (Nick stands by Joe)

Kevin

Okay. Don't like weight. Don't like the color. Don't like the circumference.

Kev, would you just go already, please?

Come on!

Kevin

Here we go. Ready? Oh, I'm out.

That's it? Three?

Kevin

What? I'm exhausted.

(sighs)

Kevin

Oh, dad.

You want to lie down? (pats Kevin) (

(reads a page from a book while holding the video camera) "And then she says, 'I do."

Kevin

Aww.

132 to 3. Sorry, dude, I think I just won.

Kevin

Or did you?

Yes, I did. I just won.

Kevin

Or did I let you win?

No, I won.

Kevin

Or did you?

(laughs) This is classic.

Kevin

Or is it?

I'm not on this ride anymore. (stops filming and closes the video camera then leaves with Tom)

Neither am I.

Kevin

Or, are you? Looks like the little learned his lesson. (whip cracks) Or did he? (Nick chases Kevin)

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Okay. We've got guitar-shaped pancakes for Kevin, Crunchy Cat cereal for Nick and peanut butter with eggs for Joe. (kissed Joe) Ah.

Mom, there's a little too much trees in my eggs.

And I like my dish-water a little less soapy.

Kevin

I love the underwear that came with my pancakes. It's a great source of fiber.

Oh my-- (laughs) I am so sorry. I think I'm doing too many things at once. (walks to Frankie) It's been really hectic since the baby was born the was born.

Kevin

Baby?

Frankie

Mom, I'm eight and a half.

Kevin

Guys, I think it's time. (tells Nick and Joe)

Time for what?

Mom, dad, you both seem a little stressed. So we got you a present-- an exclusive resort vacation.

Oh--

We were gonna wait for your anniversary, but you guys look like you could use our present right now.

Kevin

Plus, we couldn't remember when your anniversary was.

That too.

Kevin

Yeah.

Guys, that is so sweet. But I can't possibly leave you alone. No.

Are you sure, hon? Look.

"How many times can you enjoy a sunset balloon ride... over hand-raked prestine beaches while eating exotic delicacies"? Hmm. (takes the brochure and leaves)

Kevin

Dad, you're gonna love it.

No no no no. I couldn't possibly leave. Who would take care of all this, the band business? All right, I'm the grease that keeps the JONAS machine running smoothly.

Dad, I think we can get by without your grease for a week.

I don't know. I've never left the band business in anybody else's hands before.

They give you massages while you float in the lagoon. Get up.

I'll send you a postcard. (Nick gives Joe and Kevin a high five then Nick is excited)

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Bye. Oh thank you so much. (hugs Kevin)

Come here.

Okay, boys, now remember. no monkey business.

Mom, where would we even get a monkey?

Let alone with a head for business?

Kevin

(on the phone while holding a business card) Hello, Monkey Land? (monkey squeals) (whispers) I'm gonna have to call you back. (hangs up)

All right, look, I've complied a list here to help you guys define "monkey business." Let's call this daddy's big list of don'ts. (unfolds the list and hands it to Joe but Joe is shocked) (Joe looks at the long list)

Come on, it's time to leave all your cares and worries behind.

Well, just watch the junk food. And don't fry your eyes playing video games.

Tom! Dolphins are waiting patiently to swim with. (exits)

Yes, dear. (leaves) (door closes)

Yea-- (Joe is about to be excited but Nick stops him)

Wait for it.

You know, don't let any strange people into the house, okay? (runs back into the house) And stay away from my pinecone collection and pretty much everything that's breakable. And leave the computer on so we can video chat while we're gone.

BMBig Man

(enters) Sorry, chief. Time to have fun. (Tom leaves) This man needs a vacation. Lock the doors quick. (leaves then Kevin closes the doors)

All right, now you're good. (tells Joe)

Yes! (throws the list) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on! Yeah!

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Dudes, we have the whole place to ourselves, let’s do something crazy. Like, brush without flossing or floss without brushing. Better yet, run with scissors! No. Too dangerous. Run without scissors!

Talk without breathing?

Whoo-hoo! (runs around the living room back and forth) (hooting, yelling)

Kevin

Don't worry, he'll tire himself out soon enough. (he and Nick are watching Joe run back and forth)

(stops running back and forth) (sighs) Whoa. I just tired myself out. (sits down and puts his feet on the table)

Careful! That was grandma's. Dad's list specifically says "no knick-knack destruction."

Kevin

That's why we don't put our feet on the table, Joseph.

Kevin, I just did.

Kevin

I'm in charge and I'm enforcing the rules.

That's weird.

Kevin

What's weird?

Sounded like someone just said "Kevin's in charge."

Kevin

I am in charge.

There it is again.

Kevin

Well, I'm the oldest and the tallest and I have the longest sideburns.

Well, as the most responsible and least likely to measure leadership skills by facial hair, maybe I should be in charge.

Yeah, Kevin, Nick's in charge. (puts feet on the table)

Joe, take your feet off the table.

I take that back, Kevin's in charge. (puts feet on the table again)

Kevin

Joe, take your feet off the table.

You two are tearing this family apart. (leaves)

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Kevin

Well, this is fun.

Come on, guys. We're at the prime of our lives here. (stands up) I mean, it's our job to have fun while our parents are gone. What's wrong with us?

He does have a point.

Kevin

You know what they say? All work and no play makes... something something something.

Exactly.

Yeah, sure. Guys, let's get this party started with a round of smoothies before dinner.

Kevin

That's both risky and exciting. (stands up) I'm in.

(stands up) I'd like mine with extra whipped cream.

Whoa Nick Nick Nick. Let's not get crazy here.

You're right, lost my head there for a minute. I'm sorry. (he, Joe and Kevin are going downstairs to the kitchen)

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One boysenberry, butternut, bacon, blueberry with a... twist. (Kevin enters) (Joe pours one smoothie into a cup and puts a bacon with it and gives it to Kevin)

Kevin

(drinks the smoothie) That is one smooth smoothie. Hmm. And cold. Ow. Ow. (touches his head) Brain freeze! (grunts) (dull thud) (he drops to the floor and Joe ignores him)

(looks at the refridgerator) Joe, the light's off. Did you unplug the refridgerator? (turns around and shows the unplugged fridge then asks Joe)

Had to so I could plug in my third blender.

Dude, mom crammed the week's worth of food in here for us. (closes the fridge then takes the cord and plugs it back on the power outlet)

Kevin

runs to the fridge and opens it) Save the ice cream and icy treats first!

What about the vegetables?

Kevin

Let 'em die. It'll be the perfect crime. (a montage of him, Joe and Nick taking out everything from the fridge and set them on the counter)

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We've gotta get these kids out of here.

I've tried, but they're like rabbits-- wild rabbits who love to party.

Kevin

Isn't that a little renduant? All rabbits love to party.

I just hope dad doesn't call again.

CVComputer voice

Chat request. (Nick looks at Kevin and Joe)

(opens the computer again and turns it on) Answer it. (he, Joe and Kevin see their mom video chatting them)

Hi, kids.

Hi, mom. (he, Joe and Kevin wave to her) We thought you were dad.

If you think I'm dad, I'm definitely not wearing that bikini I packed.

Dad's been calling like every five minutes.

Well, you know, your father. He gets worried if he's got nothing to worry about.

MMan

Let's limbo!

Kevin

Well, tell him, to go get worried because there's nothing to be worried about here.

Yeah, mom, no party, no broken vase. (two girls are on the couch (laughing) No jumping on the couch! No jumping on the couch.

Oh, I'm not worried. Ever since you were little, you guys have been trustworthy and responsible, not to mention adorable.

KJKevin, Joe and Nick

Thanks, mom.

I mean, soon you'll be moving out on your own. And I won't get to spend as much time with you, what with all the touring and-- you know what? I don't want to spend another minute away from you. I don't. (picks up the phone and calls the pilot) Captain Boulder, we're turning this jet around. We're going home... now. (hangs up the phone)

I think I liked it better when dad called.

Kevin

Yeah.

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All right, mom are about two hours away.

There’s not enough time. There’s not enough time! There's not enough time!

Joe!

I'm sorry, Nick. But there’s not enough time.

Kevin

(beeps) There, problem solved.

You pressed pause.

Kevin

And see? The plane's not moving anymore. I think I bought us some valuable time.

Let me explain something to you. The plane still moves in the air even if it doesn't move on the screen, you ding-dong.

Kevin

Ding-dong?! (scoffs) Well, you're a knucklehead.

Knucklehead? Really, Kevin? Knucklehead?

Guys, stop before somebody else calls somebody a goofball and we all regret it. Nick closes the computer) (the fan club, Stella and Macy enter the house) (fan club screaming) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are pointing the other way then the fan club looks that way but they find that Kevin, Joe and Nick aren't at the living room) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are hiding at the kitchen)

That's it. We're dead.

What do you think mom's gonna do first, cry, scream or faint?

Kevin

Probably all three of them, but we won't be there to see because we'll be dead.

Hey, guys, awesome party. Thanks for the invite. (she and Macy are crawling to the kitchen to hide with Kevin, Joe and Nick)

We're not throwing a party. We're trying to get everyone out of the house.

Kevin

We've got to get this place cleaned up before mom and dad get home.

Which is in less than two hours.

Kevin

And before you go there, pausing the little plane on the computer doesn't help. (Nick shakes his head in agreement)

Wait, all you guys need is this place cleaned up? No problem. (stops hiding) Hey, girls! And Fred... (he waves) (points to the floor) See those potato chips on the floor? They're left over from JONAS. (the fan club are looking at the floor) (fan club screaming) (the fan club runs to the

Kevin

Wow. They’re good.

They’re fast.

They’re a little scary.

They’re JONAS heads.

Macy, you are queen of the JONAS heads. Please please please take back the presidency. No offense. I'm just not cut out for this kind of... weird.

A few people are.

Friends again?

Always. (she and Stella rekindle their friendship then they hug) Unless you try to take over my fan club again. (Kevin, Nick and Joe are walking to the other side of the kitchen counter) Then you should probably watch your back.

(holds a plate) Hey, anybody want to scrape off real cheese crust from an actual JONAS plate? (three members of the fan club clean the plate)

Who wants to vacuum the JONAS living room? You get to keep anything you find in the bag. (whirring) (Fred vacuums)

Kevin

Okay, uh, who wants to help me scrub the bathroom? All right. (rock music playing) (the fan club members are cleaning the kitchen at a fast pace)

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Kevin

(rings loudly) Mom and dad alert! Places! (Kevin, Joe and Nick are putting back everything in their right place) (Tom opens the door for him and Sandy then they enter the house)

Hey, guys, we're back! (Kevin is playing chess with Frankie, Nick is on his guitar and writing a song while Joe is painting a picture)

The place looks spotless, Joe's not a blond. And it looks like Frankie's about to beat Kevin in speed chess. (walks to Kevin and Frankie)

Frankie

Checkmate.

Game. Well, everything, looks normal to me.

Just taking care of business, dad. (puts the guitar on the couch)

(squeals happily) I missed you guys so much. (Kevin, Nick, Joe and Frankie are walking to Sandy) (Sandy happily hugs Kevin, Joe, Nick and

Kevin

We missed you too.

We would’ve been home sooner, but the plane made an unexpected stop.

Kevin

Oh really?

She doesn’t mean, “In mid-air”.

Kevin

Mm-hmm.

(tells Tom) See, I told you there was nothing to worry about. (stops hugging then notices the vase) Hey, who moved grandma's vase? (walks to the table) You guys know how fragile this is. (Tom walk to her) (she picks up part of the vase) Grandma's vase. (she hands the top of the vase to Tom) (the bouncer walks by while holding the disco ball) (Frankie pays the bouncer money then leaves)

Did anything happen that we should know about? (Sandy is mad) (he asks Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie)

Kevin

No.

Don't think so.

Why do you ask? (four members of the fan club walks by carrying cleaning supplies and leave)

Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to explain to us?

Kevin

No.

Don't think so.

Why do you ask?

Aww.

Kevin

We missed you. (he, Joe and Nick walk to Tom and Sandy to give them a hug)

We missed you too. (zapping) (Kevin, Joe, Nick, Frankie, Sandy and Tom are noticing the electrocuted fridge) (buzzes)

KNKevin and Nick

Joe was in charge! (Joe looks at Kevin and Nick)

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Oh yeah.

We definitely needed this.

Mm-hmm.

And you know what? For the first time, I'm not worried about the boys at all. (Frankie holds a leaf and lets it give Sandy a breeze)

(chuckles) (Joe walks to Sandy and Tom to give beverages to them) Oh, thank you. (takes a beverage from the tray)

(also takes a beverage from the tray) Thank you. Mm. (drinks)

This is delicious. (drinks)

Kevin

(offers) Braid your hair, ma'am?

No, thank you.

Oh, but you know what? A foot massage would be nice. What do you think, hon?

Ooh... Yeah. (agrees) (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie stop what they're doing and four of them kneel down then Joe and Frankie massage sunscreen on Sandy's feet while Kevin and Nick massage sunscreen on Tom's feet)

Why couldn't you just ground us like normal parents? (Kevin shakes his head) (Tom and Sandy toast each other then they drink)

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Give me a C!

Kevin

C!

Give me an O!

O!

Give me a-

Dad, we’ve got school. How many more letters are there gonna be?

I was going to spell "Coler." As in Robert Lincoln Coler.

Kevin

The music critic?

The most respected music critic in the business.

(sits) I hate that guy. He's so pedantic, pompous, pretentious.

It looks like someone's been reading their word-of-the-day calendar.

Yeah, well, he loved your last album.

(stands up and walks to Kevin) That Coler? He's so cool. Some would say sagacious.

Kevin Watch you mouth.

It means "shrewd." May 23rd.

Kevin I thought it was impossible to get an interview with that guy.

Yeah, it is. It is, which is why it's so unbelievably awesome I got us an interview!

Kevin No way.

Awesome.

(laughs) Let's celebrate. Five-second dance party. Go. (dance music playing) And we're dancing. Let's dance it.

Mom, dad's dancing again! (tells Sandy)

Come on, you guys. (Kevin, Nick and Joe are going downstairs) All right, we'll do more dancing later. Robert Coler.

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(enters then asks Joe) What's this? (points to Joe's award)

Oh, nothing. Just my "Hottie of the Year" award. I've been meaning to hang this thing up for weeks. (continues to wipe his award) (he winks)

And you just decided to put it up right now before the interview?

Kevin

What are these? (asks Nick about his trophies)

(walks to the awards) Oh, these old things? Just a couple of my songwriting awards. No biggie. (Joe turns) Well, this one a biggie. (bends down and picks up his big award) (grunts) (holds the big award) I got it in first grade-- "Best Melody in an Original Alphabet Song." (doorbell rings)

That must be Stella and Macy. (Nick kisses his big award) I'll get it. (Joe slides down his pole to go downstairs then he walks to open the door)

Kevin

(sighs) Nick, I cannot believe how self-centered you guys are being.How about we show a little modesty? (unbuttons his vest and shows Nick the award as a necklace) What? I've been getting into hip-hop fashion.

And you just decided to turn your golden shredder award into a necklace?

Kevin

Word to your mother... who also happens to be my mother. (walks away from Nick) (Nick shakes his head)

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RRobert

Well, thank you, gentlemen. (turns around and talks to Kevin, Joe and Nick) I found you guys quite perspicacious. (shakes Kevin's hand)

(tells Nick and Kevin) That means "insightful." Or was it "to sweat like a cow?" (Robert chuckles and leaves then Joe closes the door) (Stella and Macy are downstairs)

Yay.

Great job guys.

So, I thought that went really great. What are we doing now?

Excellent question, Stella. What are we doing on this very special evening?

Kevin

I don't know about you guys. But showing my better side all day has got me exhausted. I'm going to bed. Good night, guys. (walks upstairs)

Yeah, I'm wiped. Have a good night, guys. See you soon. (walks upstairs)

Yeah, after even three hours, I'm tired of talking about myself. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. Don't forget your purse. (walks upstairs)

They- they forgot my birthday.

I can’t believe they did that. I’m gonna go yell at them.

No, I don't want you to go yell at them.

Good, 'cause, I could never yell at them. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?

Mm-hmm.

Happy birthday, dear Stella. Happy birthday to you.

Thanks. (hugs Macy)

Bye. (leaves) (door opens, closes)

Bye. (walks to the table to take her purse) (electricity crackles) (notices the black out) What? (Tom is walking the stairs with a candle) I knew it.

Oh! Hey, Stella. I didn't know you were still here. So, I blew a fuse plugging in my hot comb. (gives Stella the candle) (flashlight clicks) I'll get this fix in a jiff. (walks away and Stella turns around then Tom leaves) (door closes)

Happy... birthday to me. (blows the candle) (door opens) (thudding) Ow! Ouch! (door closes) (the power is on) (Stella opens the door and she has a jacket on her head then she removes it from her head) (leaves)

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Kevin

(turns around) Something on your mind, Macy?

(angry) You know, if I didn’t like you guys so much I wouldn’t like you guys so much. You forgot Stella's birthday.

Kevin

That's impossible. Her birthday's after Joe's, which is before mine.