SSammy
(on the phone) Is it breathing? It's moving? If it's moving and breathing then its not dead! It's hopping? If it's hopping then it's really not dead!
S1Pilot
SSammy
(on the phone) This is why I didn't want to get a rabbit for a pet! They're not pets, they're food!
So, what you do is that you shoot these photons at this piece of paper...
There's a pervert in the yard!!
..and a pervert appears in the yard.
What about my hair?
It's on your head.
Who are you?
I've known you since before you were born, Joan.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
I'm God.
You're what?
God.
Don't ever...talk to me again.
As the great physicist Faraday once said, 'Nothing is too wonderful to be true.'
Let's... let's say you're God.
Joan, I am God.
Okay, well, let's see a miracle.
Okay. How 'bout that?
That's a tree.
Let's see you make one.
S1The Fire and the Wood
So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.
Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.
I remember normal. Back when I was normal, I wanted them to buy me a car. You know what they said? They said "No." they said "Be a man. Get a job, buy your own car." So, what's changed since then? Huh? Joan, what's changed?
You know what's changed.
Yep. Nobody expects me to be a man anymore.
[Kevin leaves, Joan yells after him]
You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some subdefective!
Make Kevin walk, please? I just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again. It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes. Just let Kevin stand up.
People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.
What do you expect? You're God!
I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
No miracles?
Miracles happen within the rules.
S1Touch Move
[On the phone] Yes sir. I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.
Sir? Who does he call Sir?
His boss.
He doesn't have a boss.
Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.
WWoman
Joan Girardi? Sign Here.
Oh. I never get anything in the mail.
WWoman
You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.
[Joan turns around to call her mom for the money.]
WWoman
Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.
Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?
Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.
What are you going to do with money?
It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.
Tell your brother to stop with the after-shave. First, he has nothing to shave. Second, it smells like picked eggs. And third, he sits behind me and I'm allergic. I have like, one working sinus left.
You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.
Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really girly. Hard to believe he's straight.
Hard to believe and hard to care.
You know, I know he's not your type, I know he isn't mine. (Grace gives her a look) If he weren't my brother. I'm more into athlete type. You know that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.
Small cerebral cortex.
(in a whisper) Wrestlers?
Mind your own business.
Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.
You mean like, Hell?
No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Joan of Arcadia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.