Joan quotes from Joan of Arcadia

You hit on Dax Hibbing?

Joan

I don't know Dax Hibbing.

Are you insane? They are like, such a unit. You can't get in there.

Joan

I don't know Dax Hibbing.

You're either a complete freak or my hero.

Benjamin Franklin. (Joan clicks her timer) Interesting. Fianachetto.

Joan

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Yeah, like I'm falling for that.

Joan

A horse can jump people right?

That's funny.

How's it going?

Shes bold. Kudos for the Dresden variation, but I'm about take her queen.

Joan

Which one is the queen? This one?

Oh yeah, you're psyching me out.

Joan

(makes a move) Can I do that?

Wow. I should have seen that. I should have seen it. Crap. In six moves, by a girl.

Joan

(To the teacher who is looking shocked) What happened? Did I win?

Helen

(To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?

No. Actually I'm a psychic.

Helen

A psychic, that's interesting.

Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.

Joan

[Awkwardly] No I don't.

Luke

No, it's true. She is from another planet.

[To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.

Helen

Nice to meet you.

Will

[To Kevin] What did she say to you?

Kevin

Nothing.

Joan

Because my life is completely unraveling. I'm up to my eyeballs in the drama of the high school mating ritual, and now, thanks to you, I've been mistaken as the school chess champion. How did this happen to me?

God

Which part?

Joan

How did I beat that kid at chess?

God

He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.

Joan

I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.

God

And yet you play the game.

Joan

Because I'm forced to.

God

Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.

Joan

Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?

God

It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....

Joan

No?

God

It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.

Joan

I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?

God

Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.

Joan

Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?

God

There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a strategy. See the number one rule in chess is this; whatever you do, don't play the other person's game. Play your own... Your move.

Kevin

Joan, can I borrow your hair dryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at Wiener World? Joan?

Joan

[Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?

Kevin

[Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?

Kevin

So, I was in the "in" crowd. I just got to see the jerks closer up. Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports? I didn't like that social thing so much. People were mean, it was boring. I wanted to play my own game.

Joan

Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.

Kevin

Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.

Joan

You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?

Kevin

Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.

Joan

Sub-defective.

Back off, Pin Head.

Luke

That's Mister Pin Head to you.

Joan

You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing or Lynnie Charmichael, or my social resumé, or who's gay or who's not. I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff. There's other things to do.

Like what? Chemistry and chess?

Joan

Yeah, Like that. Now those guys might be nerds but at least they know what they're here for.

Luke

[After the girls walk away] You called me a nerd.

Joan

It was a metaphor.

Joan

Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.

Luke

Was that ever a possibility?

Joan

There was a brief moment of insanity.

Helen

Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?

Joan

Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.

Luke

I believe you.

Joan

Thank you. I don't understand it.

Luke

It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.

Will

Please, no more talk about the future.

Luke

That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.

Will

There are a million people with white cars and dogs.

Kevin

[Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.

God

You should be nicer to your mother.

Joan

She's against me having a life.

God

She's against you getting hurt. She knows something about that.

Joan

Is this about those paintings?

God

Where do you think that kind of thing comes from in a person?

Joan

A mood?

God

You have a mood, you eat french fries. But when you have pain, it takes a little more work to deal with it.

Joan

She had to have done this before she had Kevin...

God

Before your father, even.

Joan

What happened to her?

Joan

Is that why she's so weird about me dating?

Joan

How bad was it?

God

It was evil, and I don't throw that word around.

Yeah, I need a baby-sitter. I need a cheap baby-sitter who's not a psycho.

Joan

I can do it. And I'm not a psycho.

Rocky, my kid, he's really a great kid. He mostly entertains himself. And you're really not a psycho?

Joan

No, I'm-- I'm totally normal. You can even ask my friend. [They both turn to look at Adam who is banging his head against the window.] Um, maybe you should just take my word for it.

Joan

Adam!

Joan

[Sigh] He's never going to forgive me.

Grace

The dude has a photographic memory. Everytime he thinks he might forgive you, the image of you smashing his artwork just pops into his head. Not that I've discussed it with him.

Joan

I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?

God

Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?

Joan

Well you know everything. Why don't you tell me?

God

Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself and ending up like Kevin.

Joan

Yeah, maybe she's right.

God

Balderdash! You've always been a headstrong, brave child not overly concerned with your own well-being - a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgement might entail consequences. Consequences like those...

Joan

Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive. I mean, isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?

God

Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being, it means risking others' - in cars, in love, in family - hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others even when you don't want to.

Joan

Then it's a flaw in the design, and who's fault is that?

God

It might help if you think of the Universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design, it's just -

Joan

Obstacles?

God

Time's up.

Joan

I have to wash my hair!

Well I'm God, my needs come first.

Joan

When... when do you plan on having sex?

Luke

Oh, at my first opportunity.

Joan

What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?

Luke

It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.