Joan quotes from Joan of Arcadia

Joan

I'm not... pregnant.

Luke

Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...

Joan

Mom.

Luke

Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...

Joan

[covering ears] Ewwwww!

Luke

So I asked Grace to do this thing with me, and, at the time, she said "yes". Sort of. But...

Joan

Wait, Grace Polk said yes to you?

Luke

It was somewhat contingent, but, essentially, yeah.

Joan

Huh, you're so gonna get it.

Luke

But see, I don't know if she actually remembers me asking, so do I - do I have to do the full reapproach, or...?

Joan

What is she going to wear, because they don't make gowns out of fatigues.

Luke

What are we talking about?

Joan

You asked Grace Polk to the semi-formal.

Luke

I asked her to be my partner in the science fair.

Joan

Wow. Science really is like sex to you.

Grace

Y'know, this whole debate is a joke.

I have a very strong rebuttal.

Grace

Like it matters? No matter what happens in this debate, those metal detectors will still be there. They will still stop us and search us.

I would like you to leave, Miss Polk.

Grace

Oh, gee, remember free speech, Mr. Price?

Remember decorum? Manners? Civility?

Grace

Yeah, all the things that used to keep us down? Well guess what, today is about freedom.

Joan

You call what you are doing right now free speech?

You're not debating this young woman, Miss Girardi. I suggest you not deviate from the rules.

[In undertone to Glynis] We're so gonna win this debate.

Grace

That's right, Girardi. Party line - that's what it's about.

Alright, out!

Joan

And what's it about for you, Grace? Your idea of freedom is a world where everyone agrees with you?

Grace

You believe in this crap?

Joan

I don't know what I believe. I know Ramsey came in here with a gun. I know people could have died - you, me. You said I think like this because my father's a cop? Like that's bad? Yeah, my dad is a cop and you may think that makes him some kind of bigot, but he deals with those guns every day. This is not some political thing for him, this is reality. He's had them pointed at him and shoved in his face and that makes it real for me too, because every time I hear that the cops are in someplace and shots are fired, I wonder if I'm ever going to see my father again. I don't think we should have to, like, live in some prison - that sucks - but I do know we have to deal with this. We have to work something out. Even if it's not what we sort of believe in in the first place. I know I'm mouthing off, Mr Enfield, and I can't cite some report to back up my theories. I - this is just how I feel.

Do you know what grace is, Joan?

Joan

Yeah, pissed off.

Do you know the meaning of grace? It's a touch of truth that let's you see the world in a new way. It's a gift that can only be felt when you are open enough to accept it.

Joan

Do you even listen to music?

Grace

Nothing legal.

Joan

It's just that, I like Adam.

Helen

I know, honey.

Joan

Mom, please. I know you think I'm dating him but I'm not. I mean, we kissed once (and, please, never repeat that to me or anyone else because I'm already grossed out I told you,) but it was just a kiss. You know, just a one-time kiss.

Helen

Okay.

Joan

It doesn't mean we're dating, does it?

Helen

Well -

Joan

Right, I know, of course not. It's just I think Adam thought that it did and he was kinda ... y'know, about it. And I - I - I was sort of ... y'know, too.

Helen

Oh...

Joan

And now he likes someone else - this, Iris (huh) - and I don't know what he sees in her. I mean, she's all... y'know. I want him to be happy; I'm not one of those people who gets all perky when someone else is miserable (maybe I am), but - but I do think Adam should be happy. Just not before I'm happy. I mean, he can be happy with someone else after I'm happy with someone else. (Does that make me a total maggot? Whatever.) The real question is: should I try to get him back? I mean, what if he falls in love with her and I realize that I do like him and it's too late but if I break them up and get him back but realize that I really don't want to be with him then he's going to hate me again, which I could not stand because I really like him. [Sighs] There's just no good answer here.

Helen

Honey, you are dealing with a lot of emotions.

Joan

Mom, I can't have this conversation right now, okay?

Stop! Stop it!

Joan

Don't be such a drag, we're just having a little fun.

Fun? Swinging around a stick and beating things? My father thought it was fun too, just a little fun. Beating us with a stick, just like this. First my mother and then.... Why would you do this?

God

You can't fix everything, Joan.

Joan

She's my friend. I want to know what's gonna happen to her.

God

I know you do. But sometimes it's enough to plant the seed, walk away, and let the flower grow on its own.

Joan

I just want to be a normal couple again. Do you remember normal?

Adam

Not really.

Cute Boy God

Crazy is destructive. It tears down. I'm all about building up.

Joan

Then I suggest you take up carpentry.

God

It's a creation, Joan. It's not a destruction. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to be creative. I want you to build things.

Joan

I build lamps!

Joan

You stole that!

God

Well, technically, everything's mine.

Joan

You hurt me. Really bad. Why should I trust you again?

God

Why did you ever?

Joan

Look, we had some good times. And I'm fine with you being, you know, the divine "it." But I don't want to see you anymore. It's not you. It's me. I--I'm just-- I'm not the girl for you. I--I had... a taste of normal, and...I really liked it, you know? I really enjoyed being optimistic and... making my lamps.

God

Don't you miss me a little?

Joan

No... Please go.

God

Do you miss yourself? Because I do.

Adam

[incredulously] You stole from the homeless?

Joan

Yes, I am a horrible human being.

Adam

Yeah... Huh.

Joan

Well, you weren't supposed to say that.

And that's what religions are - different ways to share the same truth.

Joan

And the truth is...?