Jeeves and Wooster · Season 3
[Bertie tries in vain to remember the Battle of Naseby, the year of which holds the key to opening Sir Watkyn's safe]
Yes, the date of the battle is the number of the combination.
Ah, Trafalgar.
Uh, no ...
Hastings.
Yes! No ... no, like Hastings. Hastings ... Mason ... Raisin ...
[irritated] I don't recall a Battle of Raisin.
Well perhaps it was in the Grape War. [chuckles] It was a joke, Spode.
[about the script for the "Pat and Mike" sketch]
But it's absolute balderdash, Bertie. I mean, listen to this: "Sure and begorrah, I don't know what's after being the matter with you, Michael." I mean, what on earth is this "what's after being" stuff mean?
My dear old Gussie, that is how people think Irish people talk.
What parcel was this, Wooster?
Nothing special... usual sort of brown-paper affair, bit of string, suspicion of sealing wax, that's all.
Jeeves!
Yes, sir?
That parcel has arrived in London!
Yes, sir.
Well, did you send it?
Yes, sir. [Bertie lets out a small scream] I acted for the best, sir.
You do know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me.
In my opinion, sir — and I'm sorry if this causes you any distress — you and Lady Florence are not ideally matched. Her ladyship is of a highly arbitrary and determined temperament, sir, quite opposed to your own.
Oh, indeed, Jeeves! Well, I'm very grateful for your opinion! I must say that what I had in mind from you was abject, quivering apology! This is very sad, Jeeves, but I'm going to have to think very seriously about your future. I — [catches sight of Florence telling off two servants downstairs]
...I trust that is not alcohol I smell on your breath. Drunkenness may be de rigeur among the servants in some houses, but I should be sorry to see it take hold here.
My lady.
I suggest you read these. They're a brief introduction to the beliefs and aims of the Theosophical Society. Study them well! [hands a pamphlet to each servant, then exits]
Thank you, my lady.
Yes, Lady Worplesden.
...Yes, well, I've thought seriously about your future, Jeeves, and I think it should continue very much in the vein of your immediate past. I owe you an apology, Jeeves.
By no means, sir.
You, er ... don't know how I could raise fifty quid somehow, do you?
Work?
[recoiling in disappointment] Bertie.
[about the current object of Bingo's affection, Charlotte Rowbotham]
I've only seen a photograph, Jeeves, and it may well be that she has a heart of gold; however, the first thing that strikes one about her is that she also has a tooth of gold.
Aunt Dahlia! What ho, old blood relation!
[affectionately] Hello, Bertie, revolting young blot.
Why is it do you think, Jeeves, that the thought of that little thing my Aunt Dahlia wants me to do for her fills me with a nameless foreboding?
Experience, sir?
Everard's painting Lord Sidcup at the moment.
Really? What colour? [chuckles]
[Bertie walks in on Madeline playing the piano]
Oh, Bertie! I need someone to turn the pages for me.
Right, well, I'll go and find someone, shall I?
If you ask me, Jeeves, art is responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It's an interesting theory, sir. Would you care to expatiate upon it?
[pause]
Well, as a matter of fact, no, Jeeves. The thought just occurred to me, as thoughts do.
Very good, sir.
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